AskHal

I look forward to hearing your advice. Thanks!

What's great about your question is your self-awareness. I don't hear any blame on your husband, nor any need for your kids to make life easier for you. You sound sensible in your estimation that your marital struggles are having a damaging effect on your whole family.

The marital relationship is the centerpiece of the family. It is the relationship that shapes all other relationships around it. It is foundation from which our kids will launch into adulthood. That's why divorce is so damaging--it cracks the liftoff platform for our kids, making it difficult to understand age-appropriate living. They either regress and act in surprisingly immature ways, becoming the "problem child" that gives the parents something to focus on other than their marriage, or they jump too far in their maturity in an effort to comfort their parents, not realizing how they're "losing their childhood", as you say, in the process.

Again, you seem aware of this, and that's the most critical step. Now the question remains what you're going to do with this knowledge. You know your daughter is leaping to a position of rescuing you, which means she can tell you need caring for. This means you must make it your number one priority to take care of yourself. This doesn't mean trying to hide your needs, it means learning to take care of them yourself. You know it's not your daughter's responsibility to meet your needs, but you may not know that it's not your husband's job either. No one can meet our needs, emotional, physical, or otherwise, except ourselves.

This means developing new relationships, perhaps with professionals, who can offer you objective guidance, coaching, and care. This means acting "self-centered" with your time, taking radical command of your daily choices. This is going to put people, particularly your husband, in difficult positions sometimes. But you cannot let anything prevent you from taking care of yourself--for everyone else's benefit.

So often we hear self-help experts say that "you owe it to yourself" to take care of your own needs. But that's not the ScreamFree way. You owe it to your loved ones, like your husband and your daughter, to take care of yourself (and free them both up from having to do it for you).

Hal