AskHal

Dear Hal,

I can’t handle my 13 year old daughter and I don’t know what to do. She calls her stepfather and me names in front of her friends and gives us no respect. I’m thinking of sending her to live with her father so that she doesn’t influence her two (much) younger siblings. I feel so helpless, especially considering that I teach elementary school for a living. I’m supposed to be good with kids! What should I do?

Carol, NJ

Carol,

In my years as a therapist, I have come to believe that what people are not giving is an expression of what they’re not getting. In this case, your daughter is not giving you respect because in her eyes, she is not getting any. Is it possible that you are doing the same thing to her? Are you withholding respect from her because of her treatment of you? When she calls you and your husband names, all she’s doing is trying to get respect in the only arena that she thinks she can - from her friends. That’s pretty normal and there’s a simple way to handle it.

Before I get there, I’d like to address something else I noticed in your question. You mentioned that you have two smaller children and you teach elementary school. My guess is that it is hard for you switch gears from working with young ones to relating to a teenager. It sounds to me like you’re having a hard time welcoming her into womanhood when she needs you the most.

Your struggle shouldn’t come as a shock to you. Of course you find it hard to transition. She’s changing so rapidly and you’re used to seeing her as a little girl to teach to rather than a young woman to model for. Here’s the simple fix: extend some respect her way. I said simple, not easy. It will feel awkward for you, but remember, you don’t have to be respected by her to be the adult in the situation. You are strong enough and smart enough to look past this bravado that she’s putting up. Look deeper and you’ll see a scared young lady unsure of herself and her place in your family. Take her out to lunch, just the two of you, and tell her that you owe her an apology. You’ve been treating her like a child when she’s clearly growing up. Allow her to tell you how that makes her feel, especially around her friends. Then, look for ways to show her that you value her as a growing teen and extend the privacy, space, and respect that she deserves. I think you’ll be amazed at how she responds. So, hold off on sending her away. If you’ll pardon the pun, I think you’d be throwing the baby away with the bathwater if you did.

Take Care,

Hal