AskHal

Dear Hal,

Debbie

When listening to or reading someone's question, I always pay special attention to the exact language they use. In this case, Debbie, the way you worded your final question is very telling.

Many, many people are attempting to "juggle" all the responsibilities in their life. Marriage, kids, work, kids' sports, church, kids' activities, dinner, kids' homework. Another expression I hear is "keeping all the plates spinning." What's fascinating about these metaphors is that they both come from the playful arena of the circus, or vaudeville. Jugglers tossing multiple objects in the air and plate spinners sp-, well, spinning multiple plates. All to the amazement and enjoyment of the audience. But in most families caught up in these circus acts, there is little amazement and little joy. This is because in these families, parents are the entertainers responsible for everything and the kids become the spectators to their own lives.

This can especially happen in blended families, where overresponsible parents (usually the stepmom, incidentally) try way too hard to overcompensate for the hardships of the divorce. I believe the biggest challenge facing blended families is the unspoken desire to make like a "normal" family. Considering that "normal" families are also caught up in the juggling act, this shouldn't become anyone's goal. I suggest striving to lead an "abnormal" family life. One where one parent works hardest to figure out what her responsibilities are, and what they are not.

-I am responsible for how I parent my kids when I have them. -I am not responsible for how my spouse parents.

-I am responsible for providing a stable home structure for my kids. -I am not responsible for overcoming every hardship my kids face, even the ones I helped create but cannot take back (like a divorce).

-I am responsible for taking care of myself so that I don't need my kids to comfort, or acknowledge, or appreciate me. -I am not responsible for all the emotions my kids experience, and I should not be arrogant enough to take them all personally.

-I am responsible for loving my spouse and his/her kids, but not in the same way I love my own. -I am not responsible for raising my spouse's kids.

-I am responsible for providing calm and calming leadership in my family. -I am not responsible for anxiously trying to "blend" anything.

Debbie, those last two are obviously for you. I do not know you, nor do I fully know your situation, but I believe you know that you are trying to "juggle" things that are simply not your responsibility. Does that mean leaving things up to others, like your ex, your partner, and his ex? Absolutely. Does that mean beginning to leave more things up to the kids? Absolutely. Does that mean leaving things up to the mysteries of the universe? Absolutely.

But not everything. Concentrate on those things that are purely yours, those responsibilities that absolutely no one else can or should do but you. And perform in those to the best of your ability. You may find yourself actually enjoying just doing your part of the circus act.

And take care, Hal