| AskHal |
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Struggling with my 15-Year-Old (and His Father)As a mother of 2 sons, I am concerned for the direction in which our relationship is heading. My 20 yr old son seemed to have made it through the teen-age hormonal changes without a lot of difficulty. My 15 year old, however, has been a bit more of a challenge. I have always been an involved mother. Leading my sons through the Boy Scout program, actively involved in the school, from nursery school on up, and our church's youth program. Now, during high school, my involvement has been less in-school, more at home, asking if work is completed and keeping tabs via-online with teachers, etc. Every morning seems to be a struggle, when it comes to asking my son, do you have everything for school, would you like something to eat, could you pick-up your room, etc. I usually receive some sort of mumble, or smart disrespectful comment. If our morning is not going smooth or cooperation is not anywhere to be found, I have been known to raise my voice, or call his father at work. (that was probably mistake #1) after numerous times, and days of miserable mornings, a mother starts to feel worn out, un-appreciated, and hurt. My husband decided to take matters into his own hands. He surprised us all by asking his boss to change his work schedule. He now says he'll go in later, be home in the morning to see our son off to school. This may sound great, but where does this teach our son that he needs to respect his mothers requests. His father thinks he is doing us a favor, but I feel it is only making matters worse. When I try to request anything from my son, he usually responds in a quick, non-attentive way, just to get it out of the way. His father asks him, “did you say good-bye to your mother?" he tends to prompt him often with responses that he thinks will make me feel good. I feel this is training that is more like a puppet leader would do, not genuine, or heart-felt. This kind of response from a teen-ager whom you have tried to relate with, be there for every morning.etc. gives me a feeling of worthlessness. Should I step-back, be silent? any suggestions???
Hal here. Thanks so much for the heartfelt question. What I believe you're asking is a question so many of us struggle with:
What can I do to get my child to respect me?
You seem to be realizing that one of the key words in that question is the word "I". This is because you realize that having your husband telling your son to respect you is about as endearing as having your mom tell you to go befriend the ugly kid. You didn't even want to be around the ugly kid, but the fact that she would have to make you just reinforced his lack of confidence and self-respect. Which, of course, made him even uglier and less attractive to be around.
I'm not saying you're ugly, but I think you do realize that needing your child to respect you makes it impossible for him to do so. This is because your need for him to respect you makes you very unrespectable. There's no room for admiration of those that crave it.
And that's the position so many of us place ourselves in. We do for our kids, and we do some more for them, and we do even more for them, and they never seem to appreciate all of our efforts. We want to say, "Don't you know where you would be without me!?!? Don't you realize how much I do for you, and how much you should be grateful, you ingrateful, disrespectful little jerk?"
Which, of course, leads them to disrespect us even more.
The truth is that we simply cannot make anyone respect us. Period. The very effort to do so is what loses their respect, because we need it. What you've probably heard me say before is that "what kids need most are parents that don't need them." Letting go of our need for their respect is the very first step toward creating a more respectful relationship because we are releasing them from having to meet our emotional needs. Needs they are not equipped, nor called, to meet.
People will never respect us any more than we respect ourselves. And if our children see us bending over backwards "for" them, doing as much as you described you do "for" your son in the morning, then they will see that we don't have much self-respect at all. They will see that we still orbit our lives around them, needing them to do well, needing them to perform in order for us to feel good about ourselves as parents.
I cannot tell you what to do in this situation other than just think. Think about what type of relationships you would like to have with your son and husband, and think about how your lack of self-respect gets in the way. As you’ve so wonderfully described, you are now aware that your husband is now changing his schedule, not so much to increase his time with his son, but to make up for your lack of effectiveness!! And you’re right, this is making things worse. The key is now recognizing your part in it, how your weak need for your son’s approval and respect is actually leading you to receive neither.
Respect yourself enough to stop jumping through his immature hoops. Respect yourself enough to be far more concerned about how your day begins that about his (after all, it’s his morning, and his schooling, and his future, right?). Finally, respect yourself enough to never let your husband interfere when your son talks to you in a way that you hate. Simply stand up tall, chin up high, and calmly let your son know that you will not accept that from him. And then walk away.
And if your husband is now at home in the mornings, woo-hoo! Get up early and go for a walk. Go have breakfast with a friend. Sleep in!
And remember to take care, Hal |
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