-- "Hal removed our parenting shackles — his approach has truly liberated us, giving us back not just our 'cool', but our joy." Sheri Lynch, The Bob & Sheri Show "We received more hits on our web site than any other guest since the site has been up. The book title and topic really connect with parents." Caroline Kruse, Jacquie and Caroline, Family Matters Radio

ScreamFree Radio - News-Talk AM750 WSB

Complete Transcript, Debut Show, Nov. 18, 2007

[News Talk 750 WSB, Atlanta's only 24-hour news, weather, and traffic station, brings you the following special program. ScreamFree Radio, with your ScreamFree Parenting expert, Hal Runkel. He's calming the world one relationship at a time, starting with you. Call Hal now with your parenting questions at 404-872-0750 or 1-800-WSB-TALK]

Hal: Welcome to the program. This is Hal Runkel, your parenting expert. This is the inaugural edition of ScreamFree radio. It is based on a lot of the work that I have done in building a platform for ScreamFree Parenting, as if that is possible. Everywhere I go people see the book. The National Best Seller's. So something is happening that is good. But they hear ScreamFree Parenting and think yeah right! It sounds like an oxymoron. It is like sweat free jogging. As if it is possible to actually raise our kids without occasionally screaming at them. More often than not maybe you think that if I don't scream at them they will never listen to me. They don't listen to me at all as it is. ScreamFree Parenting is possible. As I talk with parents across the country, more and more I find something unique in our message. Here is something that you are not going to hear from a lot of parenting experts. Here is something that says it is not about the kids. The parenting is not about the kids. It is about parents. So many of us have been sold a couple of lies. The first one is that as soon as we have kids our lives are essentially over. It is now all about the kids. Everything is all about the kids. Look at our mini vans with stickers emblazed all over them with our kids names on the stickers shouting to the world. Who really owns the van and the rest of our lives? It is all about the kids. Mothers, you especially have been told this lie. They have said that as soon as you have kids you might as well give up continuing to be a sexy independent woman. You might as well get the bob haircut and the denim overalls with the Keds shoes. Get the mini van. You need to change your email address to'Mom of Alan at AOL-dot-com" because that is your identity. It's all about the kids. But here's the problem. We cannot orbit our lives around our kids without giving them the impression that the world revolves around them. Then we call them self-centered when they act that way. But that is what we are saying. It is all about you. It is all about you. If you are like me, which I hope that you are, you have had this thought. These kids today just don't seem to appreciate all of the sacrifices I am making on their behalf, and then we lose it. We lose it with our kids. We have all lost it with our kids in various ways. There is a study in New Hampshire that says 98% of parents scream at their kids. We all know that the other 2% are simply lying. We all lose it with our kids. You know what? I hesitate to even call myself a parenting expert because I don't even know if that is possible. You have probably realized that parenting is the hardest thing that most of us will ever try to do in our lives. It is also probably the most important thing that any of us will ever do. So, calling myself a parenting expert, as if I do it perfect all of the time just feels authentic. I am a marriage and family therapist. I have written a National Best Selling Book, ScreamFree Parenting, and yes, now I have my own radio show. But it is just difficult. I am going to start this inaugural edition of the ScreamFree Radio show the way I start my seminars. It is a way I start my book, with a story about how difficult it is for me personally. It is actually a very humiliating story. It was one of those Saturday mornings. My wife and I had stayed up too late on Friday night, which guarantees that the kids will get up too early on Saturday morning. It is just a recipe for life. My kids were four and two at the time. There was a lot of whining, complaining, and the kids were upset as well. So, I decided we needed a change of scenery. I said, "Let's go to Waffle House". Yay! Waffle House! Of course we are in Atlanta and it is where Waffle House was born and there is Waffle House's everywhere. So we get there. I don't know if you have been to a Waffle House on a Saturday morning, but it is packed to the gills. We had an hour wait. We didn't want to do that. So we get back in the mini van and drive 100 yards or so to the next Waffle House. They were packed as well, but they were thinking. They had this table set up with blank pieces of paper and crayons. If your kid drew a picture, you got a free waffle. We are playing. There are these hats that the grill man wears. We were playing with those and before you know it we are seated. Those of us with more than one kid know that there is this unwritten rule. Whoever is sitting on your side of the booth is your territory. So I'm looking across the table at my wife and daughter enjoying this angelic scene of piece and harmony. There are little birdies floating over their head. They are feeding each other their waffles. Meanwhile, my son and I, it is WWIII. Nothing is making him happy. He is really hungry. He takes the fork and throws it. It hits the leg of the guy sitting across the booth. I said "I'm sorry. I'm sorry". I was boiling inside. But remember I'm the expert, right? So I'm keeping my cool. Yeah right! Not that time. So I'm thinking okay, he's hungry. He's hungry. That's what it is going to take. So finally, the waffle comes. I start to cut the waffle up. He doesn't want the waffle cut up. I don't know. Is he going to eat it with both of his hands like a plate? Who knows. He gets upset. He's really being two. He shoves the waffle off of the table, plate and all. Plate breaks. Waffle splatters over everyone's feet. I yank him up. His foot hits the back of the head of the guy sitting in the booth behind me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm boiling at him. I'm screaming. We are storming out of the restaurant. Everyone is kind of watching us. The architecture at Waffle House is floor to ceiling windows. I slam open the door and it hits the window. Now the entire glass wall is reverberating. So whoever wasn't watching the scene from the inside is now watching from the inside while I'm on the sidewalk. I'm pointing and yelling and doing whatever it takes. I'm gritting my teeth. I'm doing whatever I can to calm him down because he is obviously the one that is out of control. So I'm doing whatever. I'm making promises, threats, whatever. Somehow the scene comes to an end. We go back in. We sit down. My son is sobbing but starting to eat his waffle. I look across the table and I know my wife is trying to be supportive, but she cannot contain the smirk on her face. I'm just like what? She says, "Nice hat". So the entire time I still had the silly black and gold paper Waffle House hat on my head. The entire episode, as I'm screaming, pointing, yelling, and doing whatever it takes to get this kid to take me seriously. The whole time with the hat on the head. Thankfully, I had the wear with all to recognize at that point that I didn't need the hat to make me look silly because I was doing that all on my own. What I was doing is what so many of us do. I was acting just as immature as my child. With the hopes that so many of us have, that I was going to make him more mature. We do that all of the time. We all get reactive. It is very natural to feel an intense amount of anxiety about our kids. Especially when we are in public. But it doesn't matter how old our kids are. We always feel this tremendous amount of anxiety. This is not anxiety free parenting. I will be anxiety free about my kids when I am dead. But it is learning to manage my anxiety. That is what ScreamFree parenting is about. It is about recognizing that no matter how my kids behave, no matter what age they are at, I am still in charge of my behavior. I am still in control of me. Unless I voluntarily surrender that control like I did with my son in that Waffle House restaurant because I was saying, "I need you to behave a certain way in order for me to regain my composure". I wonder why they seem to have so much power over me. We are going to talk about how much power our kids have over us and how we have sacrificed that power over to them. We are going to talk about how parenting changes dramatically when we realize the first truth of ScreamFree Parenting. That's that parenting is not about kids. It is about the parents. Parenting is about how I behave. It is not necessarily about how my kids behave. It is about how I behave even if they don't. So, I want to hear your calls. I want to hear your struggles. What are the things that your kids do that drive you the craziest. Even thought they know it drives you crazy, they continue to do it. What are those things and what are the issues that you have that you would want to talk to an expert about? The numbers are 404-872-0750, 1-800-WSB-TALK. That is 1-800-972-8255. We are going to talk about how parenting is not about kids. It is about parents. We have all lost it with our kids. We have all lost it. Every single one of us has lost it with our kids and we have said that. But what is the IT in that sentence? Most of us haven't thought about it and we say temper or something like that, but the IT in that sentence is that we lost our adulthood. I voluntarily sacrificed my adulthood in the heat of the moment. The vary thing that separates me from my kid is that thing that I let go in the heat of the moment because I just couldn't handle the anxiety a moment. Then later I wonder why he doesn't respect me. It is because I have given him no reason to. 404-872-0750, 1-800-WSB-TALK. We are going to talk seriously about this parenting thing because it is the most important relationship most of us will ever be engaged in. We are raising the next generation of human beings. So, you have a chance to talk with Hal Runkel, the author of ScreamFree Parenting, The Parenting Expert. We are going to be on for the next two hours. 404-872-0750, 1-800-WSB-TALK. You're listening to News Talk 750 WSB, the ScreamFree Radio Show, with your host Hal Runkel.

