AskHal

Dear Hal,

I am a single mother of a 5 year old son. His father will have nothing to do with us. Recently, my 5 year old son has started saying things like "I want a new mommy", or "I hate you" when I have to discipline him. I realize he's saying these things because he's upset, but I don't know how to respond. How can I get him to stop saying such horrible things to me?

Joan

Hi Joan, You sound like you are doing a great job with a very challenging situation. You mention that he’s upset because you are disciplining him, but I wouldn’t automatically agree with you. You can’t rule out that he’s dealing with a significant loss in that his dad is not involved in his life. You are an easy target because you are safe and you are there. The fact that he feels comfortable sharing this frustration with you is actually a very good sign. He’s actually (in his immature way) telling you that he thinks you can handle his stress. Now, just because he feels safe with you doesn’t mean that you should be his verbal punching bag. You have to be the one to set the guidelines as to what is appropriate and what isn’t. If you don’t like for him to say “hate”, tell him why, but don’t tell him that he can’t say it. Instead, tell him that he can’t say things like that to you without consequences. Then clearly set those and go about your business. You are now in a great position to teach him a very significant skill: how to handle angry or hurt feelings without hurting others in the process. In a way, he’s just being very vulnerable to you because he trusts you. Help him redirect and show him by example how to handle himself when someone else pushes his buttons.

Take Care and Stay Cool,

Hal

For those of you out there with questions of your own, you may want to check out our AskHal archives. You also might try posting this on our community forum. You’ll find out that you are certainly not alone and there are plenty of parents willing to tell you how their ScreamFree journey is going in regards to this topic. Finally, if you're ready to move on to the full parenting program, try our ScreamFree CPR (complete parenting revolution). We guarantee that it will change your family for the better.

Happy parenting!