AskHal

Dear Hal,

My son is 4 and dresses himself. Sometimes it is not exactly matching, but I just am glad he does it and not me. My mother in law is always telling my husband that we should not let him pick out his clothes, that we should just tell him what to wear. I really want him to have this kind of choice, but my husband is not so sure. I don't know what to do and feel caught in the middle.

This actually doesn’t sound like an issue between you and your mother in law. It sounds like an issue between you and your husband. Why is he bringing you into the discussion if she’s addressing him? He is expecting you to either take the fall or stand up to her on his behalf.

Take yourself out of the middle and let your feelings be clearly known. And from your question, I think you know in your gut what you think is right here, you are just looking for permission to pursue it. Here’s my official permission:

Do what you think is right in your own home, no matter how strong minded your mother in law may be. Tell both her and your husband that you actually WANT your son to pick out his clothes (within reason – weather considerations, etc…) because you are raising him to be a strong, decisive man who has no trouble making his own decisions. (Ahem….) You don’t allow him to choose everything in his life, but you are giving him choices where appropriate so that one day he can.

As much as you’d probably like to not have to have those difficult conversations with your mother in law, she will respect you more for doing it. And you’ll respect yourself more. One of my favorite quotes of all time is by Clementine Padford. She said, “Never grow a wishbone where your backbone is supposed to be.” Too often, we spend our time and energy wishing things could be different rather than strengthening ourselves in order to make the changes we want.

You have a responsibility TO your son to be a strong role model. Be open to ideas from your mother in law, but don’t be pressured by them. That’s just not how adults function. Once you really believe this, you’ll do great. And for what it’s worth, I agree with you on the clothing choice: sure, your son may not match every day, but both of you will be better off from this whole experience and maybe your husband will be inspired to do a little strength training of his own.