AskHal

Dear Hal,

We need your help! We don't know what to do with our 2 and 1/2 year old son who will not stay in bed at night. We have taken away his favorite toys, and even tried spanking him. Should we just go to bed and ignore him? Please help!

Tired in Michigan

Hi Tired –

Jenny here. I so remember this age with my kids and I feel your pain. Bed issues are always difficult because everyone involved is so exhausted – which makes thinking clearly and staying calm (i.e. being ScreamFree) really really tough. Many kids who slept just fine in their cribs move into a toddler bed and suddenly all bets are off. They find tremendous power when they can get out of bed on their own and open that door.

Here’s what I would do. Sit down with your husband and decide to support each other in staying calm no matter what happens as you help your little guy learn to go to sleep on his own. Approach bedtime with a plan in place and an open mind as to how your son will handle it. Remember, kids feed off of your anxiety level. If you are tight and tense, just waiting for him to throw a fit, you are only increasing the likelihood of that actually happening. Then, establish a calming, comforting bedtime routine. Bedtime snack, warm bath, books in bed – you get the picture.

Do that routine and as matter of factly as you can, tell him that you expect him to stay in his bed all night because he is a big boy and that’s what big boys do. Kiss him goodnight and leave the room. If he cries for you or calls out, let him. He’s fine. He’s just testing you to see if you mean what you say. Don’t engage at this point. Remind yourself that you are doing what is best for him – there is nothing he really needs except to know that he can fall asleep on his own, in his own room. If he leaves the room, and finds you, simply walk him back to his room saying, “It’s bedtime honey.” Again, don’t react with any sort of conversation or body language (sighs, eye rolls). Keep it all short and sweet.

One little side note: walking him back to his room may involve you doing the walking and carrying your little guy.

Every time he comes out, you do the exact same thing. You calmly bring him back to bed. The first two times, speak lovingly, “Bedtime, honey”. After two times, you can either repeat that or simply walk him back. You become a broken record. A calm, secure, loving broken record. It might be an exhausting night for all of you, but he will soon learn that getting out of his bed is only going to land him back in it. Be sure to keep your cool as you do this and remember not to get into dialogue or side issues. That’s what he’s trying to do and you can’t give in to him.

If you are consistent in doing this, you should see a dramatic improvement. It might take a while, but what’s the alternative? This is going to have to happen sooner or later and trust me, the sooner - the better. If you don’t establish this kind of calm authority when it comes to bedtime, you’ll spend a lot more time with a toddler in your bed, which we firmly believe isn’t good for any of you. He’s going to be just fine in no time and before you know it, this will all be a distant memory. Let us know how things go. Here’s hoping that you all catch a few more zzzzzzzs.

Take care,

Jenny Runkel

ScreamFree Living