AskHal

Dear Hal,

I’m not sure what to do. I have a 16 year old stepson who just failed the 9th grade. His dad tends to lecture him daily, but I’m not sure it’s working. We also have 2 young daughters and I do not want to make the same mistakes with them. Can you help?

Julie K.

Hi Julie, It sounds to me like you're dealing with a number of issues here: step parenting, teenagers, different parenting philosophies between spouses - just to mention a few. While this might seem overwhelming, I ask you to just hang on. There’s very good news coming your way.

The best thing you can do for everyone involved in this touchy situation is to make sure that you take care of you. I know that it sounds simplistic and maybe even a little selfish, but hear me out. If you spend the majority of your time trying to sort out everyone else's problems, you end up neglecting the only person in your home that you can actually control - you. The more time you spend in their business (checking up on your stepson or lecturing your husband about lecturing), the less energy you will have to spend in your own business. So, with your stepson, just love him unconditionally. Let him know that you believe in him and extend him the respect for his schoolwork that you'd like to see him take. It is, after all, HIS work. If you can focus on your business in this matter, you just might find that you’ve been doing something (with good intentions, of course) that is actually making things worse for him. If you can take a look at your part in the pattern of what's going on and focus on changing that for the better, you will be absolutely stunned by what follows.

You need to keep telling yourself that sometimes when our kids struggle in school the best thing we can do is to let them fail. I can hear parents all across the nation gasping in disbelief right now, but I have seen it too many times to doubt its truth. By allowing kids to walk through the consequences of their choices, we actually send them the message that we believe that they can dig themselves out. It gives them the respect they deserve. The other option is to bail them out, which – you guessed it – sends the opposite message. It feels good for us in the short term, but it weakens their growth in the end.

As for your daughters, they are watching everything that is going on. More good news. This is a wonderful chance to show them about unconditional love – the complete absence of the words “I told you so” in a relationship. By walking beside your stepson through this, you are showing everyone that you are not responsible FOR your children. But you are responsible TO them for how you conduct yourself and the ways in which you structure your home. Do what you can to give all of your kids the tools they need to succeed in school, but let go of your need for them to do so.

Hope this helps in some small way. Always remember to take care,

Hal Runkel