AskHal

Dear Hal,

I am a mother to 6 children 14, 10, 7, 7, 6, 2. My ex husband and I are together and raising the kids. I just picked up a copy of the book and I have read most of it so far. I agree totally with the idea of keeping myself cool but "how" can I do that when I’m in the heat of the moment and all I want to do is yell, scream, and cry??? Usually I scream then after I remember I should have stayed calm....How can I reverse that? Also how can I give each kid a space of their own when there are 3 kids to a room??

Stressed Silly

Dear Stressed,

Jenny here. I felt compelled to answer you on this one. The first thing that comes to my mind is....SIX KIDS!?!?!??! I can't even pretend to imagine how difficult, hectic, crazy, and joy-filled your life must be.

I totally understand your question, though, and to be honest, I struggle with it too. The key for me is to stop myself before I get into the heat of the moment. To pause well before I'm there. There's a book that influenced us by a guy named Jamie Raser. He says that in order to do that, you have to figure out what your “hooks” are. What is it that tends to get you riled up and into an argument before you know it? You may find that you have different ones with each of your children. Carve out a few minutes at the end of a day to sit quietly and think about what those may be. Write them down and start to look for them in likely situations.

Also, I don’t know about you, but I often have great intentions and a limited attention span. I guess there’s only so much room in my brain and between the grocery list and the orthodontist appointments, the good stuff gets squeezed out. My solution may seem silly, but it helps me. I use sticky notes or note cards that say simple things like "relax"; "enjoy your kids"; "breathe deep"; "they're not evil little monsters trying to send you to the insane asylum". I hide these in my bathroom and in the kitchen so I'm sure to see them often. I happen to be a very visual person. Once I can recognize my hooks and see them coming, I can use visual cues to help me remember that staying calm is actually more important than the outcome of the interaction. I also wear my ScreamFree wristband as a constant reminder that I want to be the adult in the situation.

As for the space aspect of your question...that's tough. I guess it's ultimately more about respecting their privacy than the literal space, so maybe you could designate a corner of each room for each child, a drawer somewhere in the house just for them, a time for each of them to have the rooms to themselves?

I really hope this helps – I think you’re doing great. Just by taking the time and energy to read the book and get connected with our community, I think you’ll find the strength you need to be the mom you want to be. Please keep us posted and do your best to stay cool!

Jenny