ScreamFree Articles

Well, here we are in the middle of October and the boys of summer, at least the lucky ones, are still playing. America’s pastime has again captured our nation’s attention and that’s a good thing because even if you don’t enjoy watching baseball, you can learn something from it. This week, Jenny Runkel discusses “losing it” with her own kids and how going to the ballpark can help us all become a little more ScreamFree.

Some of my friends are under the mistaken impression that I never blow it when it comes to dealing with my kids. Those who are closest to me know better. Just because I work for a company called ScreamFree Living and I am married to a family therapist doesn’t mean that being calm comes second nature to me. In fact, if you look at the things I write, my best stuff commonly arises from the many parenting faux-pas that I commit.

That is why I really feel for those parents out there who write to us asking for help. We routinely get questions from parents who are trying their best but who feel as if they get pushed “past the point” too often with their children. They want to know what to do when they do lose it. They want to learn how not to lose it in the first place. They want to know that they are not alone. Let me start by saying something. We have all been there. There is not a parent on the planet who has not at some point “lost it” with their kids. In fact, a 2003 study from the University of New Hampshire revealed that 100% of the American parents they surveyed, by their own admission, had yelled or screamed at their children in the past year.

In dealing with my own children, I have had my share of moments I am not proud of. I have found myself at a place of anger and frustration wondering, “How did I let myself get here?” Usually it’s because I haven’t paid attention to where I was headed. In baseball parks, there is a boundary a few feet before the back wall where the grass ends and a dirt track begins. It is called the warning track and it is there to let outfielders know that they are about to hit the back fence of the park if they keep running in pursuit of the ball. In baseball, running into the wall can make for spectacular catches on the highlight reels, but more often than not, it means disaster. In parenting, hitting that wall means losing your cool and it is always painful. Losing your cool can take many forms. Screaming, caving in, name calling, eye rolling…you name your poison. For me, it involves me raising my voice and/or pronouncing ridiculous punishments that everyone knows I won’t keep. No matter which form you choose, crashing into the wall isn’t pleasant for you or your children.

In my parenting, I try to pay close attention to what that warning track feels like under my feet so that I can take steps to avoid hitting the wall. That dirt track will feel different for everyone, but for me, it feels like clenched teeth and tightened muscles. Audible sighs are soon to follow. Once those telltale signs have made an appearance, I know that the wall is close and it’s only a matter of moments before I crash right into it. When I feel the crunch of the track beneath my feet, I try a few things. Usually, I take a step back from the situation and tell the little brat – er “darling child” -, that I need just a minute to clear my head. I’ll walk into another room, take nice deep breath then hold it. When I let it out as slowly as I possibly can, I remind myself that I have a choice as to how the next few moments with my precious offspring will look. It is my decision, not theirs. I’m the grown up. Not them.

I try to remind myself that it is their job to test their limits and it’s my job to set them anyway. Sometimes if it seems like your child is “asking for it”, maybe they are. They are asking for calm leadership. When my children try my patience, they are learning a ton about me, themselves, and the world. What do I want them to take away from the encounter? The memory of Mommy’s veins bulging from her neck? Nope – nobody needs to see that, trust me. How about the look of hopelessness on her face as she shrugs her shoulders and weakly gives them whatever they want? No. What I want them to take away is the memory of an unflappable Mom who knew that what was best for them wasn’t always what was popular to them and who was able to maintain her composure no matter what.

Now, even despite my best efforts, there are certainly times when I don’t recognize that warning track in time and run smack dab into the wall. It is an awful feeling made especially worse because my children know the seven most painful words to my ears, “Gee, Mom, you’re not being very ScreamFree” In those cases, I wait a few minutes for the dust to settle and replay the events in my mind. If need be, I apologize in a sincere way that doesn’t in some way place the blame on them. Then I deal with the situation in a better way.

So, take heart, whether you feel like you really screwed up one time or whether you think you’ve screwed up a lifetime, relationships are resilient. Perhaps the great Yogi Berra’s words can apply to parenting as well as baseball…”It ain’t over till it’s over.”