AskHal

Thanks so much for this question, because it obviously took a lot of honest self-focus for you to even write it, much less publish it on our forum site.

Obviously, this fits with today’s article about responses. You seem to fit in with so many of us that become so relationally-driven that we care more about others’ responses than we do our own. But what you’ve pointed out here is that so often our perception of others’ responses may not even be accurate! We may believe that all these other parents around us at Wal-Mart are silently judging us because our kids are throwing a fit, but that perception may not actually reflect reality.

But it doesn’t matter, does it? Nope, because it’s our perception of those responses that we let determine our own responses—not to those other parents, but to far easier targets, our kids.

I love your self-awareness here, because you know that’s what’s going on. And that’s the first step, realizing that you’re letting your own insecurity drive your relationship with your kids. And it’s driving you all crazy. Good. Now’s the time to make yourself your number one priority, for the sake of your kids.

You obviously have believed the lie that your job as a parent is to be responsible for your kids and focus all your efforts on making them behave. So have we all. Now it’s time to recognize that as a lie and open yourself up to a new possibility, the possibility that comes when we choose to focus on our own behavior, our own responses, more than the immediate responses we get from anyone else.

One thing I always strive to remember is the truth that Principles Are More Important Than People. Because I care so much about the people in my life, I cannot let the emotional whims of our relationships govern my behavior. I have to be more concerned about how well I adhere to my own principles (like how I want to behave regardless how badly my kids are behaving) than how well my kids adhere to the social codes of the playground.

And so can you.

Hal