[Create the relationship you have always wanted to have with your kids. This is ScreamFree Radio with ScreamFree Parenting Expert, Hal Runkel on News Talk 750 WSB.]

Parenting is not about kids. It is about parents. If it were about kids then we would all be kidding. Cute little joke. But the truth is that it is so easy to sacrifice control of myself, over to my kids. I'm not realizing I'm doing this. But you know what gets me to that place. It's whenever I think that my job is to control my kids. That is my job as a parent. I am suppose to do something, whatever it takes, to get them to behave the right way, think the right way, feel the right way, especially in public. Right? Because then they are a reflection on me.

We've got Valerie and Roswell. Hello Valerie.

Valerie: Hi, Hal.

Hal: Hello. Welcome to the program. You are speaking with Hal Runkel on 750 WSB.

Valerie: Thank you.

Hal: What is going on with your kids?

Valerie: When I am in public and they start misbehaving and get out of control. Then when I try to get them in line, they are not obedient.

Hal: How old are your kids?

Valerie: I have twin six year old boys.

Hal: Twins! My goodness. Yes, you deserve a prize just for making it this far. Twin six year olds. I could never imagine the twin thing.

Valerie: It's getting easier.

Hal: I guess once they get out of diapers then it gets easier with twins, but you are in public and trying to control them. If you are like me, the more you try to control them, the more out of control they become.

Valerie: Oh yeah.

Hal: Exactly. That is because whenever you try to control them they view it as a challenge. Now, you know what? It is an open invitation to do the exact thing mom doesn't want us to do. So, give me an example. Were you in a grocery store?

Valerie: Just this past weekend, today at church, they are running when I tell them to walk down the halls. Friday night we were at dinner with another family and they are banging and kicking silverware at the table and hitting the plate and just being rowdy kids.

Hal: Sure.

Valerie: Stop it stop it. You can't disturb everyone.

Hal: Exactly, but they are thinking well yes I can. I just did. That is the problem. Whenever I start to think I'm suppose to say it and they are suppose to do it. If I'm suppose to say it and they are suppose to do it, they can fort that whole program just by choosing not to do it. Just by saying no. Then what? Is that when you usually get reactive? Get a little screamy?

Valerie: I usually don't get screamy in public. I'll put my mouth near their ear and say, "you're going to get it later".

Hal: How is that working?

Valerie: I probably don't follow through like I should. I think that if I followed through, I might get a better response because they will know that there are consequences.

Hal: Okay. What are the consequences in place for running in church?

Valerie: Usually, things that I can take away from them or computer time.

Hal: Loose your game boy or something. Yes.

Valerie: Well, we don't have that. But we can take away things that they do like. Or sit in a room by yourself where there are no toys.

Hal: Let me ask you a credible question. How would you like to behave in that scenario, say when they are running in church?

Valerie: I would like to be able to say, "Boy's stop running", and they listen to me.

Hal: Okay. That is how you would like them to behave. How would you like yourself to behave even when they don't obey you?

Valerie: Not to care.

Hal: Not to care?

Valerie: Not to care.

Hal: Okay. I don't care. Turn my back. That's fine.

Valerie: I don't care. Go do it. Whatever. I would like not to care. I've always believed children are a reflection of their parents and it is our job to make and produce good, obedient, law abiding citizens.

Hal: Sure. As long as you believe that, you are going to keep getting the same results you are getting.

Valerie: So-

Hal: As long as your kids are a direct reflection on you. Then what they are going to perceive from you is that you need them to behave. It is not just that you want them to behave because it makes other people like them or it is respectful for other people. You need them to behave because they are a reflection upon you.

Valerie: Alright.

Hal: Okay. So, I want to talk about that issue further. So often- Thanks for the call. Thank you so much for the call. It is 404-872-0750, 1-800-WSB-TALK. So often we believe that you know what? Our kids are a direct reflection on us because they behave a certain way and we take it personally. If they disobey us then we look like a bad parent. But here I am going to tell you the truth. What kids need most- This is going to sound really different than anything you have heard. What kid's need most are parents who do not need them. It is a very liberating message when you know what? I don't need you to obey me. I don't need you to respect me. I don't need you to talk to me a certain way. I'm just letting you know that when you do this, this is what happens. When you run in the halls at church and disrupt other people, I am not going to chase after you because that just makes me look like an idiot. But when we get home you are going to lose computer time for the rest of the day. Now it is your choice. That free's them up instead of this anxiety driven need that I need you to behave a certain way because of the way it looks on me. So, we may know when our kids report cards are coming out. Right? We absolutely know because we are not just looking at their grades. We are looking at our own. We have got some other questions coming in. We have some other callers. We have got Sheryl in Jackson. Sheryl, welcome to the program.

Sheryl: Thank you so much. I love the show. I love the book.

Hal: Oh, you know the book?

Sheryl: Oh yeah.

Hal: Thank you very much.

Sheryl: My thing is that right now I have got the training under control I feel. But where all of these food recalls are coming into play. I cannot do the compromise because my 12 year old is into current events.

Hal: Okay.

Sheryl: So everyday he has got the newspaper and on the internet googling the latest and it is all of these food recalls. So I say to him, "okay, it is time to make sure you get your greens and your carrots". They are like no mom. They are sitting here and telling me these things. I am thinking how can I feed a child something that-

Hal: That he things- Sure. Sure.

Sheryl: Yeah.

Hal: It's great that you have a future talk show host in the family. That is great. He is going to grow up and be fully up on the current events. You know, it sounds to me that he is simply using that information as a way to be powerful over you. We are going to talk about these power struggles even more when we come back from the break because the power issues so often, we lose sight of those and we think it is about the food issues. But it is not. It is usually not about the issues that we think. It is usually about a power struggle between dad and the kid. We will talk about that when we come back. You are listening to News Talk 750 WSB.

[Teaching you how to keep your cool during difficult times. This is ScreamFree Radio with ScreamFree Parenting Expert, Hal Runkel, on News Talk 750 WSB.]

Hal: The greatest thing we can do for our kids is learn to focus on ourselves. That is the controversial first line of my book, "ScreamFree Parenting". It is controversial because a lot of folks just don't get it. They think everything is just about focusing on our kids. It is about getting my kids to behave a certain way. That is my job. It is to get them to behave a certain way. We were talking to Sheryl last time. Sheryl from Jackson, are you on the line?

Sheryl: Yes. Thank you.

Hal: You were trying to get your kids to eat well. Right?

