AskHal

Elena

Thanks for the question, Elena. Your concerns echo the concerns of a number of parents out there.

This is a developmental question, and these issues are always highlighted between K5 and 3rd grade or so, because these are viewed as such formative years socially.

What sounds hardest for you is struggling with the heartbreakof watching your daughter struggle to make friends. I believe this is the hardest struggle to watch my kids go through--taps into childhood pains that were all too familiar to me (amazing how easy it is to feel those pains again decades later, isn't it?). I can almost physically recall the hurt of having friends actually make fun of me in front of the cool kids. I remember feeling so terribly alone. And it pains me to know that my kids (who are now ages 9 and 6) have already felt that. And will feel it again and again.

Elena, it sounds like you are responding with calm connection, which is always best. And while I stronlgly emphasize focusing more on your behavior than the results you're getting, we do have to pay attention to those results.

You mentioned that "you don't seem to be getting through." First of all, stay the course. Be there with her, offering guidance as she makes immature mistakes. But also recognize that unsolicited advice is never welcomed, and it only communicates the opposite message, that I cannot handle watching you struggle so I need you follow my advice so I can feel better. And that's the most important point: if you begin to care about her friendships more than she does, then your anxiety will end up driving the boat--and she'll stay stuck in her immaturity.

The calmer you are, while still staying interested and connected, the more she'll begin to develop her own maturing interest in social connections.

As always, your demeanor is key.

Take care,

Hal