AskHal

Angela L.

Thanks so much for the question, Angela. And yes, of course, I've got some thoughts on the subject. Probably too many thoughts on the subject. So, in an effort to prioritize these thoughts of mine, I'll present a simple top ten list of things to think about as you begin to launch your kids (and possibly yourselves) from the family nest.

1. The empty nest was the whole point to begin with. Everything in our parenting journey points to preparing them for life without us. So congratulate yourself.

2. With drastically improving longevity estimates, the empty nest is increasingly becoming the gateway to the longest phase of our lives. By no means is life over. In many ways a new life is just beginning for you and your husband.

3. Divorce rates are quite high for empty nesters, you're right. The question to ask ourselves is this: Now that I don't have the kids to keep us together, what will keep us together? What would I like that to be?

4. The Hebrew Bible says that leaving mom and dad is the first step toward joining with your spouse. In the empty nest phase, leaving our kids is the first step toward reconnecting with our spouse. No, parenting is not done, but yes, we must leave our kids to their own lives and focus on our new one.

5. Spouses will never experience this phase exactly the same way at the same time. It's okay if your spouse wants to keep holding on to the kids--you don't have to. It's okay when one of you wants to start new things-- you don't need each other's cooperation to make it work.

6. Viagra, Cialis, Horny Goat Weed, whatever. Better living through chemistry--bring it on.

7. You know all those things you wanted to do, but felt you couldn't because you had kids? Do 'em.

8. Never retire. Change occupations, change work format and times, find projects that inspire you and benefit others besides yourself. But never retire. Studies consistently show that retirement only hastens aging, dampens passion, and turns marriages into spouse-obsessed nursing homes for two. Everyone needs to pursue something larger than themselves and outside of their families.

9. Don't always be immediately available to your kids. When I took my kids skiing for the first time, the ski instructor said the best thing parents can do is hand their kids off to other instructors. If you are always there, she said, then the kids "will always lean on you. And they will never learn to lean on themselves." And as we're launching ourselves, I think the same can be said of us.

10. Never hesitate to surround yourself with advisers. Consult financial planners, tax strategists, business mentors, and family therapists. The hallmark of maturity, I believe, is the ability to ask for help just for yourself. So if you're worried about this phase, consult a therapist and invite your husband. And then go, even if he doesn't join you.

This phase is going to challenge you to be the best you possible. Accept that challenge, and you'll be amazed at how others discover a newfound appreciation, respect, and affection for you.

Congratulations. You've completed your job as a parent!

And remember to take care,

Hal