ScreamFree Articles

Years from now, when Oprah leans across the couch and asks, “Hal, how did all of this get started?”, I’ll have my answer ready. It started right here with this newsletter and these words: the greatest thing we can do for our kids is learn to focus on ourselves.

Those are the words that launch my upcoming book, ScreamFree Parenting: Raising Our Kids by Keeping Our Cool. Those are the words that have already begun to transform the lives of numerous families. And those are the words that can revolutionize all of your relationships, beginning with your children, today.

ScreamFree Parenting is first and foremost a shift in focus. It is an approach that takes our attention off our kids, off our spouses, off our friends and family, and places it squarely upon ourselves. I am the only one I can ever control. I am the only one I would ever truly want to control. We’ve all tried in vain to control others, particularly our kids. We’ve tried to control their behavior, their thoughts, even their feelings.

We’ve tried to make them feel happy, or secure, only to be blown away at how quickly their attitudes and emotions can change.

I’m reminded of a famous New Yorker cartoon with the heading: “Dream Remote.” The picture shows buttons like Clean Your Room, Wake Up, Do Homework, and Deal with the Dog – He’s Your Responsibility. Boy, we’d never have to get angry if we had one of those!

We cannot make our kids feel anything they don’t want to feel. We can’t make them do anything they don’t want to do. Well, actually we can, but that’s called manipulation, and the name of the book is not Manipulative, Coercive Parenting. There is so much about them and their lives that we cannot control! We can’t even protect them from every danger, nor prevent them from ever making a dangerous choice. But there is something we can do. We can learn to focus on ourselves.

I can learn to control me. I can choose how to behave, even when my kids choose to misbehave. I can choose my responses; I can calm myself down. I cannot control my kids, but I can influence them. This is ScreamFree Parenting. I am learning to calm my own anxiety in order to help my kids grow up (and finding myself growing up in the process).

Now, to some folks, ScreamFree Parenting sounds as impossible as SweatFree Exercise, or StressFree Holidays (see John’s article on page 2). I’ve actually had people say, “But if I don’t scream, then my kids won’t ever listen to me!” For others, screaming is not a problem. Some just find it easier to let things go, or simply give in. But you know that’s not working either.

ScreamFree Parenting is not discipline-free parenting, endorsing some form of laid back hands-off relationship. It is also not passion-free parenting, advocating an emotionless relationship with your kids. ScreamFree Parenting is about getting a grip on ourselves as parents and taking charge of our own responses. It is about basing our actions on our principles, not on the emotional whims of our children.

ScreamFree Parenting provides a way to connect with our children without being controlled by them. It provides a way to discipline our kids without demeaning them. ScreamFree Parenting shows the way to influencing our kids without having to manipulate them into compliance just so we can feel better. The world doesn’t revolve around our children; they can’t handle that kind of pressure anyway. By focusing on ourselves we stop the destructive patterns of that mindset. By controlling ourselves we teach our children to do the same, to control themselves. Isn’t that what we want?

I believe ScreamFree Parenting is only the beginning of a powerful revolution, a revolution of personal integrity and interpersonal harmony.

By learning to focus on ourselves, by choosing to take charge of our own emotional life, we will each experience renewed potential to influence others. We’ll discover new heights of safety, growth, human dignity, and freedom in our relationships. If you haven’t already, I urge you to download the first chapter of ScreamFree Parenting, now available on our website, www.screamfree.com. And if you find any of this material helpful, pass it on to all your friends and neighbors. We’re just at the beginning of a powerful movement, and you’re in on the ground floor. I’m thrilled that you’ll be here to grow along with us.

Now, does anyone know Oprah?