AskHal

Dear Hal,

Everything my kids see and hear seems to point them towards wanting more stuff and my parents are making things even worse by spoiling my kids rotten! How do we teach our children the value of the dollar when we live in a time of excess?

How does our country teach the world the value of the dollar when they see us spending so excessively and exercising such little self-discipline in our trade habits? Okay, forgive me for the political rant. But I really do see the two questions as similar. So often we as parents or leaders are trying to influence people to adopt lessons we ourselves have yet to learn.

And that is certainly true in regards to money. You are absolutely right—most everything in our culture is screaming out that excess is best. Even grandparents. Do you remember ever getting Halloween cards with embedded ten-dollar bills from grandma? I certainly don’t. But my kids have come to expect it every year. It can be so hard to try to teach your kids self-discipline and simplicity when no one, even family members, seems to want to support you. In truth, everything and everyone can seem more likely to subvert you in these efforts. So, what should you do?

But be of good cheer. Despite all the cards feeling stacked against you, no culture of excess or spoiling grandparent can even come close to the amount of influence you hold over your kids. No matter how difficult it is to believe at the moment, you are the greatest influence your kids will ever know. Ever. Why else would so many major religions refer to God as a parental figure?

The problem is that most of us parents think that our greatest influence occurs through our explicit teachings on the subject. If our kids would just listen to what we have to say and respect our wisdom just a little bit, then we could protect them from the outside culture and they wouldn’t have to ever learn things the hard way. Then they wouldn’t have to “make the same mistakes” we’ve made.

But such “teachable moments” about our kids’ choices are not where our primary, and strongest, influence lies. Our strongest influence lies, of course, in our own choices. Yes, I’m about to deliver some difficult news—our kids will learn most about money by watching how we think about, talk about, and most of all, choose to spend our own. Ignore it all you want—this is an unavoidable, absolute truth.

But again, be of good cheer. This means that by simply focusing on your own relationship with money you can influence your kids dramatically. You don’t have to worry so much about the culture or try and try to train your parents (and in doing so, become a common enemy in the eyes of both them and your kids). You can instead exercise a moonlike tide-pull on your kids and their thoughts and habits by calmly choosing to focus on yourself.

How are you doing at managing your money? Do you regularly seek out professional counsel? Do you have a management system that keeps track of every dime and then regularly evaluates your spending vs. your budget? Do your kids see you investing, saving, giving, and spending with careful attention and intention?

If they don’t, then chances are that they won’t either.

Think this task too monumental? Here’s a simple place to start. Wait, before you cringe at the thought of yet another money-management tip, know that this is a place that is directly connected to your relationship with your kids. If you’re willing to start here, then I promise amazing an amazing amount of influence on your kids and their own relationship with money. Are you ready? Here goes…

When your kids ask you to buy something, whether big or small, eliminate these words from your response: “We can’t afford it.” By saying this one phrase, we are unknowingly communicating three things:

1. If I thought we could afford it, I would buy it. Therefore, the only thing stopping me from buying it is the bank account.
2. If ever we can afford it, according to the bank account, then you can ask me for more and more and more because I will no longer have a built-in excuse for saying no.
3. (Hang on, this is the toughest one…) I am actually a very weak person who relies on my lack of resources as my only strength. I am not strong enough to simply say no to my child without using what I lack as my only resource.

I think you’ll agree that those are not the messages you want to send to your children. Instead of saying “We can’t afford it,” reclaim your strength, integrity, and power in this life by saying, simply and calmly, “No, I do not want to spend my money on that.”

First of all, that statement is true. If we really want something, few of us actually let our bank account determine our response. Look at the volume of our credit card debt as proof! And our kids know this. So saying “We can’t afford it” is actually a lie in their eyes when they see us getting “creative” to afford our house, our cars, our toys, etc.

Second of all, the statement is powerful. By simply claiming your right to spend your money in the way you choose, you are stating to yourself and the world that you are in control of yourself and your choices. That alone makes you a person of influence, someone whom your kids will look up to, respect, and learn from.

Thirdly, such a statement changes your own relationship with money. Money is not all-powerful, it does not burn holes in people’s pockets, and it does not automatically corrupt those who possess it. Yes, poverty is, I believe, an evil force. But poverty’s greatest influence is how it changes one’s belief system about themselves and money’s power over them. I know it sounds self-helpy, but it’s true—you are the only one in charge of your choices, and thus you are the one in charge of your influence upon the world around you, especially your kids.

So, it turns out, my strongest advice to parents is the advice we’ve been trying to get our kids to follow for decades: Just say no. Don’t use your lack as an excuse. Own your choices for what they are—choices. That way, when you do say yes, there is no chance for buyer’s regret, and no chance for resenting your kids for goading you into making a frivolous purchase.

And then ask your parents for back pay on all those Halloween cards they neglected to send you.