AskHal

Dear Hal,

My 5 yr old son has been talking back lately and he won’t listen. His teacher is having the same problem with him. If we ground him to his room, he peels the paint off the walls. We don’t know what else we can do. What do you suggest?

Hal here. Sounds like you've got a battle going on. You and his teacher are bound and determined to change his behavior, and he is bound and determined to resist, or even escalate.

Here's something to remember whenever we place ourselves in this battle dance: our actions are not helping to stop the battle, they are helping to further it. Whenever our children begin to escalate their behavior, it is because they believe we are escalating ours--and now it's about who's going to win.

The way out of the battle is always to give up on winning. You start off by saying you've got a 5-year-old who talks back. With all due respect, welcome to the club. That's part of what 5-year-olds do. It is an attempt to exercise their limited power, and they're very curious to see your response.

So how would you like to respond? I know you can tell me very plainly how you would like him to respond, but ask yourself how you would like to respond, regardless of his reponse?

Do you want to be engaged in a battle with him, or do you want to rise above that by calmly informing him of (and then enforcing with calm resolve) the severe consequences of his choices? His actions are his way of seeking attention from you. Deep down, he wants to respect you, but he'll need to see you coming from a place of strength rather than one of weakness.

Don't give him more power than he can handle by allowing his immature behavior to infuriate you. Instead, rise above that with your maturity, and set clear consequences for the behavior you don't want. Try taking away privileges instead of sending him to his room and see if this helps. But no matter what consequence you choose, the important thing is how you go about enforcing it. Calm yourself down and let him know that there's nothing he can do to change your feelings for and toward him. You want him to behave better and talk nicer to you, of course, but you think he's a great kid regardless of his choices and all the consequences those choices incur. Refuse to take his actions personally and reframe your thinking about his disrespect. If you can let go of your need to win, the real victor in all of this will be your relationship.

And remember to take care, Hal