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If we’re not under control, then we cannot be in charge. That’s a bedrock principle of ScreamFree Parenting. If I’ve lost control of myself, then I become the last person my kids will look to for safety, security, and wisdom. And I become the last person they respect enough to grant their loyalty and allegiance. That’s the price of “losing it” with our kids.

Unfortunately, we’ve seen a few examples of this type of “losing it” in regards to the crisis on the Gulf Coast. New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin, in facing a chaotic nightmare I cannot even imagine, has nonetheless demonstrated a lack of poise. So many of us have been watching intensely as the struggle for survival in the great city of New Orleans has come across every form of media around us. And so many of us have screamed out loud, right along with Mayor Nagin, wondering why it took so long for relief to come.

And his screams in private conversations with powers that be are entirely appropriate. But when addressing the public as the appointed leader of the city, Mayor Nagin is learning that his tone and demeanor are to shape and calm the chaos, not merely reflect it. By reflecting the chaos of the city, Mayor Nagin was trying to echo the cries of his people. And many people may believe he did just that.

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What he is learning, however, is that the cries of his people were directed at him. They needed more from him than hearing their own pleas for help, bleeped-out words and all. They needed him to calm their fears by holding onto himself.

So often the mistake that leaders, and certainly parents, make is they believe that as leaders they have to have all the answers, all the resources, all the expertise to fix any situation. But as the quote from Dr. Friedman reminds us, the leaders that inspire us, the leaders we aspire to follow, are the ones who make no pretense of having it all figured out. The leaders we want to be “in charge” are the ones who, despite the crisis or lack of resources, never lose their poise. It’s not about having all the answers; it’s about bringing a calming authority when there are no easy answers.

This brings to mind Rudolph Guliani after 9/11, with his city crumbling from terror. This brings to mind Winston Churchill, with his city crumbling from Nazi night bombings. This brings to mind MLK and Gandhi, refusing to reflect the violence inflicted upon their people.

This does not bring to mind the recent move of our Governor here in Georgia, Sonny Perdue. As the crisis on the Gulf mounted, news began to float that gasoline pipelines were shutting down and Atlanta would soon run out of gas. Not many people heard this news, however, until Gov. Perdue tried to cut off the crisis before it began. He decided to call a press conference and announce that there was not a gasoline crisis in Atlanta.

Another bedrock principle of ScreamFree Living is that acting out of fear always creates the very outcome we were afraid to face. Acting out of the fear that Atlantans would rush to the gas pumps and create traffic jams, gas shortages, and price hikes, Governor Perdue issued a warning akin to announcing “There is not a fire in this movie theater.”

“Then why issue the warning?” is the immediate question. And “There must really be a crisis,” the logical response. And that’s what we Atlantans did. Promptly upon hearing the Gov.’s warning, we stormed the pumps and created the very gas crisis Perdue was hoping to avoid.

Anyone can captain a ship when the sea is calm, the famous saying goes. True leadership is forged and demonstrated precisely when life is at its stormiest, when anxiety is at its highest. I am not trying to simply cast judgment on these two leaders—again, I cannot imagine being in their shoes. But I do want us to acknowledge what most of us intuitively know—calm, poised leadership is what we crave.

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And so do our kids. In ways similar to any political leader, we face similar challenges in our leadership as parents. It is precisely in those most difficult times when our followers, our kids, are looking for strength, for solidity, and calm. This is true even if it is their behavior and reactivity that’s causing the storm! Whether it be our toddler throwing a fit in the grocery store or our teenager screaming how much they hate us, our calm resolve to remain present and under control is what each of our kids desperately craves.

Our children want to see that as they exercise their emotional wings, as they flip out and learn to flap away, we don’t get rattled (as they flip out, we stay unflappable). They want to see that regardless of their immature efforts to define themselves, they cannot define us. At that time we get to show our mettle, our leadership capacity. And we show this not by having all the right answers, or applying all the right techniques. We show it, and thereby inspire our kids to their own growth, with one simple action – maintaining calm.

That way we don’t have our outbursts immortalized in something far more lasting than Mayor Nagin’s bleeped-out complaints or Gov. Perdue’s ill-advised warning—in the formative memories of our children.