By Hal E. Runkel, LMFT

Undoubtedly, many of us heard this exact question on some past Mothers’ Day: “It’s no fair Mommy gets a day; why don’t we get a kids’ day?” And undoubtedly, many of us came back with this exact reply: “Every day is kids’ day!”

I remember having that same interchange with my parents when I was a kid. Seems almost universal and timeless—kids don’t think mothers and fathers should get their own day, and mothers and fathers think kids should be more grateful that every day is all about the kids.

Well, both are wrong. I believe every day is Mothers’ Day. And every day is kids’ day.

This is because every day belongs to us, and it is up to each of us to spend it as we see fit. Whenever we exclaim that “every day is kids’ day,” we are explaining our own frustration with parenting—it seems that we have to put our own lives on hold in order to live only for our kids’ benefit. It makes perfect sense, therefore, to have one day a year where the kids take a turn living for Mom or Dad. We deserve it for all the sacrifices we make the other 364 days a year, right?

Whenever I start to feel that way, I have to ask myself some serious questions. Is that what I’m doing—sacrificing my life for the sake of my kids? Is that why I’m doing this sacrificing—to have my kids finally make me feel appreciated and respected?

Usually in this section of our newsletter, we have Hal answer a direct question asked by one of our ScreamFree Parents. Today we present the second part of a lengthy interview with Hal.

Hal, last time we talked about the most difficult aspects of parenting. Which situations tend to push parents to react the way they do? The number one complaint of so many parents is “they just won’t listen to me!” And my response is always the same. Yes, they do. They hear every word you say. It’s not that they aren’t listening; it’s that they aren’t obeying. We simply do not know what to do when our children choose to disobey us, or deliberately ignore us, or make a ridiculous choice that we know will backfire. And it drives us nuts.

How much privacy should a child have a right to? This is a great question, and there is no “right” answer. What is most important is asking the question, because that begins to spur the type of thinking that creates healthy space. Just asking the question begins to stir within us the idea that our child is a different human being, a separate person, with thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are simply not our own. I talk at length about creating space for our children, space for them to discover themselves and become self-directed. Beginning to create and then respect their privacy is a critical step.

What is the hardest part about extending more and more space to a child? The hardest part about creating space for our child is simple: we don’t know what they’re going to do with it. Are we giving them just enough rope to hang themselves, or are they going to respond by making authentic choices that have positive results? If we respect some of their space to make their own decisions, whether it’s about their feelings or their allowance, then we have to live with those choices. And those choices could lead to a terrible mistake!! (from our perspective). What I’ve come to appreciate, by learning to calm my own anxiety, is the joy of watching them make their own decisions. I get to watch them think through a decision, like whether to continue yelling even though they know timeout is coming, or whether to spend their own money on a whimsical purchase. These are learning experiences that I simply could not teach them through my words or even my example.

Does your style of parenting work best on a six- year-old or a sixteen-year-old? Why? ScreamFree parenting is for parents of all ages with kids of all ages because it is not about kids, it’s about parents. It’s about learning to focus on how I want to respond, regardless of the age of my child. Now, obviously my response is going to change as my children grow up. I say “Let the Consequences Do the Screaming,” which emphasizes granting your child the space to make her own choices and learn from the consequences of those choices. How much space you grant her depends on her age and maturity at the time as well as the specific circumstance. When she’s six, for instance, you are not going to let her learn the consequence of playing in the street by letting her get hit by a car. But when she’s sixteen she’ll be driving in the street, with many lessons to be learned through experience. But there are plenty of opportunities for a six year old to learn through space as well. Regardless of the age of our children, the principles are the same, because it’s about us, not them.

Continue reading the rest of Hal's Q&A (Part Two)

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Do you have a Parenting question for Hal, the author and creator of ScreamFree Parenting? Contact Us Directly. We will answer a limited number of questions in upcoming newsletters.

Please note that we also cannot respond to all questions and can not always evaluate your specific challenge. If you want further feedback on your individual situation, we encourage you to explore Relationship Coaching with Hal or any of our team members. You can get a f!ree 20 minute evaluation of your situation to determine if coaching is right for you by contacting us here.

You can also share your questions or parenting issues in the ScreamFree Parenting Forum. Here you can interact with other parents on the ScreamFree Journey and share your questions and successes. Visit the ScreamFree Parenting Forum today and discuss parenting issues with parents all over the country. We post many AskHal questions in the forum, and they make for interesting and engaging forum topics.