AskHal

My 11-year-old tends to leave her door shut, spending hours on the phone or doing who knows what. Should I force her to keep the door open?

I may initially frustrate you a bit here with my response, but stick with me. Instead of immediately giving you an answer, I'm going to give you a few questions.

1. What is your greatest fear about the closed door? Drugs? Internet predators? Are these fears justified? Have you seen signs that she’s getting into trouble? If so, then address those concerns in a calm conversation while doing something completely unrelated like shopping.

2. Does she have access to television, video games and a personal computer in her room? If so, remove them and instead provide these amenities in a family room. You will no doubt see more of your tween.

It's ironic for sure. The more you worry about your daughter's need for privacy, the more it will become a problem. Chances are, she's just exploring what it feels like to be by herself, to be independant. So, instead of worrying, put your energies elsewhere. Do NOT demand that she keep the door open. That will only lead to the very problems you are afraid of in the first place. Find something that you can do to actually celebrate her newfound sense of privacy. In a ScreamFree way, make a simple comment that you think it’s great that she values her room and having her own space. No questions about it, no lingering to see her response. Just make the observation, that’s it. You might be amazed at both her confusion over your respect and her new desire to let you into more of her life.

Then, once you've tackled your own anxiety about her desire for privacy, invite her to join you. Don't plead, beg, or insist. Just matter of factly tell her that you are going to be watching a family movie and making popcorn and you'd love for her to join you. She may resist at first. That's ok. Continue to invite her and let her know that you like spending time with her. This is the beginnings of a very trying time between the two of you. She will rarely show that you're getting through to her, so you'll need to make a promise to yourself that you don't need her validation to feel like you are a good parent. I know letting go of this anxiety is really hard, but it’s critical. You should seek to become the force behind your child’s burgeoning individuality, instead of the force against it.