AskHal

It's Jenny here on behalf of the ScreamFree team. I felt called to answer your question because Hal is out of town! Hat's off to you for your honesty and desire to improve. That alone means you are well on your way to becoming ScreamFree.

When your spouse is traveling, you essentially become a single parent. You have to take care of the discipline and the nurturing, the business side of parenting and the fun side. It's a heavy load to carry, ask any of your single parent friends. There's actually quite a bit of wisdom they can teach us all. In fact, Hal wrote a great article about this very issue. Click here to read about the art of single parenting.

Back to your question. First of all, "losing it" is going to happen to all of us. ScreamFree Parenting isn't a magic salve that will make you perfect. Have a little grace with yourself and take a deep breath. When it does happen (hopefully less and less), take a step toward repairing your relationships and admit that you were wrong. Many parents feel like apologizing to their kids makes them look weak and takes away some of their authority. Things couldn't be farther from the truth. If you blow it with your kids, take a huge deep breath, hold it for a good long while, and let it go. Then walk right up to your son and tell him that you're sorry for yelling. Something like this would work, "Hey buddy. I'm really sorry that I just yelled at you. No matter what you do, I should be able to stay calm and be the grown up." No need to grovel or beg for forgiveness, just let him know that you expect better from yourself. We expect our kids to be remorseful when they screw up, why shouldn't we model that for them?

Now, as to how to prevent this from happening in the first place, that's the real question. Too often, we neglect ourselves for the sake of the family and that can wear on our patience before we even need it. The heat of the moment is actually much more than meets the eye. Sometimes, that moment just provides an excuse to vent some pent up resentment or anger. Perhaps trying a couple of these ideas would help:

1. Hire a babysitter at least once a week. Grab a movie or do some shopping (for you!).

2. Find a hobby, sport, or activity that you love to do. Mine has become tennis. The court is the one place where I am totally free from responsibility. It is a nonnegotiable must for me, especially when Hal is out of town.

3. Put the kids to bed early. You desperately need that time to decompress and unwind.

Certainly, these tips won't prevent those stressful moments when you're tempted to throttle your precious little ones. Hopefully, they will put you in a better frame of mind to be creative and collected when handling them. When you find yourself about to lose your cool, try this: Pretend that you are watching the scene unfold on the movie screen. Ask yourself this question, "How would I like my character to respond? What would she do in this situation that I would cheer for?" Don't let the heat of the moment rush you. If you don't know exactly how you want to respond, tell your kids that. "Hey guys, Mom needs a minute to think about how I want to address this." Step away and craft a plan of action, then go to work.

I know there are times when you feel like you can't keep your cool. Those are the moments that count the most. Pause, breathe, and remember that relationship is more important than results.

Jenny