By Hal Runkel, LMFT
I hope you Americans out there enjoyed a safe, joyous time with your families on July 4th. It is indeed a powerful day worth celebrating, signifying America's independence from Britain and its birth as a nation (it's also a special day for me and my family to remember my grandfather, Harold, for whom I'm named). In the spirit of 1776 and that remarkable Declaration, I'd like to articulate some truths I hold to be self-evident: - U2 has surpassed the Beatles as the greatest band in rock ’n roll history. While I am a huge Beatles fan and their influence on melody can never be matched, no band can match U2’s combination of powerful melody and poignant messages. “Bungalow Bill” simply does not stand up to “Beautiful Day.”
- Emotional reactivity (“screaming”) always, always helps to create the very outcomes we were hoping to avoid. Zinedine Zidane's head butt has the entire world talking about the power of losing your cool. In the second overtime of the final match of his brilliant career, Zidane snapped. He had endured enough cruel ribbing from his opponent, Marco Materazzi, and in an effort to stop the insults, and give the insulter what he deserved, he unleashed the most explosive example of pure emotional reactivity in a sporting event since Ron Artest attacked a fan in Detroit a couple of years ago. Or since Mike Tyson bit off Evander Holyfield's ear back in the 90s. And like those two athletes, Zidane's reactivity cost him a chance at victory. Word is that Marco Materazzi's insults were targeted at his mother and his sister. So, according to Zidane, while his actions were “unforgivable,” he had no choice but to defend the honor of the women closest to him. He then went on to say that the real guilty party is Materazzi because he started it. Sounds like my two kids fighting in the back seat.
In a far worse example of the power of “screaming,” the Middle East is exploding in a crisis of purely emotional escalation. In a rare move, the Vatican came out and publicly condemned Israel for its bombing raids that seemed, to almost everyone but Israel, far more intense than warranted. Israel is claiming that the abduction of two of its soldiers by Hezbollah was an act of war, and they reacted with a heavy offensive display. Of course, Hezbollah has reacted with major launches of their own, and now thousands of civilians on both sides are scrambling for safety, rummaging through what's left of their homes, or mourning their loved ones. And of course, each party in the conflict is blaming the other as the one who started it and waiting for the other to make the first move toward peace. Again, sounds like my two kids. The reason the Vatican is condemning Israel is because, like we all say to the more mature sibling, they should know better. Of course Hezbollah is acting in horrible ways, but what do you expect? They're a known terrorist organization! Whenever a supposed peace-loving nation reacts to terrorists with the same escalation, the same civilian-killing methods as the terrorists, they cannot still claim to be peace-loving. And their actions will only serve to increase the reactivity of the terrorists. Wait, am I talking about Israel, or the U.S.? (Of course, who am I to talk when I just yelled upstairs for my kids to stop yelling at each other). - Going back to the World Cup, here's another self-evident truth. No world-class sporting event should ever conclude its championship, and decide its champion, on something as silly as penalty kicks. Can you imagine Game 7 of the NBA Finals, after two overtimes, ending on a free throw contest? Or the Super Bowl ending on an extra-point contest? Neither can anyone else.
- No self-respecting male, regardless of his body shape, age, culture, upbringing, religion, or sexual orientation, should ever, under any circumstances, wear a tank top to the airport. Ever. Especially if he has even one strand of back hair.
- There is no such thing as total independence. I've been reading several histories of the American Revolution, and I am increasingly impressed with the courage of those 56 men signing a document that absolutely sealed their fate. If the war effort succeeded, then those men would become the leaders of a new nation. If it failed, as the odds certainly indicated, they would be executed for treason. And I get scared about signing a mortgage.
