AskHal

Thanks! Christi

As we shared in last week's newsletter, my family has just come through a year of cancer treatment for my wife. And while I cannot speak for my wife and her grueling physical experience, she might agree that the emotional strain on the family, particularly about the unknown, was the hardest part to endure.

What if questions are so difficult to face as adults, but they can be even more terrifying to our children. This is because they are so desperately looking for us to provide a base strength of support and stability--in a world so much bigger than they are, they look to us for that sense of "everything's going to be all right."

But sometimes, we cannot make that claim. Sometimes we cannot look our children in the eye and promise them that everything will be okay. Sometimes, life's not okay.

And that sounds like what you and your family are facing now. I am so sorry to hear about your nephew. Terminal or not, what he and you all are facing now is just wrong. Children should not have to suffer through debilitating illness; parents should not ever be healthier than their kids. I've said before that I may now know what it's like to have a wife with cancer, but I still have no idea what it must be like to have a child with it. I pray God's blessings of healing, comfort, and peace.

And as the Aunt in this situation, I believe you are in a unique position to be a vessel of that healing, comfort, and peace. As an aunt, you are connected, but one step removed. That affords you the distance to help without feeling responsible for everything. It affords you the perspective to lead with your calm.

And that's your calling here--find your calm and lead with it. This is the calm that can listen to your sibling (or in-law) as they grieve, vacillate between hope and despair, and question everything and everyone. This is the calm that can hear the fear behind your own kids' questions, and respond with an integrity that neither discounts their fear nor hides your own, but rather faces the reality that none of us stands totally secure from the dangers of the world. And yet your calm translates into a strength to continue on in the face of that insecurity.

We get into trouble whenever we try to hide bad news or emotions from our kids, the kind of bad news or emotions that show on our faces despite whatever words we speak. We also get into trouble when we don't face our own emotions with a peer, someone a little further removed from the situation. Just as you can be that person for your family, you need that kind of person for yourself. Otherwise we begin to look to our kids for emotional support, and end up getting reactive when they simply cannot appreciate or respect our needs.

Your questions here centered on how best to prepare your three children for the journey ahead. The answer is simple: prepare yourself first. Focus on your own difficult journey here so that you can discover your own sense of calm, even "in the midst of the storm." Finding your own calm is your number one priority, because looking to you for guidance will be theirs.

So remember to take care,

Hal