| AskHal |
|
Dealing With AutismDear Hal:
I am a 43-year-old mother of four children: Annie, age 12; Ellie, 10; Tommy, 7; and James, 5. James has autism. Through nothing more than necessity, I stopped wracking my brains over Annie, Ellie and Tommy's friendship troubles, homework, and bad attitudes, and started making them more responsible for their own problems. I realized that I was a screamer, and that my screaming was the sole cause of the lack of peace in our home.
I stepped away from taking responsibility for every little thing with my children. As a consequence, my house is a lot more peaceful, and the kids have a lot more motivation and self-discipline.
James was diagnosed two years ago. His autism blew a big hole in our world and forever changed the fabric of our family. James is somewhat verbal concerning his wants and needs, but he resorts to guiding and grunting when he's not in the mood to use his words. We've tried the PECS cards, but honestly, I just don't have the fortitude to use them consistently. A good day for me is three square meals, clean laundry, a house that reasonably neat, and a 9 p.m. bedtime. Sometimes, the entire family gets frustrated with James, and our voices are raised with him. To our discredit, we don't always have a plan for James' time, and when there's no plan, he gets into loads of mischief - opening up bottles and dumping the contents, squeezing all of the toothpaste out, high pitched screaming, and just general mayhem. We do everything we can to see that he gets a lot of exercise. That seems to help him regulate himself.
Do you have any ideas? I really get tired of "education speak" when I talk to his therapists and teachers. I need practical advice on how to get through the days and help him to manage his own impulses. I have four children who are moving in four entirely different directions. The "helpful" suggestions offered to me just don't work in a big and busy family. James is physically strong and growing more and more each day. I'm concerned about his lack of impulse control as he gets older. Is there any way your principles can be applied to a child with autism?
Help! Lisa R.
And from forum participant, allyn42, came this reply:
Lisa R., I'd love an answer to that question also! I asked it at one of Hal's seminars and one principle he shared with me is that parents like us need a bigger oxygen mask.
To these and all parents of children with autism, I say thank you. Thank you for your questions, and thank you for your steadfast struggle to be great parents, even when you don't have answers. And I have to admit that I don't really have any answers, either.
What I can say is allyn42, you are absolutely right. My biggest response to questions about autism is that you parents have to work even harder to take care of yourselves, because your job as parents will tax you much more heavily than most. So the better you can take care of yourselves, with frequent and regular breaks away from your kids, the better you will be when you're with them.
And that sounds like what you're beginning to recognize, Lisa. You are taking HUGE steps to regulate your own anxiety, and your family is benefiting. You have every reason to be proud of yourself.
As for working with James, you are on the right track. You are even recognizing there are things you could be doing that actually work to bring stability to the situation. For more tips and autism-specific info, I strongly endorse the website, www.autismtoday.com. This site has tremendous resources on the topic, and expert advice and forums for parents who are journeying through this challenging process.
But you are also recognizing, Lisa, that you do not always have the fortitude to stay structured. That's why you need a bigger oxygen mask. That's why you need to do whatever it takes to take care of yourself--so that you won't need your kids, especially James, to have a great behavior day in order for you to feel competent. Remember that your competence, and your validation as a parent, comes from your behavior, not your kids'.
Last year I wrote an article addressed to parents of kids with special needs. It was called Special Needs, Special Love (click here to read it). I wrote it not as an answer, but rather a thank you note to all those parents who teach the rest of us what it means to love our kids.
Take Care, Hal |
Helpful Tools for Parents» ScreamFree CPR Kit» Email Newsletter » Daily Tip Email » Discussion Forum Other ScreamFree Resources» Our Parenting Product» Become a Sales Affiliate » Facilitator Training » Other Parenting Resources |