Sheryl: Correct.

Hal: Your brilliant son then Google'd reasons, medical reasons, scientific reasons even, why the foods you are suggesting-

Sheryl: Actually, he has to turn in a current event for his homework every night. So, it is not like he is going there just for those resources. Unfortunately, he has to have one to turn in for a grade. That is what event pops up of course. Whether it is [inaudible].

Hal: Sure. What I hear from you is that you don't want to squash that. You like the fact that he is looking at current events and yet you also want him to eat healthily.

Sheryl: Right.

Hal: Right. So, here is the thing. Not every vegetable has been recalled. So what happens when he initially brings that to you? When he initially says well this has been recalled, mom. Don't you know?

Sheryl: When he brings it to light and I look at it I tell him that this happened in Wisconsin or there and we don't have this brand. He is like but what if this was mislabeled and all of this other stuff. Sometimes I am like okay you are right because there is Kroger brand and then there is name brand and all of this other stuff.

Hal: Let me ask you Sheryl, are you actually able to acknowledge when he is right?

Sheryl: I do acknowledge him when he is correct. When he is correct I let him know that I appreciate his side of things. These are the things he likes. I am talking about Okra and corn. These are fruits and vegetables that he likes. It is like the water situation. Every time it is four, five, or six different things.

Hal: Sure. Tell me this. What was the vegetable eating like before he started the current event project?

Sheryl: He loved them. I think it is a mind thing. There was this [inaudible] that got sick in Wisconsin last week. It could be something like that playing on his mind. He is a child. His brain is not developed yet into adult concepts on how things work in the real world. But it is just so hard for me to compromise with him. When I sit there with him and I take the time to cut the vegetables and peel the vegetables and wash them-

Hal: I've worked so hard to prepare this for you.

Sheryl: Exactly. I put it down in front of him and he does eat some things.

Hal: It is easy for you though to become the cafeteria. Well what about this? I could do this. What about this? You know? It is all because you believe you are responsible for getting him to eat. Right?

Sheryl: Right.

Hal: I want to tell you the truth. He is. He is responsible for eating. Not you. He is coming up with reasons and it is actually damaging him because like you said he used to like the vegetables. As long as you take on that responsibility that says well I've got to figure out a way to maybe [inaudible] to get him to do it. That is why there are popular books out right now to find sneaky ways to put vegetarian puree's on your kid's macaroni and cheese.

Sheryl: Like "The Sneaky Chef". I have heard about that.

Hal: Sure. It is popular because our anxiety about getting our kids to eat this overweighs our principals that say as long as I'm sneaking things and getting them to do it and manipulating them to do it, and then they are never learning to enjoy it.

Sheryl: I feel so guilty that I will stop and get him Zaxby's chicken because it is fried and doesn't have anything to do with any of the beef recalls. I end up feeling guilty and bringing him something that I know he will go to bed with being satisfied.

Hal: Here is what I want you to do Sheryl. I want you to apologize to him.

Sheryl: Okay.

Hal: I want you to apologize to him for bending over backwards to try and get him to eat something to try to find that compromise. What that means is you have handed him power over you. Your anxiety is so high that you will do anything just to get him to eat. You know what? You brought this to me. It really stinks. The information you are learning is preventing you from enjoying the vegetables that you use to enjoy. I believe the vegetables are safe. I wouldn't put them in front of you if I didn't.

Sheryl: Right. I'm your mother. Trust me.

Hal: If you don't want to trust me, it is up to you but I promise these are healthy vegetables. You take your emotionality out of the equation. Well, I hope that is helpful Sheryl.

Sheryl: It is. Thank you so much.

Hal: Thank you. It is great to work with you. Bernadette in Marietta. A common issue. Hi Bernadette. How are you?

Bernadette: Great. How are you?

Hal: I'm doing great. You're on 750 WSB with Hal Runkel.

Bernadette: Thank you for taking my call. I could ask you a million questions but-

Hal: Let's just start with one.

Bernadette: I have one in particular. First of all, I did not grow up with any siblings so all I wanted was a sister or a brother and I thought it would be great.

Hal: You fantasized about that, right?

Bernadette: Yes. I happen to have two daughters that are a year apart. I was wondering, they seem to pick on each other for no reason. For instance, this morning one was writing some homework out and the other walks by and just throws the pencil out of her hand. I don't know. I have tried consequences, please don't do that. That hurts me because you are picking on one of my children. I know you're my child but you are also hurting my other child's feelings when it gets verbal. Girls can be quite-

Hal: They can be cruel to each other.

Bernadette: Yes, they can.

Hal: How old are your kids, Bernadette?

Bernadette: Eleven and twelve.

Hal: You're not telling us that this is just starting, right?

Bernadette: No, it is not.

Hal: It has been going on since they were two and three.

Bernadette: Correct.

Hal: A long time. Here is the thing about sibling relationships. They are actually the longest relationships we could possibly have in life. So that is the longest relationship your daughters will have with one another.

Bernadette: Right.

Hal: So, I think the way they have been designed is to help us cut our teeth relationally, to help us learn relationship skills. Here is how we do our kids a disservice. When we intervene too quickly. When we jump in too quickly because we feel sorry for one or we want to take the side of the other. We are going to do an investigative process about who started what and when. What we do is we [inaudible] the natural process there that they have to learn to get along with each other.

Bernadette: Right.

Hal: How do you normally get made aware? How do they make you aware that there has been an issue between the two of them?

Bernadette: Well, if I am not in the room I usually hear loud voices.

Hal: Okay. Then what do you do?

Bernadette: I separate them. They don't really get physical. Occasionally, one will pretend like she is- She will put her hand close to the other one's face and then when the other one knocks it out she will feel justified.

Hal: They will go at one another. Sure.

Bernadette: I always ask them what happened and why. Then I say well what do you think your sister is going to tell me happened? I get the truth more. [inaudible]

Hal: So, you need to have two separate interrogation rooms with the bright lights. You need to separate them and say that your sister is about to squeal on you. Follow the cop shows.

Bernadette: Right. It just works better than if I ask one child first. The crying child is usually the one I ask first. It can be either of them. It is more consistently with one.

Hal: Here is a much better way to do it.

Bernadette: Okay great.

Hal: You don't ever do investigating as to who did what and when. Don't even start it because trying to find out who started it is like pointing out the first horse on a merry-go-round. It is that one. No, it is that one. Whoever threw the first punch or did the first offense that you are hearing about- There is a long context going back at least a month that actually led to that infraction. So here is what you do. You just set in your mind a decimal level. Once it crosses that decimal level or violence level, then it is not one of them that gets in trouble. It is both of them.

Bernadette: Right. That's how it generally works at our house.

Hal: You just say hey I don't care what you folks are talking about and I don't care. Just let them know that they need to work it out within one minute. If it doesn't get resolved then both of you will get in trouble and lose computer time for two days. Now it is up to you.

Bernadette: Right.

Hal: What it does is it puts the responsibility on not both of them. It puts it on one of them because one of them has to stop. One of them has to be the first one to stop. That is how all conflicts get resolved. One person has the integrity to say you know what? I don't want to get us both in trouble. I don't want to get in trouble. So, I am just going to stop.

Bernadette: We have discussed that. You feel like your right but whatever the reason may be you just have to walk away sometimes. But they just don't seem to ever do that. They seem to understand. They nod their head when we discuss it. Sometimes we discuss it individually.

Hal: Here is the deal Bernadette. You don't discuss it.

Bernadette: I've never had a sister so I don't know.

