by Hal E. Runkel, LMFT
Founder and President, ScreamFree Living, Inc.

While celebrating the prettiest Christmas lights of all (relatives’ taillights as they travel back home), it’s now time to move on to what I believe is truly “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year”: New Year’s. We at ScreamFree are especially fond of January because it is the one time that our culture says it’s OK to focus on yourself. This one month it’s OK to reflect on your life and “resolve” to make the changes you’ve always craved.

Well, instead of delivering some redundant encouragement for you to boldly put forth your designs for a new you (you can find that on every magazine rack), I’m going to offer you a glimpse into the world of Hal. Forgive me for this act of self-indulgence, but if you dare, I offer you my own New Year’s Resolutions for 2006.

I, Hal Edward Runkel, resolve to:

• Never again combine champagne, karaoke, and Frank Sinatra. May God forgive me for three nights ago.

• Read, read, read. Whenever I’m not reading, then the only thoughts I hear myself saying are my own. That leaves little room in my head for disagreement, discussion, and growth. And that’s not good for anybody.

• Strive to make myself more interested than interesting. For too long I’ve concentrated on presenting myself as interesting, thinking that in order to be influential and effective, I had to be unique, entertaining, even charming. But you know what endears you to people, you know what makes you the type of person other people want to be around, listen to, even follow? Being interested in them.

• Watch my language about my children. Just the other day I had a conversation with one of my child’s teachers, who spoke glowingly about her “potential.” A long time ago, back in graduate school, I was told by more than one person that I had the potential to be a great writer. That can be a comforting word, potential. It means that I can rest assured that I’ve got what it takes to turn it on someday and write words, articles, even books that can have an effect on the world. I can relax, because I’ve got a brilliant future, full of potential. Which means, of course, that I don’t have to do anything about it now—if my future’s secure, then I don’t have to act in the present. My “potential” will take care of itself.

But that’s when the word can become a millstone around your neck.

In this section of our newsletter, we have Hal answer a direct question asked by one of our ScreamFree Parents. Today's question echoes many of the questions we receive every day: How does a parent deal with behavior problems at school?

Dear Hal,
My daughter, 7, has been getting in trouble in school. Either being too aggressive with the other children, or taking and hiding things from other children. When she is confronted by the teacher or assistant principal, she denies it (even though it is quite obvious that she had done the offense). I cannot use the strategy that this is her business and she will receive the natural consequences, because the school calls me to handle it. I talk to my daughter but it is in one ear and out the next. Otherwise, academically she is doing great. I try to tell her that getting 100s is not everything; you must behave. She is bigger than most of the girls in her class, and I want to prevent her from turning into a bully.
Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned Mom,
You probably wouldn't be surprised by the large number of questions I receive about school behavior. Whether it's complicated by coinciding academic struggles, or it's all the more confusing, as in your case, because there are no academic troubles, kids' misbehavior at schools can take all forms and confuse all stereotypes. There simply is no simple formula to explain or confront it.

But there is one process that always complicates it. It's called The Triangle. The Triangle is how most human relationships function. Since one-to-one relationships are inherently full of anxiety (whereby people have to actually confront one another), most find a third party to help find security and balance. A husband and wife don't confront one another about their dying marriage, for example, they simply focus more and more on their struggling kid.

In your case, the triangle is between you, your daughter, and her school. The school is upset about your daughter's behavior, so they contact you. You are upset about her behavior as well, and you're frustrated with the way the school handles it. Both of you have tried confronting your daughter about it, but she exercises some simple defense mechanisms (ignoring you, denial to the school), and you're both left looking at each other again.

This is a classic triangle that occurs all the time, with the student/child at the center of it all. The only way out of the triangle is to correct just that. The child is not the issue. Your daughter is not the issue. The issue is your anxiety about her behavior. The issue is the school's anxiety about not knowing how to make your daughter conform, and your apparent inability as well. What's fascinating is that all of you are dreading your daughter becoming a bully, and yet you're all creating her to be one by letting her bully you around!

Confronting our own anxiety is always, always the way out of the triangle. So since you cannot fix the school's anxiety (that's their problem), and you cannot fix your daughter's behavior (that's her problem), you must turn to focus on yourself. What makes you afraid of truly confronting your daughter. Not just "talking to her," but confronting her in a way that lets her know her place. Like, "I don't care if you get 100s; what I care about is how you treat others. And you will not bully other kids--ever. I don't know what the school's going to do, and I don't know what you're going to do about it, but here's what I'm going to do--I'm going to (pick a consequence here, any consequence). I don't care if you don't care about (losing privileges, spending the day in her room, whatever consequence you choose), I'm still going to do it."

Your fear about her becoming a bully has led you to treat her as if she already were one. Confront your fear first, reminding yourself that she's simply a little kid trying to figure out her way in the world, and you're an adult called to lead her out into the world. Then confront her about how you're going to respond to her from now on. And then confront the school about what you believe is, and is not, their responsibility.

But it all begins with confronting yourself. I promise the way out of the triangle will become clearer every time you do.

And remember to take care,
Hal

Do you have a Parenting question for Hal, the author and creator of ScreamFree Parenting? Contact Us Directly. We will answer a limited number of questions in upcoming newsletters.

Please note that we also cannot respond to all questions and can not always evaluate your specific challenge. If you want further feedback on your individual situation, we encourage you to explore Relationship Coaching with Hal or any of our team members. You can get a f!ree 20 minute evaluation of your situation to determine if coaching is right for you by contacting us here.

You can also share your questions or parenting issues in the ScreamFree Parenting Forum. Here you can interact with other parents on the ScreamFree Journey and share your questions and successes. Visit the ScreamFree Parenting Forum today and discuss parenting issues with parents all over the country.