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Sibling rivalry is a mythical phenomenon that comes out of Freud’s thoughts about competition in the family for mom’s affection and dad’s approval. Technically speaking, it is a construct used to make sense of the observed battles between siblings and their efforts to triangle a parent into their side of those battles.

But I don’t believe in the construct, so I refuse to characterize those battles as such. It’s not that my kids and the kids of my clients don’t go toe-to-toe at times, or even what seems like most of the time. It’s just that I refuse to diagnose my kids with a condition that says all of those battles have something to do with my attention, affection, or approval.

And that’s the real problem of “sibling rivalry.” It is another way to orbit parents’ lives around their children. It is another way of guilting parents into thinking that they are responsible for their children and their choices. By framing it as “sibling rivalry,” it’s as if somehow, some way, even our kids’ immature battles in the back seat are a statement about our implicit favoring of one over the other. We can’t just characterize it as kids just experimenting with relationship boundaries, we have to label it in a way that makes parents, once again, feel responsible for their kids. And feel guilty about that responsibility.

My main philosophy about siblings battling each other is that it’s normal, helpful, and even necessary. Sibling relationships are incredibly unique. For most, they have the potential for forming the longest relationships possible in this life. And these lifelong relationships are forged in a common laboratory, the immediate family.

How this plays out practically is that I learn to appreciate their conflict as integral to their personal development. Arguing between siblings over who gets to play next on the Xbox is a great way for kids to cut their emotional and relational teeth. When they have to work things out on their own, they learn that life is rife with such conflict. And they learn the good, bad, and ugly ways of dealing with such conflict.

When I intervene too quickly, I rob my kids of the chance to grow. When I allow my anxiety over their sometimes petty arguments to jump in, I teach them they don’t actually have to deal with conflict; they just have to get Dad to take their side and come to their rescue. That’s not a pattern that goes away easily.

What I cannot encourage strongly enough is for parents to hold on to themselves for a moment whenever they feel compelled to intervene in between their kids. Hold on and try to listen to what happens next. When they invite you in, encourage them to work it out. If the argument escalates, explain to them that at a certain decibel level, they both (or all) get in trouble and face consequences.

Ultimately, prepare to be surprised at the solutions your kids will come up with once they are given the space to work it out amongst themselves. Occasionally, you’ll see a rivalry turn into a partnership, a partnership that could last a lifetime.