Hal: That is a great way to start off with them. Tell them that you never had a sister and you don't know about siblings firsthand. You've read stuff and have experts but you don't talk to them about how they should behave with their sister. You just let them know that if it crosses a certain violence or decimal level then you both get in trouble. That puts it on them instead of you having to worry about what the right thing is to get them to stop.

Bernadette: If the consequences are put in place and that doesn't seem to curb it, [inaudible]?

Hal: It is not going to curb it completely. Again, this is how we cut our teeth relationally. What it is going to do is at least lower your stress level and teach them how to begin to resolve conflicts.

Bernadette: Right. Well, I'm sure in the workplace in their 20's and 30's that will come in handy.

Hal: Absolutely. In the meantime, you are trying to just stay sane.

Bernadette: Right. It drives me crazy.

Hal: Yes. Thank you for the call. Thank you for that last message because you are exactly right. It does drive us crazy. We have got other callers on that are being driven crazy by their kids. That is the entire point of ScreamFree Parenting. We need to begin taking steps of organizing ourselves and our home and ways that make it easier on us. What does not make it easier on us is when we think it is our job to get our kids to behave. It is my job to get them to think the right way, feel the right way, and behave the right way. When they don't and begin to exercise a mind of their own, we begin to feel tremendously guilty. Somehow I messed up. We have got Walter and Woodstock who has a daughter struggling with school. Oh. Okay. We are going to come back with Walter and we want to hear from other people. 404-872-0750, 1-800-WSB-TALK. You are listening to ScreamFree Radio with Hal Runkel on News Talk 750 WSB.

[Helping you to realize that parenting isn't about the children. It is about you. You are listening to ScreamFree Radio with ScreamFree Parenting Experts, Hal Runkel on News Talk 750 WSB]

Hal: You are listening to ScreamFree Radio. We have a mission here. We want to calm the world, one relationship at a time beginning with yours. Beginning with your relationships with your kids. We have several callers on the line. We just want you to know that you can also go to our website, screamfree.com. You can join a forum site. We are going to have a little more about that in the second hour of the program but in the meantime we have got Walter and Woodstock. Walter, you are on the air with Hal Runkel on News Talk 750 WSB.

Walter: Hi Hal.

Hal: Hey Walter. How are you?

Walter: Good. I had been working on ScreamFree when I read your book and I really enjoyed it.

Hal: Good. Good. Where did you find the book if I might ask?

Walter: Actually, I bought it online.

Hal: Well, that is good. That helped us to get to National Best Seller status. So, thank you very much.

Walter: I've been working on myself and that is one of the things that I really liked about your book. I was trying to be more of an example parent.

Hal: It is hard. Isn't' it?

Walter: My daughter is a great girl. She is kind, [inaudible], very talented, [inaudible]. She does good in school. But some subjects she refuses to participate.

Hal: Okay. How old is she?

Walter: She's 14.

Hal: She's 14. So she is a Sophomore?

Walter: Freshman.

Hal: She is a Freshman. Okay.

Walter: I really appreciate it that she can make up her mind and stick to her guns. But she could pass her subject if she would-

Hal: She's failing a subject. Has she ever failed a subject before?

Walter: She's failed subjects before. She has always been able to pull it out in the end.

Hal: Okay. So she has never failed a semester.

Walter: Right. She has never failed.

Hal: Right. That goes on the record. How have you responded before when she has begun to struggle in one class?

Walter: I have to say that I have done things from rage to standing over her. I've done the whole agenda of parenting.

Hal: You still think it is your job to get her to get good grades. So, she's not getting good grades so you are going to get reactive to that.

Walter: I think I have come around on that. I know that it is not my job. It definitely won't hurt me if she gets bad grades. But I would still like for her to get good grades for her own sake.

Hal: It will hurt you if you feel like you have to kick her out because she can't get good grades and can't get into college and so on. So, there is a personal component to it. You really want her to do well.

Walter: Absolutely.

Hal: We all want our kids to do well. We all want our kids to do really, really well. The difficulty comes when they interpret that we need them to do well. What I am wondering is how much have you communicated that by the rages that you have done in the past? Maybe there is no way to answer that question. What I would like for you to think about is how would you like to respond now that you are working on yourself and you have read the book and are beginning to focus on yourself. That is the hallmark of ScreamFree Parenting. How do you want to respond to your daughter with this specific situation?

Walter: I've started responding calmly. I mean ScreamFree. We have had consequences, of course.

Hal: That are in place.

Walter: That are in place. Even though there are consequences that she feels are serious consequences, I think her stubbornness- She can live with the consequences.

Hal: okay. So you are thinking they aren't stiff enough?

Walter: Yes. I think they are stiff enough. We have taken away her access to the computer, which she really enjoys. She is a great artist and she does a lot of art online. She can't do that. We have gone as far as taking the door off of her bedroom.

Hal: Is it still off?

Walter: Yes, it is still off.

Hal: Okay Walter. You are going to do this tonight. You are going to put the door back on the hinges tonight.

Walter: Okay.

Hal: What you have done there is robbed her of a sense of her dignity by saying she has no privacy. You cannot have privacy away from me. That is not something we want to encourage, especially as our kids are getting older. We want to help them deal better with their privacy, not think it is obviously going to always be taken away. I think you could go a long ways with your daughter tonight by saying you know what, I'm not going to rob you of your dignity by saying you can't have privacy. This is your space. Remember in my book there is a whole section in giving kids their space and calming our anxiety about what they might do with it. So you put the door back on the hinges. Give her that sense of space back and then say you know what, in a couple of days I would like to have a grown up conversation about what is going on with your school work. It is obvious that she can pick and choose what to do well and what she doesn't. It doesn't sound like there is an academic issue here. It is just an issue that if she is not fully interested in something then she is not going to invest herself in it as much. Is that right?

Walter: That is correct.

Hal: Right. Like you said in the first part of this call, that is actually an admirable characteristic, getting behind something and feeling passionate about it. For some kids high school is very confining because it is so much work all day long. In college you get to pick and choose a lot more. Some kids that struggle a lot in high school do much better in college. But your kid has three and a half years left of high school.

Walter: Right.

Hal: So, what you want to do is have a conversation with her that is apart from all of the anxiety you feel about it because right now it is just a sense of I'm going to do this. Okay, that didn't work. I'm going to do this. Okay that doesn't work. All she has to learn is you know what, I just have to wait it out.

Walter: I'm struggling with the door that came off. I understand what you are saying about the door. It didn't come off- It was one of the consequences as [inaudible].

Hal: Sure. You stated it before hand. I'm stating that it should not be a consequence. What you're doing is your saying there is going to be no barriers between us. You are going to be an open book between us. All that is doing is forcing her to hide even more from you emotionally.

Walter: I'm just not comfortable with the consequences- I guess they shouldn't be painful.

Hal: Well, they should be painful but in an appropriate way. Not in a way that defeats our overall purposes.

Walter: Yeah.

Hal: Okay. So, here is what I want to do. We are going to go for a break now. I would like to re-up this conversation because I want to hear some positive steps Walter can take to begin to address his daughter in a way that is respectful and yet influential. You are listening to WSB News Talk 750. The phone number is 404-872-0750, 1-800-WSB-TALK.

[News Talk 750 WSB. Atlanta's only 24 hour news, weather, and traffic station brings you the following special program. ScreamFree Radio with ScreamFree Parenting Experts, Hal Runkel. He is calming the world one relationship at a time starting with you. Call Hal now with your parenting questions at 404-872-0750 or 1-800-WSB-TALK.]

