AskHal

A very frustrated mother

Dear Frustrated Mother,

What you've described is a very common, and very aggravating, situation for single parents, particularly those with primary custody. You work so hard to build a strong relationship with you child, realizing the profound influence that relationship can have. Yet your child, in this case, your daughter, has another profoundly influential relationship, one you cannot control.

Your problem, as you've stated it here, is not with your daughter. While there are relationship issues with her you can address (see below), it is dangerous to focus more on her childish acting out than her father's. His treatment of her, as you've described, is unacceptable and deplorable.

That she's taking it out on you is very common, and here's why: you're an easy target. She spends more time with you, and you are the most readily available relationship to try and work out all her anger and anxiety. That is unavoidably part of the burden of being the custodial parent.

One of the worst casualties of parents splitting up is the one-to-one communication between them. The child, all too often, gets triangled in between the two. Sometimes this seems as innocent as "can you take this message to your mom;" sometimes it is the more obviously damaging name-calls and loyalty-requests.

Becoming aware of how you have all become involved in a triangled relationship is the first step out of it. You are not powerless in your situation, but your power is misdirected whenever you try to change your daughter's behavior. What is most effective is concentrating only on your part, on what you can do differently.

Here's what you CAN do:

Address your co-parent directly about your dislike of his behavior Don't tell him what to do, just tell him you don't like what he's doing and you just wanted him to know that. I know this is difficult because you probably never even talk to him any more. That time is no more. Resolve to never again communicate in any way to him through her.

Address your daughter directly about how you are willing to be treated. Again, this is not telling her what or what not to do, this is simply letting her know of your own level of self-respect. One thing I stress is whenever you make this sort of declaration, don't linger around to get your child's response. This is not about getting a changed response out of her, this is creating a different level of self-respect within you.

Apologize to both your daughter and your ex for whatever ways you have participated in the triangle. You may have talked badly about her dad, you may have sent messages through her, you may have simply stopped talking to him, thereby forcing the gobetween. Look at yourself very closely and own up to all the ways you have helped create the situation. I know this is incredibly difficult, especially when you believe your "sins" here are much less damaging than his or even your daughter's.

But creating new patterns of relationship always involves taking our gaze (and blame) off others and focusing on ourselves. By learning to own up to our parts of the pattern, and then learning to exhibit new levels of self-respect, we necessarily change the way people relate with us.

It is difficult, but it is possible. Involving a relationship coach or therapist would help tremendously.

And remember to take care,

Hal