AskHal

I am having problems with my daughter who is almost 15. She just seems to hate me and I don't see it ever changing. Is there any hope of a better relationship?

I love your question. You are obviously in the thick of it with your teenager, and the constant butting of heads is leaving you dizzy. You are definitely not alone. But your situation, as is everyone else's, is unique. And that's why my answer to your question may surprise you.

Is there hope? Yes and No.

First, the No. No, there may not be the kind of hope you're hoping for. There may be no hope because what you hope for simply isn't possible. For instance, there is no hope that your daughter will change, or grow up and mature, without you having to do the same. There is no hope that your daughter, and your relationship with her, will go back to the way it was, or leapfrog to the way you want it to be. There is no hope that without making any significant changes of your own, your daughter will magically snap out of her funk and start behaving the way you need her to. There is no hope for this because it is this kind of hope that is actually helping to create the patterns you're already in.

But now for the Yes.

Yes, there is always hope in rebuilding a relationship, because all relationships are based on patterns. And there is always hope when we think about patterns, not personalities. Thinking about patterns, we can see the context surrounding behavior. When she directly defies you, what do you do in response? When you respond that way, what does she then do? And on and on. There is always hope when thinking this way because instead of changing her response, you can just change yours. And that necessarily changes the pattern. When she talks back, and instead of reacting in kind you respond with something different, like empathy ("You must really be upset with me to talk to me like that...tell me more"), then you have automatically changed the pattern. You may not even be able to predict what her response may be. I always ask parents, when they find themselves stuck in a destructive pattern, "What could you do that would absolutely shock your kid?" Find it, and do it, just to change the pattern. Yes, there is always hope, no matter what mistakes you've made in the past, no matter how far you think your relationship has sunk. There is always hope because there is always a choice to do something different.

And remember to take care,

Hal