AskHal

Monica:))))

I love the way you signed off your question, Monica. "At my wit’s end" is how so many of us feel every day as parents. You are definitely not alone (even though it may feel like it!).

So let's look at why. While I don't know your story, I can tell from your question that you are racking your brain trying to figure out your son, figure out what makes him tick, figure out how to motivate him to action. His resistance to all these efforts has led you to take responsibility for his choices. You said "I am having a problem with him (not) turning in his homework" (even though it's complete).

The critical step is seeing that YOU are not having a problem, HE is. Only he doesn't see it that way. You have told him, by accepting responsibility for his choices, that he doesn't have to be. His homework and misbehavior are not HIS problem as long as you see them as YOURS.

What we create in that circumstance is a game, with our child left feeling that he now needs to turn in his homework for your benefit. He feels your anxious need for him to change, and that actually de-motivates him to do so.

The question to ask ourselves is this: why in the world should my child do his/her homework? What would they say to that question? Because I told them so? That simply does not keep anyone motivated for very long, and it does nothing to help them become owners of their own lives.

Usually, the thing to do is the very thing we ourselves have resisted doing--letting go of our need to make our children behave. And letting go of their misbehavior defining our relationship. This looks like this: genuinely caring more about how his friendships are going than how his grades are doing; deliberately choosing to ask him lots of questions, none of which have to do with school; beginning to relate with him in a way that communicates his schoolwork is his, his life is his, and yours is yours.

If you want to start afresh this school year, remember that you can be there to help, but only if he asks for it.

And remember to take care,

Hal