AskHal

Hi Hal,

I need some help with my son who is two. He has started having MAJOR temper tantrums, saying "NO!" to everything we ask him to do, hitting me and others, and even laughing at us when we punish him. I am about to have a major meltdown. I can't seem to control him at all! But that's not even the worst part...

He's running me ragged all day and then when my husband comes home, he's after me for some "us" time. This is all affecting our marriage and our relationship. I don't want my son to have control over my life-over our marriage - but I want him to learn to be independent. HELP! I'm losing control of everything! How can I deal with his tantrums and still keep my cool??????

I'm thrilled about your post, actually. Not that I rejoice in your suffering, but I'm thrilled that you are asking all the right questions. It seems that your primary concern is about yourself, which is the whole key to becoming ScreamFree.

So, before I address your son, let's think about you. I'm guessing that as your son becomes more problematic, you tend to sacrifice yourself and your time and your interests in order to focus on him. (That's what we all tend to do). But that usually just makes things worse. When it feels like our children are demanding us to orbit our lives around them, that's exactly when to resist that demand and focus on ourselves. The only way you can hold onto yourself here is to figure out whatever you need in order to remain calm and connected at the same time. If that means time away from your son and husband, take it. If that means asking for help from others, ask for it. What your son needs is for you to not need him to all of a sudden stop being two. When you're OK with yourself, even as he's throwing a terrible tantrum, then you'll be able to affect the situation in a calm and connected way.

Now, about your son. I take it that this is your first run through the "terrible twos", which can indeed be among the most trying times in any family. What your son is going through is his first attempt to "launch" from you. The whole point of his existence is to eventually launch from your nest and begin his own life, and around two he is beginning to grow some feathers on his wings. That's what's behind his tantrums and NOs; he is testing you and himself to see how he can see himself as separate from you, as a separate human being with his own will and decision-making ability.

That's why it is so important to begin granting him some more space. You can be the architect behind his launching, and that can begin now by giving him clear choices and clear consequences for those choices.

You are being majorly tested here, as I know you know. But the test is not to see if you can get your son under control, it's to see if, in the midst of this chaos, whether you can get yourself under control.

I know this post cannot fully answer your questions, and that may leave you more frustrated than ever. But know this, you are in the midst of a tremendous growth opportunity, and by asking these questions you are already beginning to take advantage of it. It sounds to me (and I'm the so-called expert!) that you are already beginning to grow through this.

Take care, Hal