AskHal

Thanks! –Carmela

First of all, thank you Carmela. It is not often people address me with honest critiques like yours, so I appreciate it. None of us can do without feedback, especially negative feedback, if we are to keep growing.

Based on the wording of your question, my first reaction (and you know my views on the dangers of knee-jerk reactions!) was to question exactly how much of the book you had actually read. I remember when we initially began offering the first chapter as a free download. We started this long before the whole book was finished. That chapter contains the famous "Waffle House" hat story and lays out a vision for a non-reactive, yet fully connected parent/child relationship. But being only a first chapter, my intent was to relay that vision and then lead the reader toward the rest of the ScreamFree Parenting principles throughout the rest of the book. These principles, such as focusing on yourself, giving your children both their space and their place, and letting the consequences do the screaming, are coupled with real stories of parents making the decisions and changes we all crave to implement. And it’s all designed to inspire practical applications of the ScreamFree Parenting vision.

With all that stated, however, I believe your question may have given voice to many other continually despairing moms & dads out there, some of whom have read the book and even attended my seminars. And thus I think your question provides a perfect opportunity to address the issue: “Is ScreamFree Parenting practical?!?”

You may have seen or heard the recent advertising campaign for a new parenting program that promises to "fix your child in 10 minutes!" This program is well-packaged and brilliantly marketed (we could learn a few things!), but it yet another in a long line of parenting materials that are 1) child-focused and 2) technique-oriented. These materials answer directly to a parent’s anxiety, promising easy-to-follow recipes for exactly what to do and when and for how long. All we have to do is coat our refrigerators with the latest charts, have the sit-down dinner, and explain to our kids how it’s all going to be different “from now on.”

ScreamFree Parenting is not a "how-to" book in the most traditional form. It has no long list of to-dos for parents, offering no quick recipes to magically transform your kids, or yourself. That’s why so many parents who come to ScreamFree are those who’ve read or tried so many of those technique-based programs, and “failed.” You can imagine the despair a parent feels after the crash & burn of another failed technique. Their kids seemed to exercise that stubborn individual will yet again and thus thwarted the whole new program. And those parents are left wondering, “Now what?”

What I strive to do in my coaching practice, my family life, and my writing is tell the truth. I strive to tell the truth in a way that leaves the other person focused not on me and my "smarts," but rather themselves and the promising challenges they face. And the best bit of news I can deliver to parents is that parenting is supposed to be difficult. Kids are supposed to be strong-willed (if they’re to survive in this world!) And parenting is about parents growing up just as much as their kids. This is good news because it’s the truth. And what else is true is that while never easy, the answer is simple. Just stay calm.

This doesn't mean at all that ScreamFree Parenting isn't practical. I believe it's absolutely the most practical material available because it inspires just that, new practices. Practices for the parent based on timeless relationship principles, not manipulative techniques designed for today’s obstinate teenager.

So you’re still left asking about the screaming toddler in the restaurant. If you were to ask me this question in one of our seminars, my response would not be to tell you what to do with your toddler. That top-down type of teaching would be the very same type that I'm helping people avoid with their children. I am simply not going to tell someone what to do. But here's what I would do: I would ask you a question. "What you would like to do with your toddler in that situation?"

"Well, I don't know...I would like my toddler to listen to me!"

"No, that's what you want your toddler to do. What do you want to do in that situation, regardless of what your toddler is doing?

You might reply that you want to whip his little behind! But after some thought, you might say you wanted to calmly remove him from the scene, perhaps to the bathroom, perhaps to the car. You might say you'd leave, letting your spouse handle it while you gathered yourself. You might say you’d begin to question taking him to a restaurant with a long wait in the first place (as I did).

What the ScreamFree vision gives you is a radical emphasis on saying "no" to your immediate anxiety, and saying "yes" to your highest principles. And that can only happen with a new focus on yourself, not your child. That can only happen with a new priority on staying calm, no matter what. You don't have to know what to do in every situation in order to be a great parent. You don't have to say all the right things and do all the right things in order to raise great kids. You just have to stay calm. Your instincts will take over from there.

And remember to take care of yourself first of all,

Hal