AskHal

I am really struggling with my teenaged son. Whenever I try to tell him that I went through adolescence too, his response is always the same, "You don't know what it's like." It is so frustrating because I actually do have some wisdom to offer from the other side. It seems like he thinks I was born old! How can I get him to see that I do know what it's like?

You can't. Sometimes, the harder you try to extol wisdom through experience, the more out of touch you seem to your teen. Remember how you gained that experience in the first place? Through making your own mistakes. It's a hard pill to swallow, but in this instance, your teen is right. You can't know what life is like for him. Even though we'd like to live as Atticus Finch (in To Kill a Mockingbird), none of us can really "walk a mile in another man's shoes". The only true perspective that we have is our own.

Realizing that your son or daughter is going through life with a unique set of memories and experiences will help you connect with them in a very real way. The next time your teen throws this curveball at you, don't throw it back. Catch it. Tell him, "You know what, you're right." Watch the anger dissolve in his face as he tries to process your new approach. Then ask him to tell you more, and genuinely listen to his response. Those three words, "tell me more" will go a long way in building the relationship you really want with your teen.

Stay Cool,

Hal