Hal: Welcome back to the ScreamFree Show. You know gas prices are on the rise again and Clark Howard wants to help. He wants to give you free gas. No, that does not involve Mexican Food. It is free gasoline. Just go to www.wsbradio.com and register to win free gas. Then listen beginning this Monday, November 19th, tomorrow morning at 7:15 and 8:15 to win 100 gallons of free gas. Clark Howard and News Talk 750 WSB.
When we ended last segment we were talking with Walter who is having some struggles with his daughter who is 14. Walter, you are back on the program with Hal Runkel.

Walter: I'm here.

Hal: Hey man. So, I was going back over our previous conversation and you said something. I asked you if your daughter had ever failed a class before and you said, you know what no she has always managed to pull it back up. What makes this one different? What makes you think that won't happen this time?

Walter: Well, the other classes she had in middle school and elementary school, she was having programs and they were really geared towards-

Hal: Making sure they don't fail?

Walter: Right.

Hal: And there is this dirty little secret that any grades you get even if you do fail, before high school they do not count on a record. Not many people know that but my wife use to be a teacher and I use to be a teacher. It is actually true. Don't tell your kids that. But now she is a freshman, right?

Walter: Right.

Hal: School is more tough.

Walter: Right. Before she could turn in assignments late. When the midterm grades came out I had her try to do something to get her grades up like going to the teachers and seeing if she could get some points for turning in the assignments late. They wouldn't do that for her.

Hal: Gotcha.

Walter: There is more to the story though.

Hal: Okay. Please.

Walter: Since I read your book, my wife and I told her that you are responsible for your grades and you have to do well. She has hopes of going to college and she realizes that her grades are a big part of that. Then when the midterm report grades came out, she wasn't passing a subject. That is when we implemented the consequences of not keeping the grades up. The idea was that she would continue to have the consequences until she got her grades up just into passing. That has not happened. As a matter of fact, she has kept up the same pattern of not turning in assignments. The assignments aren't really graded as far as-

Hal: It is just whether or not she does them

Walter: She has got a passing grade for her test scores but she is going to fail just from lack of effort.

Hal: Right. There is a special place in my heart for kids like that because that was my high school career. I was always doing well on tests but homework- You know what? It wasn't that I wasn't smart enough. It was that I had no organization skills whatsoever. Now, whenever a kid begins to show signs of not turning in homework, especially a transition like your daughter has. She has made a major transition going from 8th grade to 9th grade. Right?

Walter: I realize that.

Hal: That is a big time transition. So, she has a lot more to keep up with. So, I'm wondering if she were feeling those challenges about organization and keeping up with stuff. If she were feeling that would she come to you?

Walter: She wouldn't. We have talked about organization over the years. I can help her try to be organized but that is something that she would have to practice. That is not something that she has practiced in the past.

Hal: What you want to do is communicate to her that you are actually walking along side her, with her in this journey. That you are not standing above her in position. It is so hard for me not to do that. Standing over and demanding this level of performance. Instead, come in beside her. Walk along beside her and say man, maybe this transition is more difficult than any of us thought it would be. Tell me what is the hardest part so far? You always pick up your grades. That is what you reported to me Walter. She probably realizes that usually she does. It seems like you are having a little more difficulty this time. Have that be the tone of the conversation with her so that she senses that dad is on my side and he is going to help me and we are going to figure this out together.

Walter: My wife tells me that it is tough for a 14 year old girl and going through high school. My wife tells me also that there is probably more to it than just not participating in class.

Hal: There always is. Here is a great lead off to that conversation with her. You know what? I have no idea what it is like to be a 14 year old girl. It must be really hard. Do you think you could do that?

Walter: Yes. Even though I have told her before that I know what she is going through because I was a 14 year old girl. She doesn't believe me.

Hal: She didn't believe that one?

Walter: She didn't believe that at all.

Hal: What I learned as a therapist is that when I am a beginning therapist I want to communicate that I know what you're going through and I can help you. What works so much better is I have no idea what you are going through. That sounds really tough. Tell me more about that. Three words that revolutionize your relationship with your kids starting tonight, "tell me more". Walter, thank you very much for the call.

Walter: Thank you, Hal.

Hal: Thanks buddy. 404-872-0750 1-800-WSB-TALK. Parenting is incredibly difficult. We really do get in trouble when we ever consider that we have it down pat and we know what we are doing. Yes, I'm a parenting expert and have this National Best Selling book that says I'm a parenting expert. Right? You know what? I've worked with hundreds and hundreds of families but I have never had an 11 year old daughter. I have a 10 year old daughter but I don't have an 11 year old daughter. That is coming very quickly. It is amazing the type of relationship that I can create with my daughter when I don't pretend that I know what she is going through. Transitions, when our kids are going through them are bigger than we anticipate and bigger than they anticipate. It is so easy for us as parents to think that I survived it and it was okay moving from middle school to high school. It can't be that bad. Do you know what a bad transition is? Me switching jobs and wondering if I'm going to be able to pay for this house that we just bought. Are we going to be able to continue to pay this mortgage that just went up several points? That is a tough transition. Then we have to recognize that it is just my world. My daughter and my kids are separate human beings. They don't just have a mind of their own. They have a life of their own. It is our job to help prepare them for that. We can't do that if we automatically think that we know exactly everything that they need to do and we know exactly everything that they are going through. They look upon us then as people that they can't trust. They can't trust themselves to if they automatically think that dad is going to tell me exactly what to do. He is going to pretend to know exactly what I am going through. I can't do that with my kids. 404-872-0750, 1-800-WSB-TALK. I want to hear from you guys about what your challenges are with your kids. We've got Leslie in Marietta. Hi and welcome to the program. You are on News Talk 750 WSB with Hal Runkel.

Leslie: Hi. Thank you for taking my call.

Hal: Sure. Hi, Leslie.

Leslie: I have a six year old little boy and he has challenges. We are going through a diagnosis-

Hal: So, developmental delays?

Leslie: We have developmental delays, yes. We have been working with different doctors and everyone says that he is a six year old little boy.

Hal: Right.

Leslie: But they are probably realizing at school that there are issues. We are beginning that battle with the school of trying to [inaudible] to school. My husband loves your book by the way.

Hal: Great.

Leslie: He almost called into work one morning trying to listen to your program. We bought the book two days later.

Hal: You hate the book. Your husband loves it. But you think it is terrible.

Leslie: No, I don't think it is terrible. I haven't read it yet. I'm not a person who can sit down and read. I'm just not built like that.

Hal: Neither am I.

Leslie: He's reading it and telling me about it. We've tried implementing the consequences. We've tried numbers of things. I'm at the point where I don't know what else to do.

Hal: Tell me where it is at in the diagnosis process before we go into details.

Leslie: He has been evaluated by the school. We are in the process of going through a therapist to see if we can do some behavioral management. We are wanting to stay away from medication as much as possible. The school says one thing and the occupational therapist says another, and the pediatrician says another.

Hal: Then you tell me what is going on that would lead you to begin to think that he may have a serious problem. Give me an instance.

Leslie: Today we were at Burlington Coat Factory and he was running, screaming, and clapping hands. We have a decision that he may have a [inaudible] three processing dysfunction or disorder.

Hal: Okay. Right.

Leslie: But we were in the store today and-

Hal: Out of control?

Leslie: Just out of the blue he starts clapping his hands and waving his hands around. He was screaming out, being very rude and compulsive. He would not listen at all.

