AskHal

Trying to figure out who started a fight with siblings is about as fruitful as trying to identify the first horse on a merry-go-round. It’s a no win situation and you end up with a headache. You end up feeling torn and indecisive, and too often, the subtle instigator ends up looking perfectly innocent while the more vocal of the two takes the brunt of the punishment.

I agree with you that their fighting should be addressed, but I have a feeling that you may be jumping in too early with your boys. I know this sounds crazy, but give them a bit more space and encourage them to work things out on their own. Sibling issues are often how we learn to cut our relational teeth as children and it sounds to me like they are biting you instead.

In our house, when things get past my comfort zone of allowing for normal sibling conflict, I’ll say, “What happens when you two fight?” My kids answer with a roll of their eyes, “We both get in trouble.” And they do. Because we teach our kids that it takes two people acting immaturely to start a fight, but only one acting maturely to end it. I’ll walk by their fight and just say, “Be the one.” And they usually rise to the challenge and work things out. Usually.

Hope this helps,

Hal Runkel