AskHal

Dear Hal,

Nancy

Great question, Nancy. Are you overreacting? Maybe. But I am pretty positive that you are underresponding.

ScreamFree parenting is not ever about letting things slide, or becoming aloof to our kids' dangerous decisions. Far from it. Becoming a ScreamFree Parent is about  addressing our responsbilities to our kids, and doing it in a definitely calm way.

The fact is that as our children age they will become exposed to more and more of life's decisions (something that we all want). But that means they will become more and more exposed to life's dangers (something that we don't want, but have to accept). Our responsibility to our kids during this process is to continually ask ourselves one question:

How do I balance protecting my kid from life's dangers and yet exposing my kid to life's lessons?

How we answer this question is going to differ depending on that kid's age, maturity, the context of the situation, and the nature of our relationship. Some situations are easy to answer. I'm not going to let a 2-year-old learn the lesson of not playing in traffic by letting him get hit by a car. But what about when he's seventeen? I certainly cannot be with him in every street, protecting him at all costs. Some lessons he will have to learn on his own. I just hope it won't cost him life or limb. But I have to live with that anxiety.

You, Nancy, seem to be facing a no-brainer as well. Your daughter is experimenting with drugs, hanging out with other drug-users, and drifting over to the dark side. So many parents in your situation believe that facing that situation, there is no way you could possibly "overreact." Do anything, absolutely anything, to make sure your daughter severs those dangerous relationships and never touches drugs again. These parents would say that by even questioning your reactions you are letting the drugs win over your daughter. So watch her like a hawk. Give her a drug test every week. Take away any privacy at all until you can be assured she'll never experiment again.

And you know, in some circumstances, these actions may be appropriate to save a life. I remember one occasion in my therapy practice where I had to violate all my confidentiality ethics in order to stop a client from killing himself. I had to call the cops, my client's girlfriend, his family, all his drug buddies, everyone I could think of, telling them all about his plans and his state of mind. And they all helped stop him. And he survived the night.

But I never saw him again. As is often the case in those circumstances, the breach of confidentiality was more than the relationship could handle.

And that's the danger of overreacting to danger. In an effort to protect our children from themselves, we risk losing any future influence, or any relationship at all.

And sometimes things get so bad that we have to make that choice. One thing in your question tells me that you are NOT at that place, however. Nancy, you reported that your daughter came to you and told you she smoked pot and enjoyed it. She came to you and told you that. Let's think about that for a moment. How many teenagers are doing everything they can to HIDE their drug use from their parents? The vast majority. Your daughter came right out and said it, probably knowing you would freak out about it. She even added that she LIKED it!

I'm guessing this was indicative of the relationship dynamics already going on between you. It sounds like she is desperately trying to test you. She is asking two things from you at the same time--she wants you to get reactive so she can feel justified in resenting you, and yet a part of her wants you to calmly respond in strong love so she can feel safe in your care.

And unless you believe it's worth risking the entire relationship, that calm response is always the course to choose. Your daughter comes to you and says she's experimenting--find a way to calm all of your anxiety demons inside and request: "Tell me more."

What she needs (and truly wants) from you is your calm, adult leadership. Leadership that listens without arrogantly knows just what's going on. Leadership that cares enough to pause before immediately going into action (or more accurately, reaction). She wants leadership that can guide without condemning, speak seriously about next steps without lecturing on the rules.

How you respond from here on out is up to you, Nancy. If you believe your daughter's life is literally hanging on the moment, then risk everything, even your future relationship with her, to intervene and take over her life for a while. Use whatever means necessary. If you believe as I do, on the other hand, that you and your daughter are caught up in a relationship test, then take a pause and begin your response this way:

"Honey, I know you know all about the dangers of drugs, and about the expectations I have of you in this area. And I apologize for how I've reacted thus far, with lectures and freakin' out and what not. You have a life outside of mine, and that's the way it's supposed to be, and it seems your life is leading you to some potentially dangerous decisions (at least in my eyes). I care so much about you I can barely stand it, but what I care most about is our relationship, and right now I simply want to keep the conversation going. You told me about smoking pot and that you enjoyed it...can you tell me more about that?"

And then hold on...

So remember to take care, Hal