AskHal

Dear Hal,

After being in a horrible first marriage, I’ve finally found someone who loves both me and my daughter and we are scheduled to be married. The problem is my daughter. She’s 8 and refuses to accept him as a new member of our family. How can I get her to see him as an authority figure? He wants to be a great step dad to her, but she is very resistant. What should I do?

You should give both of them a little space. I can feel the anxiety in your question, and if I can feel it, you can be sure that they both do as well. Be careful. You so desperately want a harmonious family that you run the risk of driving both of them away with your pressure.

For your daughter: Let her struggle. Let her be upset. She didn’t choose to become a child of divorce. She feels powerless in her life and she is most likely wondering about her role in this new family constellation. Don’t maneuver or posture her to force any feelings toward your new husband. It will take time and a healthy dose of understanding.

For your fiancé: He sounds like a great guy who I’ll bet will be patient with your daughter. Let him take his time as well. Don’t put him in a bad situation by expecting him to discipline your daughter. That’s your job. Now, when he’s alone with her, he can enforce your rules. But setting him up as a new father is setting him up to be an easy target. Any time he tries to act like her father, she will resist. His job is to be your husband – not her dad. Ironically, the more you both can remember this and give your daughter space, the closer she will voluntarily get to him.

All in all, take a deep breath and relax. She is going through a huge transition and shouldn’t be expected to always act with maturity. If you think about it, very few adults going through a divorce always act with maturity. Both you and your fiancé can love her no matter what she does. In doing so, you’ll be creating the type of harmonious family that you all really want.

Stay Cool,

Hal