Hal: Right. It is hard for you to say is this a normal six year old. Because it certainly could be. Or is this symptomatic of something else? Is it asbergers? Is it autism?

Leslie: Right.

Hal: You know what? You are definitely not alone in this. I know lots of listeners right now are thinking about that now because there is all of this news about autism and asbergers. It is well known. The diagnosis are skyrocketing. Can you hold on with me as we go through this break?

Leslie: Yes, I can.

Hal: I would love to talk about this issue because so many parents are trying to wrestle with how do I address the behavior even if they are diagnosed with certain things. 404-872-0750, 1-800-WSB-TALK. You are on News Talk 750 WSB ScreamFree Radio with Hal Runkel. We will be right back.

[Calming the world one relationship at a time. You are listening to ScreamFree Radio Show on News Talk 750 WSB.]

Hal: Welcome back to ScreamFree Radio. I am your host, Hal Runkel. We are examining the toughest issues facing our parenting. It all comes down to one principal. You know what? I am not in control of my kids. I can try harder. We all can try harder. I am not in control of them. The more I try to control them, the more out of control they become. But what happens when I focus on just controlling myself. What happens is instead of worrying about their behavior so much, I worry about my own. That is at the heart of ScreamFree Parenting. That is saying that I first and foremost have a responsibility to my kids for how I behave. That is what we are talking about on ScreamFree Radio today. 404-872-0750, 1-800-WSB-TALK, 1-800-972-8255, and at the conclusion of our last segment we had Leslie in Marietta. She was talking about an issue common to lots and lots of you out there. Okay Leslie. Welcome back.

Leslie: Hi. Thank you.

Hal: Your son is in the process of possibly getting diagnosed with some developmental delays.

Leslie: Yes.

Hal: You said something about how you are getting differing opinions right now.

Leslie: Yes. The psychologist at school is saying ADHD. The occupational therapist is saying Sensory Integration Dysfunction. The pediatrician read those reports from the psychologist and occupational therapist from the school and concluded that he does show symptoms of ADHD but could be called from the Sensory Integration Dysfunction.

Hal: Right. So they may be feeding off of one another.

Leslie: We are in a tough situation. I have forced myself to start trying to read another book while my husband is reading your book. The Anger habit of parenting. It goes along the same lines of what you are doing by giving your child the control to make the decision. Does your child want to do this or this?

Hal: Let him know the consequences either way.

Leslie: Let him know the consequences. Exactly. We tried that today. The consequence was that if he didn't want to listen then he could sit in the buggy. A six year old in a small buggy doesn't look well. He wants to be a big boy. He tells me he is not a baby. He is a big boy.

Hal: Right.

Leslie: But he doesn't display that big boy behavior that isn't necessarily desired but it should be appropriate for his age.

Hal: Sure. How did you feel with that process?

Leslie: I did a lot better than what I thought I was going to do in this situation.

Hal: Congratulations.

Leslie: I didn't get upset. I didn't get him upset. It was in the middle of the shopping area that we were at.

Hal: Getting upset or feeling upset is one thing. Letting that dictate your behavior is another.

Leslie: Okay.

Hal: So, it is okay for you to feel upset. Tell me what you did like about what you did.

Leslie: I did like that I followed through with what I told him the consequence would be.

Hal: Beautiful. Here is the key point. In the mean time, while you are wondering what this diagnosis to come down the pipe- Is it going to be medication? Is it going to be all of this occupational therapy and all of these things happening? In the meantime you still have to structure your home.

Leslie: Yes.

Hal: What ScreamFree Radio Pre-Parenting does is it gives us tools to structure our home that do not include mom flipping out.

Leslie: Yeah.

Hal: What is beautiful about that is that it teaches our kids that there are rules that are bigger than any of us. There is a law in life. A law of sewing and reaping. It is our law to introduce our kids to that law and say it is bigger than me. It is bigger than what I feel at the moment. It is bigger than you. There is just a law. When you do this, this is what happens. When you do this, this is what happens. What I love is that when you started talking about following through, your voice perked up. I can even imagine you sitting up a little taller. I did that. I followed through. That is beautiful. As you start to pick consequences for your son, in the meantime, just pick anything you can do to follow through. Even if it sounds too light.

Leslie: Right now he is at my moms and it is just a struggle because self overcomes everything else. When it gets so intense that it comes to that, that's what comes through [inaudible].

Hal: Sure.

Leslie: That is not how I want to do things.

Hal: That is everything right there.

Leslie: Yes. Learning to control yourself before you try to have children.

Hal: Exactly. What you said was that is not how I want to. So, the challenge is for you to figure out how you do want to handle the situation. Before you handle the situation you have to think of how you want to handle this. At the end of this when we are back home. How do I want to remember myself behaving? Not how do I need my son to behave before we can ever do that again, before we can ever go out on a shopping trip again? I think you are absolutely on your way, Leslie. I think you are dealing with a tough situation. You are absolutely on your way. Just pick something you can follow through on other than you screaming and I guarantee that you will begin to feel a little more capable.

Leslie: Something that has helped to with the anger habit of parenting book is it says to set the rules. Don't make new rules as you go. Don't make new rules as you go. These are the rules for home. These are the rules for out in public. Don't add to those. Don't do that.

Hal: Exactly. They don't know where they stand and they don't know their place.

Leslie: Yes. Their parameters almost. It doesn't seem to be working at this point.

Hal: It does seem to be working because you are feeling just a little bit better about how you are doing today.

Leslie: I actually remember shopping verses just wondering what I did. You know?

Hal: That is a victory. That is a victory. Thank you for the call. You are listening to News Talk 750 WSB. We will be back in just a few moments.

[Create the relationship you have always wanted to have with your kids. This is ScreamFree Radio with ScreamFree Parenting Experts, Hal Runkel, on News Talk 750 WSB]

Hal: Welcome back to the program. ScreamFree Radio. I am your host, Hal Runkel, author of ScreamFree Parenting. As if that is possible, right? It is difficult to raise our kids the way we want to raise them. We so often get tempted to think more about how we want them to behave and less about how do we want ourselves to behave. That is the real critical difference. Instead of waking up everyday and thinking how do I get myself to behave, a much more productive question is to focus on the only one I really can control. Myself. That is at the heart of ScreamFree Parenting. We've got callers calling in, which is wonderful. I also want to tell you guys about www.screamfree.com. There is a forum site. It is an international community of parents just like you who communicate with one another and occasionally your questions sent in get answered on our weekly newsletter. I want to introduce someone. This is a family oriented program. Obviously. I am blessed to have my favorite person in the world, my wife Jenny Runkel. The reason she is on the show is because she is the moderator of the forum site and she is in charge of so much of our web content. Hello Jenny. Welcome to the program.

Jenny: Thank you so much for having me.

Hal: I wouldn't have it any other way. It is really a delight to look at you. I'll just do that for a while longer. Tell us more about the forum site and how folks can get connected.

Jenny: Absolutely. The forum is a great resource to parents everywhere. You can go in and talk with likeminded parents that are facing the same situations that you are. You can see first of all that you are not alone.

Hal: Absolutely.

Jenny: I know that is one of the things that I struggle with to this day. I feel like I am the only one that has this issue. Just by listening to the callers that have called into the show, I know I am not alone.

Hal: Actually, you are. Your problems are very unique.

Jenny: Well, I am married to you. On the forum you can meet parents with similar struggles. You can have your questions answered sometimes by Hal. Other times by other people on the ScreamFree team.

Hal: By you.

