ScreamFree Articles

We all want our kids to take “no” for an answer from us, but how many of us are willing to take “no” for an answer from our kids? I was forced to painfully confront this very issue earlier this past summer. And, as usual with parenting struggles, I learned something valuable about myself in the process.

“Mom, I know you’re going to be mad, but I’m not going to camp today.”

The words didn’t come as a total shock to my ears. My 9 year old, Brandon, had been telling me for three days that he was done with the whole day-camp thing. And to be fair, the kid had a point. This was his 5th camp in as many weeks since Hal and I were busy this summer writing our next book, ScreamFree Marriage. The carefree days of summer were few and far between for our kids.

So, as if he could sense the inconsistency between what we preach (see the news section on Hal’s upcoming Today Show appearance) and what we’d been practicing thus far, Brandon had been making his protests known. Each night, he would ask if he could stay home and each night I would tell him no. As you might imagine, each morning was getting increasingly difficult to motivate my unhappy little camper.

As much as I understood his desire to take a day off from structure and just have a lazy summer day, I had a particularly important meeting up at the office that I had to attend. If he stayed home from camp, he’d be stuck in my tiny office for hours on end. He needed to go to camp. I explained all of this calmly and turned to walk out of the room. End of story. Or not.

Brandon shook his head and told me politely that he disagreed. I glanced at my watch and felt my stomach tighten as I realized that my meeting started in less than an hour. Time to get this ScreamFree show on the road. With all the calm I could muster, I casually told him that I would give him five minutes to get up and get dressed. If I returned and he was still in bed, then he would lose TV for the next two days. I closed the door and tried not to panic.

Five minutes later I made the hopeful trek upstairs and guess what I found: Brandon unmoved, sitting in the exact same spot he was before. Undeterred, I raised the stakes and gave him five more minutes to get a move on. No dice. We went through this little routine several times until eventually I couldn’t think of anything else to take away. Little man had already lost TV, computer, and all video games for a week. He was banned from his bike, his roller blades, and his skateboard – what was next? Food? Water? I was exasperated.

I was being calm! I was handing out consequences! Why wasn’t it working????? And where was Hal when I need to hit him for making up all this ScreamFree garbage?

For a moment, I seriously considered the possibility of manhandling Brandon into the car and on to camp. I do outweigh the kid by a good deal. But one quick glance at his wall of sports trophies reminded me that while dude may still be smaller than me, he is incredibly scrappy and uncannily coordinated. Visions of what this “manhanding” might look like convinced me that wasn’t the best path here.

As I was standing in his room trying to figure out my next move, he looked me dead in the eye and said very plainly that he was willing to accept any consequence I could give him. He said he wanted to be bored and would rather sit in his bed and not eat or drink anything all day than be forced to go to camp. It was then that I realized just what he was doing and I simply couldn’t hide my smile. The little Gandhi was staging a nonviolent sit-in.

Oh, the irony. We’re the ones who introduced him to the courage of Gandhi and MLK. We’re the ones who preached over and over again that you should stand up for what you believe in ways that are fully integrated with your beliefs. We’re the ones who have told him that he’ll need to know how to say “no” in life, even to people he loves. I guess we just never thought he’d try it out on us.

Now the ball was in my court – and I realized that if I were going to stay true to all this ScreamFree stuff I write about, I had to swallow my pride and extend my respect. If he thought he could entertain himself all day while I did my work, who was I to tell him otherwise? So I informed him that instead of going to camp, he could come to work with me. He would sit in my office while I attended my meeting across the hall, but all of his previous consequences still applied. So, no PSP, no computer, no DVDs – nothing, nada, zilch. He nodded his head, started to get dressed, and began loading his backpack with the one thing I didn’t take away—books.

We drove to the building in silence, and after dropping him off in my office, I went into my meeting. I closed the door behind me and hoped for the best. Before I knew it, I was embroiled in detailed discussions and two hours had passed. I was actually surprised that I hadn’t heard a peep from across the hall and I halfway expected to walk in and see him playing a computer game despite his restrictions. I was fully prepared to give him the old “I told you so” if he so much as hinted at his boredom….in fact, I was actually looking forward to it. Alas, ‘twas not to be. What I encountered next left me at a loss for words. And that doesn’t happen very often.

Brandon was sitting in my swivel chair with an opened umbrella perched above his head and his hair full of bobby pins. He had found a stash of my bangle bracelets and was wearing them all up and down his arms. He heard the creak of the door and spun around slowly as if he were expecting me while motioning for me to have a seat. His mouth was sealed shut with scotch tape. He peeled the tape off, as if this were a perfectly normal thing to have to do, and said in a distinct and clear British accent, “Welcome to my palace. Would you like to join me?”

We both burst into immediate grins and laughed until our bellies hurt at his unusual little set-up. Once we caught our breath, he excitedly told me of his adventures that morning. He had made an army out of dry erase markers and was shooting them down with rubber bands. He had read two whole books. He had counted the tiles in the ceiling…once in English and then again in Spanish.

Remarkably, once we got home, he accepted his continued consequences without complaint. And although he’d probably never admit to it, I think he quite enjoyed his time without all the distractions of modern life. It gave him the chance to have quite a few unstructured summer days, just like he needed.

Now you may be wondering what I would’ve done had I not been able to take him to my office. The truth is, I don’t know. Maybe I would have taken my chances with the manhandling. Regardless of what my response would have been, I hope that it would still take into account that:

A 'No' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.”

--Mohandas K. Gandhi

I still have some mixed emotions about that day. I was angry that he just didn’t do what I wanted him to do. But I was I was also impressed that he kept his cool and stood his ground for something he believed that he needed. I walked away from that day wanting to honor and even celebrate the fact that my children have minds, choices, and lives of their own. Because when I really stop and think about it, I don’t want them to grow up always doing what they are told without question. I’d rather them know just how to say no in a way that keeps their integrity intact and their relationships whole. That’s something I think we can all say yes to.