But signing the Declaration of Independence and winning the War for Independence did not make the USA totally independent. There is no such thing. People throw that word around all the time-money gurus preaching the promises of financial freedom, teenagers staking their claim for a future away from mom's rules, or automakers touting the liberation offered by owning an off-road SUV. But we're all still dependent in some way. We're all dependent on the relative stability of the stock market, the availability of produce at the grocery store, or the good sense of an oncoming car staying in his lane. I have made the mistake of claiming that the entire purpose of parenting is to launch our children into independence. Yes, we need to plan for their leaving, but total independence, not needing anyone or anything, is not realistic or even attractive. What we want to create are self-sufficient children. We want our children to have the health, skills, intelligence, and emotional stability to create and sustain their own lives. Yes, this involves a large degree of independence from their parents, but it also means developing the ability to reach out and make mutually beneficial (interdependent, if you will) relationships, whether it be a job, a team, or a marriage. In the meantime, however, our children are very, very dependent. I always hear questions from parents about what to do with their “independent” child. They use this term to describe any child that is not clingy. But what they're describing is not an independent child, but an individual. One of the hardest tasks for children is to develop into unique, separate individuals while still remaining very dependent on their parents. This task becomes ridiculously hard when parents react against that burgeoning individuality. “As long as you're under my roof [pointing out the child's dependence], then you're going to do things our way [squelching the child's individuality].” This doesn't mean that a child doesn't need to obey any family rules whatsoever in order to develop as an individual. It means that we parents have to be the champions of that individuality within a system of norms and consequences. So give them more choices than usual in the grey areas (how they dress, or when they want to do their homework), but remain crystal clear about the black & white areas (whether they go to school, or how they treat you). The reality is that even in the black & white areas, they still have choices. And perhaps the most powerful way to launch your kids towards “independence” (individuality) is to respect their choices in those areas. “Son, you know what happens when you talk like that to me, and I'm going to respect your choice to do so even still. You're now grounded for ________ [fill in the blank].” - Some movies age better than others, regardless of your initial fondness. If you doubt me, just go watch “Beverly Hills Cop.” It's now tired and terrible. But one film that just gets better and better is “Field of Dreams.” I just watched it last week with my wife and I was left in tears yet again. What was momentous for us was that for the first time, my wife loved it as well. Up to that point, she had always hated it. I know, you're wondering how I ever married her in the first place with such a grievous character flaw, but after 13 years, she's finally come around. I think it has something to do with having a son who would want to play baseball no matter what weather, nor even whether Nickelodeon were having a commercial-free SpongeBob marathon. Jenny even mentioned that now watching her son play catch with his father clues her in to the message of “Field of Dreams.” If you had a great relationship with your dad, then the movie floods you with fond memories. If you had a broken relationship with your father, like Kevin Costner's character, then the movie leads you to a wistful, teary-eyed hope that things could still be different. Regardless, if “Dad, do you wanna have a catch?” doesn't bring chills for you, you're missing out. It's among the top ten movie lines ever.
- We train people how to treat us. Speaking of movie lines, my wife and I love to use movie quotes in our actual dialogue in real situations. It's a sort of game that adds fun to our conversations, especially when finding a quote that fits perfectly with our current situation. One of my favorites is from When Harry Met Sally: “You're right, you're right, I know you're right.” This is the line Princess Leia (I know she's really Carrie Fisher, but to me, she'll always be Princess Leia) delivers when Sally confronts her with the truth that her married boyfriend is never going to leave his wife. “Of course he's never gonna leave her.” “You're right, I know you're right.”
See, I think we all should be surprised when someone initially, or very occasionally, treats us badly. You know, takes us for granted and assumes we'll understand when we cancel plans, or betrays our confidence by revealing something in public. Out of my sincere belief that most people want to consider themselves a good person, we should always be surprised at this. We should never be surprised, however, when people do something like this continually. If someone promises to meet you at a certain time, and shows up an hour late for the umpteenth time, there should be no surprise. This is what's behind the old adage “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” Our President may not be able to say it, but it's definitely true. That person is behaving that way with you because you have given him/her no reason not to. As long as you continue to act the same with that person, they will act the same with you. And when you then go complain to Sally about it, she's going to be nothing but irritated at your stubborn refusal to look at your own behavior. And that's the difficulty-learning to focus on our own behavior instead of the other person's. Instead of trying to ignore the other person's inconsiderate or rude behavior, hoping it will go away, we need to look at how our behavior is actually inviting them to continue. We may as well be saying “I know you're always an hour late, but I'm still going to make plans with you, even with a smile on my face, hoping that you'll come to your senses and act differently this time.” Instead, focus on your own behavior and do something different. Go ahead and make plans if you still want to meet with her. Maybe it's for work, or for getting your kids together, and you all have a good time whenever you do finally meet. Great, make plans to meet; but also make plans to respond differently. When she's late, wait ten minutes max, and then simply leave. When she arrives and doesn't see you, she'll call. And then you can respond with calm resolve: “Well, I figured since you didn't show up that you had more important things to do. And then I realized that so did I.” Well, there are some of my self-evident truths. I'd love to hear some of yours. Shoot me an email and we can post 'em all in a future article. I'll then list some more of my own. But now I need to go. I'm in a crowded airport and a tank-top-wearing man just sat down next to me. And I'm afraid if I don't leave I may have to head-butt him.
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