by Hal E. Runkel, LMFT
Founder, President
ScreamFree Living, Inc.

It’s Oscar time, so get ready to hear all about all the movies you “must” see in order to be in the know, on top of things, and popular at the water cooler. I’m always wondering who the heck has time to take in the “25 Movies You Must See Before the Oscars”? Believe me, I preach the need for couples to have regular date nights, but creating the time and babysitting and money to see 25 movies over the next two months just ain’t happening. I guess I could skip working out at the gym, but then I’d end up looking like George Clooney in “Syriana.”

Which is one movie that I have seen. And whole-heartedly recommend. The other is Steven Spielberg’s “Munich.” While certainly not the feel-good fare you may seek out on your date nights, both of these films have ways of shaking up, or maybe waking up, the integrity within all of us. The integrity that tells us something’s wrong with the world.

Forgive me for this brief two-week foray into the world of geopolitics; If you are a regular newsletter subscriber, you're probably used to my articles being explicitly about parenting and family relationships. But the principles of ScreamFree apply to all relationships, not just those within the home. And that means we at home can learn a lot by observing other relationship patterns, even those between tribes, factions, and governments thousands of miles away.

Both “Syriana” and “Munich” take the Middle East, and its relationship with the world, as the central crisis of our time. “Munich” portrays Israel’s retaliatory assassinations against the suspected terrorists in the wake of 11 Israeli athletes being murdered by a Palestinian terrorist group at the 1972 Olympics. “Syriana” is a purely fictional examination of the sickeningly intricate web of relationships surrounding the world’s demand for, and the Middle East’s supply of, oil.

Growing up, I used to think that the Middle East strife was too remote and too removed to deserve all the attention it does. Now I know it helps to remember this: The most emotionally reactive (and thus, least ScreamFree) political region in the world is also the central location of 1) the largest depository of the fuel that literally fires our world, and 2) the geographic beginning, and thus, home, of the world’s three largest religions, representing over half the world’s population.

And for those of us working hard to create the families we’ve always craved—the families the world needs, these films offer two haunting lessons: 1) reactive dependency turns us all upside down; and 2) reactive reciprocity leaves us all dead.

1. Reactive dependency turns us all upside down.
Most of you familiar with ScreamFree Parenting have heard me preach that our families get so upside down whenever we focus all our energy and attention on our kids. We begin to orbit our whole lives around them, thinking that such attention to them and their needs is what they need to be made right. To be made whole.

So we end up depending on our kids to make us and the whole family happy.

In this section of our newsletter, we have Hal answer a direct question asked by one of our ScreamFree Parents. Today's question addresses a situation close to Hal's (and everyone's around here) heart: a family facing a fight with cancer.

Dear Hal,

We recently received the news that our six-year-old nephew has a rare brainstem tumor. The outlook is not good, as they have not had any survivors of this type of brain tumor. (Diffuse intrinsic pontine glioma).

How do you prepare young children (10, 7 and 3 years old) for what the family will go through with his treatment, and how do we prepare them for the possibility, (although we are hoping and praying for a miracle) for his death?

Thanks,
Christi

As we shared in last week's newsletter, my family has just come through a year of cancer treatment for my wife. And while I cannot speak for my wife and her grueling physical experience, she might agree that the emotional strain on the family, particularly about the unknown, was the hardest part to endure.

"What if" questions are difficult enough to face as adults, but they can be even more terrifying to our children. This is because they are so desperately looking for us to provide a base strength of support and stability--in a world so much bigger than they are, they look to us for that sense of "everything's going to be all right."

But sometimes, we cannot make that claim. Sometimes we cannot look our children in the eye and promise them that everything will be okay. Sometimes, life's not okay.

And that sounds like what you and your family are facing now. I am so sorry to hear about your nephew. Terminal or not, what he and you all are facing now is just wrong. Children should not have to suffer through debilitating illness; parents should not ever be healthier than their kids. I've said before that I may now know what it's like to have a wife with cancer, but I still have no idea what it must be like to have a child with it. I pray God's blessings of healing, comfort, and peace.

And as the Aunt in this situation, I believe you are in a unique position to be a vessel of that healing, comfort, and peace. As an aunt, you are connected, but one step removed. That affords you the distance to help without feeling responsible for everything. It affords you the perspective to lead with your calm.

And that's your calling here--find your calm and lead with it. This is the calm that can listen to your sibling (or in-law) as they grieve, vacillate between hope and despair, and question everything and everyone. This is the calm that can hear the fear behind your own kids' questions, and respond with an integrity that neither discounts their fear nor hides your own, but rather faces the reality that none of us stands totally secure from the dangers of the world. And yet your calm translates into a strength to continue on in the face of that insecurity.

We get into trouble whenever we try to hide bad news or emotions from our kids, the kind of bad news or emotions that show on our faces despite whatever words we speak. We also get into trouble when we don't face our own emotions with a peer, someone a little further removed from the situation. Just as you can be that person for your family, you need that kind of person for yourself. Otherwise we begin to look to our kids for emotional support, and end up getting reactive when they simply cannot appreciate or respect our needs.

Your questions here centered on how best to prepare your three children for the journey ahead. The answer is simple: prepare yourself first. Focus on your own difficult journey here so that you can discover your own sense of calm, even "in the midst of the storm." Finding your own calm is your number one priority, because looking to you for guidance will be theirs.

So remember to take care,
Hal

Do you have a Parenting question for Hal, the author and creator of ScreamFree Parenting? Contact Us Directly. We will answer a limited number of questions in upcoming newsletters.

Please note that we also cannot respond to all questions and can not always evaluate your specific challenge. If you want further feedback on your individual situation, we encourage you to explore Relationship Coaching with Hal or any of our team members. You can get a f!ree 20 minute evaluation of your situation to determine if coaching is right for you by contacting us here.

You can also share your questions or parenting issues in the ScreamFree Parenting Forum. Here you can interact with other parents on the ScreamFree Journey and share your questions and successes. Visit the ScreamFree Parenting Forum today and discuss parenting issues with parents all over the country.