AskHal

I try not to scream, yell, threaten and scare my children but there comes a time when too much is too much. I am a bit confused about the exact route we are to take. What happens if I stay calm but my kids don't change their attitude? What happens if they keep screaming and not doing what they are told? I just want to do this correctly. Please help!

Believe it or not, I struggle with those same practical questions just about every day. I'm not saying that to sound like I can relate; I really do find myself confused sometimes about the "business" decisions I have to make with my kids every day.

By "business" I am referring to those decisions involving scheduling, structure, discipline, chores. You know, all the unpleasant stuff that neither my kids nor I want to deal with. But that's part of our job as parents.

And there are no easy answers. There are no plug-n-play techniques anyone can give that will magically tell you or me how to handle a son who keeps saying "I'm coming!" while the rest of us wait in the car. Or what to do when a daughter lies about doing her homework.

All I can do in those circumstances is make sure I stay calm, and focus myself on one question: "What do I want to do here?" Not "What do I have to do to get my son to do...(fill in the blank)?"

It is not our job to get our kids to do anything, even if try to do so calmly. Any efforts to get our kids to do something are inherently manipulative, and as such will invite out of our kids the very defensiveness we're trying to defeat.

I just try to remember that I cannot ever control my kids' responses; I can only control mine. So how do I want to respond when my kid tries to hold the family hostage by stalling when we have to leave? I don't really know. Sometimes I want to calmly let him know that we're waiting, and every minute we have to wait is costing him 30 minutes at bedtime. Sometimes I want to just sit in the car and measure my own steam and see how long I can remain calm (this is like lifting ScreamFree weights) and then, when he finally comes down, inform him how much it hurts me when he is so thoughtless of others. Sometimes I want to go to him and work with him to improve his time management, offering a gentle hand to guide through territory that is still very difficult for me, even as a grownup.

Sometimes I just want to drop-kick him into the car.

The point is that any of these responses (except the dropkicking, of course) can be effective in building relationship even if none of them are effective in changing his behavior. And thankfully, that's what ScreamFree Parenting is all about. This is about parenting for the long haul, not engagning in the brief battles that can be so distracting.

And it really sounds like you're doing great because you're asking great questions. Just keep asking.

And remember to take care, Hal