by Hal E. Runkel, LMFT
Founder, President
ScreamFree Living, Inc.

I used to believe that marriage would diminish me, reduce my options. That you had to be someone less to live with someone else when, of course, you have to be someone more.
--Candice Bergen, American Actress (1946 - )

As we travel around the country, inspiring parents to calm down and grow up, I always hear one wish: “I can’t wait to see ScreamFree Marriage!” Now, I've been working with couples for years, and I've started presenting the ScreamFree Marriage seminar, but these parents haven't seen it yet; and they naturally want more. I like to think this is because after hearing the amazing power and wisdom of ScreamFree Parenting (and awestruck by the engaging, dashing speaker), people naturally want to expand that vision; they can’t help but want to revolutionize their marriages with the same relationship principles. More likely, however, the wish has something to do with the fact that in the back of the book we included an ad for upcoming books. And ScreamFree Marriage, according to the ad, was targeted to be released February 2006. Yep, last month. And so now, I'm the one wishing, “I can’t wait to see ScreamFree Marriage!”

I’m actually hoping that the book will drop down from heaven someday soon, complete as a Word document ready for a publisher. That way I don’t actually have to go through the process of writing it. I won’t bore you with the standard writer’s saga of how difficult it is to write the second book, or how challenging it is to carve out the emotional time and energy needed to bleed out one’s thoughts into sentences, paragraphs, and chapters.

But writing, like marriage is incredibly difficult. And, like marriage, it is supposed to be. Writing is not an activity that’s supposed to come easily, or always flow freely. It’s not like riding a bike, where you can always pick it right back up, regardless of the time away. No writing is different—each time you truly begin again. You may have knowledge of accomplishments in the past, you may cherish memories of when it did seem to flow, and it seemed so natural and effortless. But living in those memories, trying to rekindle those early flames, only serves to distract and discourage you away from the present challenge at hand. But if you can say “yes” to the challenging moment, hang on to yourself even as you feel stretched to the limit, the process always leaves you changed for the better.

Wait—are we talking about writing, or marriage?

ScreamFree Marriage is coming, albeit slower than many would prefer. But don’t be too eager to see it, because it’s not necessarily going to be the “feel-good book of the year.” This is because it starts with one premise: You marriage is supposed to be this difficult. The marriage you are in right now, right this minute, is the marriage you’re supposed to be in, right this minute. That’s not saying you have to stay in that marriage, but it is saying that you helped co-create the marriage you’re in, like it or not. You have been an active participant every step of the way, and while you may initially object to that fact, it is awfully good news. It’s good news because if you helped co-create it, then you can actually do something about it now. And if you want to do something about it, then you must begin at the same place ScreamFree Parenting began:

The greatest thing you can do for your marriage is learn to focus on yourself.

In this section of our newsletter, we have Hal answer a direct question asked by one of our ScreamFree Parents. Today's question addresses one of the many issues our kids face in the tough world of peer relationships.

Dear Hal,
My daughter is in the first grade and has a hard time with her friends. The girls tend not to want to bother with her and it's because my daughter still acts a little immature compared to her friends. She sometimes pushes, or pokes them. She is not a bully but I can see she is annoying the other children. She has always been around other children in playgroups and other activities but her social skills are still lacking. I try to explain that if she doesn't play nice then her friends won't play with her. But I can't get through to her. I worry that by the time she matures, the children won't give her a chance. Any suggestions?
Elena

Thanks for the question, Elena. Your concerns echo the concerns of a number of parents out there.

This is a developmental question, and these issues are always highlighted between K5 and 3rd grade or so, because these are viewed as such formative years socially.

What sounds hardest for you is struggling with the heartbreak of watching your daughter struggle to make friends. I believe this is the hardest struggle to watch my own kids go through-- it taps into childhood pains that were all too familiar to me (amazing how easy it is to feel those pains again decades later, isn't it?). I can almost physically recall the hurt of having friends actually make fun of me in front of the cool kids. I remember feeling so terribly alone. And it pains me to know that my kids (who are now ages 9 and 6) have already felt that. And will feel it again and again.

Elena, it sounds like you are responding with calm connection, which is always best. And while I strongly emphasize focusing more on your behavior than the results you're getting, we do have to pay attention to those results.

You mentioned that "you don't seem to be getting through." First of all, stay the course. Be there with her, offering guidance as she makes immature mistakes. But also recognize that unsolicited advice is never welcomed, and it only communicates the opposite message, that I cannot handle watching you struggle so I need you follow my advice so I can feel better. And that's the most important point: if you begin to care about her friendships more than she does, then your anxiety will end up driving the boat--and she'll stay stuck in her immaturity.

The calmer you are, while still staying interested and connected, the more she'll begin to develop her own maturing interest in social connections.

As always, your demeanor is key.

Take care,
Hal

Do you have a Parenting question for Hal, the author and creator of ScreamFree Parenting? Contact Us Directly. We will answer a limited number of questions in upcoming newsletters.

Please note that we also cannot respond to all questions and can not always evaluate your specific challenge. If you want further feedback on your individual situation, we encourage you to explore Relationship Coaching with Hal or any of our team members.

You can also share your questions or parenting issues in the ScreamFree Parenting Forum. Here you can interact with other parents on the ScreamFree Journey and share your questions and successes. Visit the ScreamFree Parenting Forum today and discuss parenting issues with parents all over the country. We post many AskHal questions in the forum, and they make for interesting and engaging forum topics.