AskHal

I have an 11 yr. old son who is (constantly) daily or several times weekly, getting reprimanded in school for the same behaviors, noises in class, up & down to sharpen pencil, talking, out of seat, breaking in line, Not doing assignments in class, etc. I am not finding an effective discipline to correct these reoccurring behaviors, His conduct is unnecessary. He also seems to conduct these rude behaviors on the bus and has had many problems on the bus!! Do you have any creative suggestions I must be overlooking, to possibly assist in correcting his behavior. We have taken away all things special and privileges from him. He might earn 1 back after a couple weeks to only resort to his previous behavior and then we do the cycle over! I would appreciate any advise you have.

Hal here. My question back to you may seem flippant, but I mean it most sincerely. You mentioned his "constant" behavior problems--when does he not misbehave? What does he do when he's not misbehaving; what do you do?

When a child gets into patterns of misbehavior, it becomes very easy to focus completely on that misbehavior, and neglect the times it doesn't occur. Bad behavior becomes a problem when it dominates the relationship--and that is where our maturity has to lead the way. We have to resolve that our 11-year-old's choices, harmful and unwise as they may be, are not going to ruin how we feel toward and interact with that child.

Focus on when the child doesn't misbehave. Observe everything that was different about that day, especially what's going on in your life and how you're responding that day.

Resist the urge to label your son by his bad behavior, even if it's the majority of the time. Call out when he does well, but in a nonchalant way that locates his choices on him. "You know what, sometimes you can really make good choices, son." And then walk away.

You may be amazed.

And remember to take care,

Hal