AskHal

This was sent in by a ScreamFree dad who is really on the right track as far as we're concerned:

In order to give kids space to express themselves, to give them a sense of ownership, ScreamFree Parents are encouraged to give kids their own room. That means we as parents have to respect that it is their space to manage as they see fit. If we need to have the room clean or set up in a certain way to calm our own anxiety, and we find our selves cleaning it and arranging it (or sometimes worse, nagging or yelling at our kids to clean it up), then it is not really their room, is it?

One of the principles of ScreamFree Parenting is that "Kids Need Their Room". This is not just about giving them physical space, but about giving them the room they need to grow up, to make mistakes, to make their own decisions. In our continuing effort toward becoming ScreamFree Parents, my wife and I have attempted to give our teenager his space by allowing him to keep his room as he wants. He has to help keep common areas of the house clean, but we call it “his” room, so with all the integrity we could muster, we decided to treat it as such. As you might imagine, that means there are skateboard stickers everywhere, posters of bands he likes, and yes, it's often a real mess. But once we stopped nagging him about it, I was amazed at how our relationship improved. He didn’t know what to think at first, but gradually he believed that we were genuinely giving him space. Then he did something that blew us away. As I walked upstairs the other day, I saw a note on his door, underneath the do not enter sign, and above the chemical hazard zone sign. It read: "Dad, please wake me up early so I can clean my room." It's so exciting when we see this behavior because we see our teenager is making his own decision here. He is becoming self directed. More effective than any amount of nagging, yelling or bribing that we could do to encourage him to clean up his room is his own personal motivation to do so. (We think that much of the influence had to do with him having some girls over to visit -- but if that's what motivates him that's a whole lot better than us nagging or screaming at him!) Now the next phase of self-direction for our teen is to have him wake himself up in the morning! What a wonderful journey parenting is. I’m afraid that one will be a little harder to let go of, but I know it’s in our future!

Trying Hard,

David

Thanks David for sharing your success with us and all of our parents who are also working on becoming ScreamFree.  It feels great to have these incremental successes.  You are a great dad, and your kids will thank you for it!

Do you have a success story to share with us? Other parents can benefit from your stories!  Share them here, or email us at tellhal@screamfree.com.  

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