AskHal

Amy

Amy,

Just this past week I was delivering a seminar to a MOPS group (Mothers Of PreSchoolers) gathered at a local church. MOPS is a Christian organization designed to encourage and inspire mothers with young children. We have been blessed to speak to over 40 MOPS groups across the nation this past year; and we’ve found these moms to be among our most receptive and supportive audiences.

Well, during this presentation last week, I was approached by one participant with a question I hear quite often: “Hal, are you a Christian?” Her question was not unlike yours, Amy, and since I hear it quite often, I thought I’d take this chance to respond.

I’ll begin by giving the same response I gave to the curious mom last week:

Why do you want to know?

Whenever I am asked about my faith background, I know that there is an agenda behind the question. This doesn’t mean it’s a “bad” agenda, but I know the question does not arise out of pure, objective curiosity. There is no such thing when discussing religion. And if I do not know the person asking the question, I cannot truly know the agenda behind it.

The truth is that I do consider myself a disciple, a student-follower, of Jesus. I used to claim this in a much more explicit way, teaching and even preaching in formal church settings. I even have to my credit two Christian seminary degrees, completing six years of theological education before I started my training as a therapist. I used to teach in the Bible education department at a private Christian high school, the same school where my wife has taught English for the past five years, the same school my kids attend. The article in this week’s newsletter is actually a sermon I recently delivered to an evangelical church.

But with all of that stated, I hesitate to call myself a “Christian.” This has little to do with the actual term (it was one of the terms applied to the early church by itself and its enemies in the first century). And my hesitancy has little to do with any embarrassment about being associated with Jesus (but don’t quote me on that—he knows me better than I do). I think my objection has more to do with the limiting, and associative, powers of labels. Anyone who’s read ScreamFree Parenting knows of my strong objection to labeling our kids. Labels are inherently limiting because they necessarily do two things—control the person labeled by the person doing the labeling, and associate the person labeled with whoever else received the same label. And if I don’t know the person wanting to label me “Christian,” then I don’t know what box they would like to squeeze me into, nor who else they put in that box.

The truth is that the Christian world has been debating who’s in and who’s out from the very beginning. And, at times, this debate has turned to the worst kinds of bigoted violence, all in the name of Jesus. And I want no association with that. I also want no association with self-righteous paid religious broadcasting, or cult-like separatists burning Harry Potter books. Or the Baptist church in Kansas that was recently the focus of a new law barricading protestors from getting too close to funeral services. Turns out a group of “Christian” folks were taking a stand against homosexuality by marching on every funeral of an AIDS patient with signs like “God Hates Fags.”

There are many I would love to be associated with, and many of them do call themselves “Christian.” Bono, and his efforts to save Africa, certainly comes to mind. The folks at World Vision as well, for many of the same reasons. But I would never intentionally associate myself with such figures, for their efforts most definitely shame my own.

In your question, Amy, you make several strong assertions about what it means to be a Christian. And there are many, many reading this who would agree with you that a) being a Christian is fairly easy to see; and b) being a Christian means speaking very explicitly about “making disciples in every nation.”

What I learned about myself long ago, as I was training to become a therapist, is that my tendency towards self-righteous arrogance is my greatest weakness. Humility and compassion do not come naturally to me, and thus remain constant challenges for my growth (just ask my wife, my family, my business partners, my friends, etc.). And yet, I came to another conclusion—my “calling” is to speak, write, and counsel people toward making revolutionary changes in their lives.

I thus decided that I could not work in an explicitly “Christian” way—I simply did not trust myself to present myself in any way as speaking for God. I decided that I should try to work in an authentically godly way without using explicitly godly language.

Many people have criticized me for this, and I certainly understand that criticism. There are certainly thousands like you, Amy, who would find even more strength in the ScreamFree message if it were supported by explicit Scriptural references. As much as I strive to appeal to the general market, however, I have received criticism from the non-Christian audience as well, with reviewers lamenting any religious references that I actually do include. My guess is that I should only expect more criticism from both sides as our ScreamFree message gains an even larger audience.

And so I press on. I’m pretty sure this long-winded, convoluted reply to your question may have offered more confusion than clarity, and for that I apologize. But I leave you with my best effort to explain my approach, which comes from a section of my book entitled, “How to Read This Book”:

Finally, let me offer a brief word about my spiritual background, and thus, the spiritual background of this material. I consider myself firmly entrenched in the Judeo-Christian tradition, and I believe that the ScreamFree message is ultimately God’s message. I believe God is the original ScreamFree Parent to us all, and his way of relating with himself and with others is the model I teach and try to live. These ScreamFree principles are biblical principles, both from the Hebrew Bible and the Christian New Testament. With all that stated, this is not meant to be an explicitly Judeo-Christian book. You do not have to convert to any religious tradition in order to live as a ScreamFree Parent. You will see in Chapter Eleven, however, that I do believe developing your own spiritual relationship with God is the best way to love yourself and your family. But again, I want you to take whatever from this book that inspires you to revolutionize your relationships, and discard the rest. You do not need to believe all that I believe, spiritual or otherwise, in order to have great relationships with your kids.

All you have to do, you will see, is learn to keep your cool.