AskHal

I am a whole-hearted subscriber to the ScreamFree style of parenting. I've read your book. I've listened to you on the radio. I've seen you on TV. I have been to your seminars several times. But I need help. I am the mother of two adorable twin baby girls. My problem is, I can't stop myself from saying the word "We" in referring to them. "What are we going to wear today?" "We didn't eat very well at dinner tonight." "We look so pretty in our new dress." "We're fussy because we're teething." AHHH! The words are already out of my mouth before I realize how silly they are. Is it just programming that somehow mothers (and probably fathers) get sucked into the world of we? Will my apparent addiction to the "royal we" ever stop? Thanks.

Thank you so much for your affection for our message. And for your careful attention to it! I love your question because it picks up on a subtle use of language that actually contains the seeds of all the problems we all face as parents. Using "we" as a reference to our kids is reflective that not only do we see our kids as reflections on ourselves; we see them as extensions of ourselves. Now this is somewhat understandable for a relatively new mother like yourself. I mean, not too long ago, those twins of yours actually were physical extensions of your own body. My wife Jenny wrote an article a few weeks ago, however, which showcased this problem as not just one exhibited by new parents like yourself, but by parents of seniors in high school! These moms were speaking about their kids' grades as if they too were receiving the "A"s. (Unfortunately, as my wife can attest, some of these parents could actually deserve those "A"s more than their kids, considering how much homework they did for them.

But again, I love your question because you are aware of the power of your language. What I believe is that what we say about our kids is more powerful than even what we say to them. And if we talk about our kids as extensions of ourselves, then we cannot help but acting and parenting as if they really do not have any separation from us at all. They are here to reflect well on us, validate us as productive human beings, and honor us with their obedience, performance, and success. And somewhere we actually believe we deserve all of that in return for all the sacrifices we make on their behalf.

All that is to say is that your level of self-awareness, at such an early stage in your parenting journey, is the exact recipe you'll need to follow to break the pattern. Use that awareness to ask yourself some tough questions: Do I use my babies as a vehicle to get attention, pity, ego strokes, an excuse from the rest of life, etc.?, for instance. Or, How do I feel about myself when my children don't cooperate? How about this one-Who is going to most object when I begin to see my kids as separate human beings, with not only minds of their own, but lives of their own? Your parents, your spouse, your friends, your fellow mothers, your kids, yourself?

Here are some truths to help you break from the "royal We." Your kids do not belong exclusively to you, and you are not the only one charged with raising them. When you say "we," are you including your husband in that pronoun? How does he feel about that, either way? If he's excluded, how does he feel about losing his wife to the absorbing collective of estrogen in his home? If he's included in the "we," how does he feel about being lumped into that collective, with no individuality of his own?

Here's another truth: You are not responsible for your kids and the choices they make; you are, however, responsible to them for the choices you make. I know you've heard me say that before. But you are staring down a tremendous challenge to that truth whenever you're tempted to say "We." Every time you say "We" you are denying that truth and ultimately losing your own individuality. And you are compromising theirs as well. Soon personal preferences and desires will be compromised in order to keep the "We" in harmony. Soon you will feel a tremendous sense of anxiety about "getting your kids to behave," all the while allowing them to get you to behave according to their very immature whims.

As the mother of twins, it is paramount for you to start a new theme in your home-family is a collection of prized, unique individuals with a clear authority hierarchy and clear lines of differentiation between everyone. This doesn't compromise togetherness; it makes togetherness that much more special because it is a chosen, rather than assumed, experience. And that can be magical.

At least that's how "we" feel in our home.

And remember to take care,

Hal