AskHal

Your ability to influence your child has nothing to do with your physical size or strength. Your integrity is the greatest influence your kids will ever know. So, mean what you say, say what you mean, and follow through. Using force to coerce your child to do something may work in the short term, but what does that do to the relationship between you in the long run? If you've used force up to this point to assert your authority, this will be a tough change to make, but it's a vital one. Instead of thinking about yourself in an adversarial role, try imagining yourself as a change agent: one who influences rather than controls. After all, we are hoping to create self-reliant, intrinsically motivated adults. What's the best way to encourage that? It's not force or control.

Become the influential force in your teen's life through respect. Not by demanding respect from your teen, but rather by extending it to him. Respect him in your words and actions. Respect the choices he make, even the ones you disagree with. When he makes a choice that has a clear consequence that either you or another authority established, respect your teen enough to let him taste those consequences.

If junior loses cell phone privileges but won't surrender his phone, don't try to make him. Chances are, you'll lose a battle of the brawn at this point. Instead, put your best tool to work, your creativity. Simply call the cell phone provider and have his service disconnected.

And remember to take care,
Hal