AskHal

My 11-year-old son sometimes refuses to take any responsibility for the types of homework that is hardest for him. He has always struggled with reading and writing and remains about one year below reading level and writing level. Without pressure from us, he will choose not to do certain homework, and therefore choose to fail rather than to do as much as he can.

We don't do the work for him, but we do require him to do it, and my husband intervenes if he won't. My husband has offered rewards for doing his spelling work as well. I think you would see this as homework hovering, but I've seen firsthand that my step-son simply will choose not to do the work if left to himself. I think your recommendations assume kids will "come around," and I don't think that's always the case. I guess my question is: what would you suggest in a case like this?

Terry in New Hampshire

Hi Terry, Thanks so much for your question. I am intrigued by one word you wrote that just might change everything. You said he "sometimes refuses to take any responsibility". My answer to your question is actually a question... When does he not refuse? In other words, what is different about the times when he does take ownership over his own work?

Instead of trying to motivate him through what would work for you, take a closer look at what he's already telling you. After all, we don’t just want our kids to do their homework, we want them to want to do their homework. We want them to become intrinsically motivated. Flat out ask him, "I've noticed that sometimes you do a really good job taking responsibility for your spelling words - like two weeks ago. What happened that week?" Then really listen to what he says. Don't focus on the negative - highlight the positive. 

As for whether or not you are “homework hovering”, I think that totally depends. The idea of putting a structure in place where homework is to be done before the tv comes on is great. We actually have that in our house too. But, after setting that structure in place, you have to give him some space to choose. Continually asking whether or not he’s going to do his spelling simply defeats the goal of getting him to take responsibility for it. There are some natural consequences already in place at school. If he doesn’t do the work, his grades will suffer. He knows that. Why not allow those consequences to do some of the work for you? Say something like this,

“Buddy, I have all the confidence in the world that you are very capable of doing this work. You just need the time and opportunity to do it. And it’s my job to make sure you have that. But, whether or not you do your homework is up to you, not me. You know that if you don’t do it, your grades will drop. I will check your grades every two weeks and if they fall below a B- (or whatever is acceptable and reasonable to you) then you will not be allowed to watch any tv for the next week so that you have plenty of time to concentrate on your work. So, the choice is yours.” And then leave it at that. That way, you put something in place so that you help him through what is a very tough thing to learn instead of positioning yourself as either the taskmaster or the treasure chest. 

I know it’s different and it sounds hard to swallow – but I can tell you from experience, it works. You have to do what you can to give him the tools he needs, then you need to let go of all the anxiety you are bringing into the situaion. It is only making both you and him stuck.

Take Care, Hal