Jenny: I answer some of the questions. Right?

Hal: Right.

Jenny: We also can hear from other parents who are struggling and have found some help that way. I do want to mention to the readers that if they do go to the website, we have a free eBook that they can download for Thanksgiving.

Hal: That's right. All the WSB listeners that are listening to this program can go to our website, www.screamfree.com. It is on the front page I believe.

Jenny: Absolutely. I'm looking at it right now.

Hal: You can download a free eBook about how to have a ScreamFree Thanksgiving.

Jenny: With all of your family involved and me and you going off to an island. How nice would that be?

Hal: It would be. Wouldn't it?

Jenny: I have a question from the forum if you would like to-

Hal: Beautiful. Please?

Jenny: This is Elise from Atlanta. Elise writes, "I am home all day long with my 20 month old and she does things that get me so angry. I know that is what she is developmentally supposed to do. But she sometimes drives me insane. We will go outside to play and she picks flowers. She runs away from me to where I can't see her. She messes with the gas tank cover on the car. Just about everything I can think of that she shouldn't be doing, she does, inside and out. I yell at her. One time she even ran away from me and said "Scary". I don't know how else to be. What can I do?"

Hal: Nobody can push our buttons like our kids. Right?

Jenny: Absolutely.

Hal: Why are they pushing our buttons? It is because we have told them the buttons that we cannot handle being pushed. We have handed them our remote control by saying that this is the one thing I can't handle you doing. Of course that is when they end up doing that very thing.

Jenny: It is fun to make mom and dad dance.

Hal: Of course. They can push that button and watch dad go "ahhhh". They push it again and watch dad again even though it makes things worse for them. They get in trouble and they continue to do that. Why? Well, most of them, some of them, are simply just pure evil.

Jenny: Some of them are. At least ours are.

Hal: Yes, they are. That could be your kid, it certainly [inaudible]. But usually the reason our kid does that one thing that drives us crazy is because it drives us crazy. Not that they are intentionally doing that. But they are trying to test us in their own immature way. They test us to eventually get us to pass the test. Our kids will absolutely beg us. Jenny, you and I have this conversation about you know what? One of our kids, Hannah, is actually asking us to put her in her place to let her know where she stands. They are begging for some sense of structure.

Jenny: Right.

Hal: They are also wanting to see that no matter what they do, mom and dad don't lose their cool.

Hal: No matter what they do.

Jenny: Right. They can't respect you if you do. They want to respect you.

Hal: They are dying to respect you because they see us as the leaders. Right? We are the ones leading them into adulthood and if they can't respect us and they can't trust us then the world really is a scary place. We have Olly in Decatur, who is struggling with her 14 year old daughter. Olly you are on News Talk 750 WSB. The ScreamFree Radio Show with Hal Runkel.

Olly: Thank you very much for taking my call.

Hal: Absolutely.

Olly: Well, I'm not sure if it is just me or if there is a problem. I have a 14 year old daughter. She is a very good young lady. I am very proud of all three of my daughters but-

Hal: Three daughters? That is a lot of estrogen in your household ma'am.

Olly: Yes. I have the 14 year old. She seems to be going through a stage in the last year of coming home and if we don't make her come out of the room, she will never come out.

Hal: She is isolating herself.

Olly: What I notice is that when I say you need to come downstairs and we need to spend some time together, she comes downstairs and we talk and she chimes right in. It is not like she is avoiding us or being evasive. It is just phenomenal how much time she wants to spend in her room.

Hal: Right.

Olly: Literally all day.

Hal: Gotcha.

Olly: It is a concern of mine and I don't know if it is just me or if I should just let it go.

Hal: You know, I like your approach because you are wanting to respect some of her privacy. You are wanting her not to automatically fix the situation because you are worried about it. You are actually wondering is this me or am I crazy or whatever. Do you know what? What you said was that I will tell her that she needs to come down because we need to spend some time together and she does. Is that correct?

Olly: Right. She does.

Hal: Okay. Here is just a slight change on that. I think it will begin to open up more conversation. Invite her to come down. Instead of telling her that you need to come down and spend time with me. What that means is that you need to appease dad. Dad needs you to come down because he is worried. Instead say hey I would love to spend some time with you.

Olly: She has two younger sisters and they use to be the best of friends. But now the two younger ones are best of friends. Now that she is in her own world she doesn't have anything to do with them.

Hal: Well, Olly that is entirely normal because she is beginning to launch into womanhood. The two younger ones are not. So, some of the things that they use to all have in common, they don't have in common anymore. She is really going through a difficult time of kind of figuring out what it means to be a woman. She knows what it means to be a little girl. But now she is heading towards womanhood and that is a really scary time. What you can do as a dad is communicate that no matter what she goes through, you are still right there consistently inviting her. What would be wonderful is for you to invite her for some one on one time with dad.

Olly: Well, we have done that. We have Daddy's Day Out. One time we went out to several places. I actually tried to take her to a jazz club. We had dinner.

Hal: Great. Take her on dates. You are doing great dad. Just continue to invite that. But don't demand it. She is going through things that you don't understand.

Olly: No, I have two brothers. I never had any girls. This is really, really, trying.

Hal: This is challenging for you. But you know what? There is a wonderful period of education for you. You are going to get a great education on what it is like to watch a woman develop. I think it is going to give you more respect for women than what you already have. You have got three daughters. It sounds like you are doing great. Thank you so much for the call Olly. Just continue to invite your daughter. But don't demand. I promise you that she will eventually cling to her father because that is what so many girls are looking for. They are looking for a way to see that men are not just what the media points them out to be or paints them out to be. Sometimes anxious parents point them out to be. What our kids are all wanting is someone to journey along beside them, to help them, to help them understand that it is scary being a kid. We are all rolling towards the same thing of our kids launching from the nest and having wonderful successful lives that actually contribute to the world. But as long as we let our anxiety and worry about what might happen to them get in the way, then we end up coming across as needy, demanding, and anxiety driven. Now we have another unique question from Tom, who is on a mobile phone about trying to get a husband and wife on board of the ScreamFree boat. Tom, welcome to the program. You are on with Hal Runkel, News Talk 750 WSB.

Tom: Hi Hal. I just wanted to talk to you again. I listened to one of your presentations over in Lawrenceville.

Hal: Great.

Tom: I brought home a whole bag full of goodies with several approaches hoping to get my wife on board. At least trying to find a common language that we could parent with.

Hal: She is not interested in that?

Tom: This is both our second marriage.

Hal: Okay. You are each both bringing kids into the family?

Tom: I've got a stepson and I've got a son and daughter. So there is three together. It is difficult to get our parenting styles to mesh. I'm number five of six. She is number one of one. So, her experience growing up is a lot different than mine.

Hal: She has one and you have two. Right?

Tom: She has one and I've got two.

Hal: Right. That is funny enough.

Tom: My two have the dynamic of not being the only ones in the world. Her one has the dynamic of being the only one.

Hal: Right. Well, here is something that I think can help you. First of all, the biggest mistakes that families make is that they think they are normal and they think that now that we are a family, then the step dad or step mom has some significant authority over the step kids. The reason why you are having clashes about her parenting is because, now I am guessing, you are disagreeing with how she is raising her daughter. Right?

Tom: Yes, her son. To some extent, yes.

Hal: She disagrees with how you're raising your kids?

Tom: You must have met her before?

Hal: Well, here is the beauty of it. You know what? That is not the point because how I raise my kids is how I raise my kids. How you raise your kids is how you raise your kids. We are trying to do some of this together. But ultimately I want your input to help me be a better parent and dad. But I can't make demands on how you raise your kids because they are not mine.

