AskHal

Dear Jenny,

I really enjoyed the "I’m sorry, Butt" article in the newsletter a couple of weeks ago. I soooooo do that to my girls (we have triplets) without even realizing it!

I am very big on resources and I try to read everything I can. I am very fortunate that my husband and I usually agree on parenting but we both struggle with screaming.

My daughter really pushed me the other day until rather than ourselves I screamed at her to go to her room. After I cooled down, and armed with my new knowledge from the article, I went upstairs and we sat on her bed and talked about it. I gave her a heartfelt "I’m sorry" (no butt). She said, "Mom it really scares me when you scream."

But I don’t know what else to do. I try setting consequences, but it seems as though the pull of the bad behavior overshadows any fear of consequences for the moment. When it is time to administer the punishment (i.e.: going to bed early, no Barbies, chores, etc) then there is a colossal melt-down.

I guess my question is: What do you and Hal do when you get "pushed past the point?" We both scream when we are frustrated. I hated it when my Mom screamed, which was all the time and I want better for my own children. We are both really trying to be the best parents we can be. Any help you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

Mom of Triplets

Mom of Triplets! I am close to being "past the point" just thinking about the logistics of that. Hats off to you for even finding the time to send in a question. Not coincidentally, your question really has three parts, as I see it. On one hand, you seem to be asking a very straightforward question and I’ll tackle that one first. "What do you and Hal do when you get pushed past the point?"

In dealing with my own kids, I try hard to recognize when I am on what I call the warning track. In a baseball park, there is a spot a few feet before the back wall where the grass ends and a dirt track begins. It is there to let outfielders know that they are about to hit the fence if they keep running in pursuit of the ball.

In my parenting, I try to recognize what that warning track feels like under my feet. That track will feel different for everyone, but for me, it feels like clenched teeth and audible sighs. Once those two telltale signs have made an appearance, I know that the wall is close. To avoid ramming into the fence, which for me tends to be raising my voice or pronouncing ridiculous punishment that I know I won’t keep, I try a few things. Usually, I take a step back and tell the little brat –er, darling child -, that I need just a minute to clear my head. I’ll walk into another room, take another nice deep breath and hold it. When I let it out, I give myself a little pep talk to remember that I have a choice as to how this next encounter will continue. Oftentimes, that is enough.

If I’m closer to the wall than usual, I’ll take a bit longer and use a little imagination. This may sound silly, but it works for me. I pretend that my life is a movie and I am watching a scene unfold. I then ask myself, "How would I want my character to behave? What would I like to see her do in this situation?" Crazy? Maybe. But it really does help me be a bit more objective and take things a little less personally. Plus, my hair is always perfect in my own movies.

Now, there are certainly times when I don’t recognize that track in time and blow it. In those cases, I try to do exactly what you did so well with your daughter. I wait for a few minutes for the dust to settle and I apologize (no butts allowed).

On to your second question. "What can I do when my daughter won’t obey me?" It seems to me that you already know the answer to this question because you mention consequences. Practicing ScreamFree parenting means letting the consequences do the screaming, rather than ourselves. You already know that screaming doesn’t work and even if it did, you want better for your children.

Now for the third, and most difficult question. It is really more of a statement, with the question implied. You mention, "When it is time to administer the punishment, then there is a colossal melt-down." – the third question seems to be, "What then?" Your real question concerns the actual consequences and how they are administered. You mention that there is a "colossal melt-down" when it comes time for punishment. I can totally relate. My kids have certainly had those on numerous occasions. In fact, one was so impressive that I actually wrote an article about it called Mt. St. Kid!

It may be helpful to remember that it doesn’t matter what they think of the consequence or how they handle it. What matters is how you respond to them no matter what they do. I sometimes get the ever-infuriating response of, "I don’t care." when I take something away from Hannah – almost daring me to up the ante. I just refuse to take the bait, as tempting as it is. I have also found that the consequences which work best are the ones that I have control over. I tried the "extra chores" route a few times and that scenario often turns into a battle bigger than the original offence. For us, taking away privileges is the old standby, but if those aren’t working, we try other things. Lately, getting Brandon to brush his teeth has turned into a nice little standoff each night. So, instead of holding him down or taking away TV over and over again, we give him a choice: Brush your teeth, or pay us $10 from your piggy bank to finance the eventual filling that you will need. Many times, simply giving your kids a choice and respecting their decision, even when you don’t agree with it, is the way to go.

I want to applaud you for asking those questions in the first place. You are certainly giving your kids a wonderful childhood by continually striving to be the best parent that you can.

Keep learning, keep breathing deep, and keep in touch.

Jenny