Tom: Okay.

Hal: I'm guessing there is another parent involved? Are there two other parents involved?

Tom: There are two other parents. We have got it all. We have got brothers. We have got half brothers.

Hal: Absolutely. There is lots of fun going on. Right?

Tom: Yeah.

Hal: Ultimately, I believe that parents do not have to agree. What I have learned is that even though my wife and I share our two kids, my kids do not belong exclusively to me. They do not belong exclusively to her. What I can tell my wife when she disagrees with me is that I've got this National Best Selling Book that says I'm right. Of course her response is, Jenny?

Jenny: You can sleep with that National Best Seller book tonight, honey.

Hal: Exactly. It is okay for folks to disagree. What is not okay is for me to automatically to try to hire somebody to agree with me and then do with my kids- Does that make sense? To hire your wife and to demand that she parent your kids and her kid the way that you believe so.

Tom: Yes. Okay.

Hal: The healthy sense of respect for a difference in opinion. Let's talk about this.

Tom: Okay.

Hal: But your decisions with your kids are up to you.

Tom: She is a very busy professional woman. She is so stressed out. I've started to do- I've read your book and started to do a lot of the things you have talked about and that just takes the stress out of it.

Hal: Beautiful. That is great. Don't worry about her right now. Just continue to worry about you.

Tom: Okay.

Hal: I know that sounds and feels selfish but it is actually the greatest thing you can do for your family.

Tom: I just want to see her drop some of her stress level.

Hal: You can say that. I would love to see that because I hate seeing you stressed out. The best example you can give is your example. Not in a see I do it this way and it is better than what you do. But do it in a way that she eventually comes to you and asks what's going on with you and tells you that she likes the way you are doing things. Just focus on you and you will do great.

Tom: Okay.

Hal: Thanks for the call Tom.

Tom: I appreciate it.

Hal: 404-872-0750, 1800-WSB-TALK. You are listening to ScreamFree Radio with your host, Hal Runkel on News Talk 750 WSB.

[Teaching you how to keep your cool during the difficult times. This is ScreamFree Radio with ScreamFree Parenting experts, Hal Runkel on News Talk 750 WSB]

Hal: Every kid wants to have cool parents. No, this does not mean parents that are hip to the latest styles. It does not mean parents with no rules whatsoever. What kids are dying for and begging for is to have parents that keep their cool no matter what. That is at the heart of ScreamFree parenting. Saying you know what? It is my job to be the calm, cool, connected leader that my kids need. I tell a story in the book about my son climbing on the outsides of the stairs. He is two years old and he is climbing on the outside of the stairs just hanging on to the banister pickets and just hanging off. His feet are about five feet off of the ground. There is nothing below him but hardwood floors. He is standing on the little edge of step on the outside of the stairs. I am at the top of the stairs coming out of my bedroom. I hear hi daddy. Mr. ScreamFree Parenting, what the heck are you going to do now? My son is in mortal danger here. I wasn't planning on going downstairs. So, I could have just kept on trucking down the hall and hope it works out for the best, hoping I don't hear a splat. So often I hear from parents at the seminars that I give that I'm not a screaming parent. I'm just a laid back parent. That is just another form of screaming because what you are doing is emotionally disconnecting from the situation because you just can't handle it. Usually the laid back parent is married to a screamer who is having to make up for your [laidbackness]. I know. I just described every marriage of everybody listening. My integrity demanded that I address this situation. My son is in immortal danger. Right? So, I have to stay connected. What happens if I stay connected but I can't stay calm? What happens if I give into the panic? What happens if I lunge? What happens if I yell? Oh no! It just increases the chances that he will fall. I have to learn to stay calm. Emotional reactivity like that doesn't just make things worse but it actually creates the very outcome that we were hoping to avoid in the first place. That is why my number one job as a parent is not to protect my kids from all harm at all costs. I can't. My number one job is not to make sure that they never make any mistakes. I can't and I wouldn't want to do that because mistakes, so many times, are the greatest teachers for our kids. My number one job as a parent is to just stay calm no matter what. That is the heart of ScreamFree Parenting. Jenny said that we got an email from another listener who had a specific question.

Jenny: Yes, we did. Would you like to hear it?

Hal: That is why I am asking. Thank you very much.

Jenny: Sure. Yes, Stephanie writes in and says, "my 14 year old daughter has told me that she tried pot and likes it. She has been under no circumstances is she allowed to use drugs or alcohol. She tells me that she is not currently smoking or drinking but I am having a hard time with trust. She is not associating with the persons that I think are an initial bad influence-

Hal: Any longer.

Jenny: Any longer. "But it is very hard when things on TV. make smoking pot out to be a joke, not a problem. I know I am not the only parent having this problem. What can I do?

Hal: Drugs. Again, that is so easy for us to lose our cool because that is the worst thing possible. Our kids getting pregnant or our kids getting involved in drugs. That is so easy to say yes to that panic and fear and lose sight of some other things that may be happening in that situation. Listen to the email. She told me that she smoked pot.

Jenny: Yes, that was the thing that struck me. My 14 year old daughter has told me that she tried pot. I can't imagine telling my mother, at that age, that I was struggling with something.

Hal: I toked a little on the weekend. I've just got to tell you mom that it was the bomb. It rocks. Have you ever tried it? Did you ever do it? Really, this is incredible stuff mom. What is going on? She told me. She told me. That is what every parent is dying for is to have that kind of relationship where your kids will come and tell you voluntarily, "hey I tried this and I liked it". She is also asking what she does now.

Jenny: That is the scary part. At least for me, I don't think I would know what to say.

Hal: Right. Here is the beautiful thing. You don't have to. She has come to you and said, "mom, I did pot and I like it". That is a beautiful testimony to the relationship you have already. Everything in you is welling up to want to scream and freak out. Oh my gosh! I can't believe it! Who was it? Who gave it to you? Was it good? Was it laced with PCP? I can't handle it! That is why there are three words to say in that circumstance. Three words to magically transform your relationship with your kids, slowly but surely. Tell me more. Tell me more about that. You may be panicking on the inside. But you can communicate. Tell me more about that. Tell me when it was? Really? Who were you with? In as calm a tone as you can because you just want to continue that conversation. That doesn't mean that it is cool and great. Tell them to score you a joint and we will smoke it. No, it doesn't mean that. There aren't going to be set consequences for that. You can probably- She said that she knows not to do it. Okay. She said she smoked pot so this is what is going to happen. But she has told you. You know what? I don't want to do everything I can in my parenting to make sure that my kids don't make a mistake. I want to develop such a great relationship with my kids that if they do make a mistake, when they do make a mistake, I am going to be the first person that they come and talk to.

Jenny: Absolutely. You are a resource.

Hal: Exactly. A trusted resource. You know what? Every parent listening to this broadcast, I believe has great parenting within them with great parenting instincts, with great parenting desires and principals. The problem is that when we lose it, all of those desires, all of those principals go right out the window. That is why the greatest thing we can do for our kids is to just stay calm. Just stay calm. Go to our website www.screamfree.com. You can download, for all of the listeners out there, a free copy of our ScreamFree Thanksgiving eBook. Please, if you like what you have heard on this show, call WSB. Let them know that you want to hear more of ScreamFree Radio with your host Hal Runkel. I thank my guest host, Jenny Runkel. Thanks for being on the show. Folks, you are on News Talk 750 WSB and it has been a pleasure being with you.

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