By Hal E. Runkel, LMFT

You've probably seen “The Far Side” cartoon entitled, “Nerds in Hell.” It depicts a long line of the eternally damned waiting for, perhaps, eternity. There we find a plaid shirt-wearing, broken-glasses- donning nerd elbowing the next hellion in line, trying to make small talk: “Hot enough for ya?”

I'm originally from Houston, so I know heat. I sincerely believe that Houston, with its deadly combination of heat and humidity, is one of the hottest places on earth. That's one of the reasons I don't live there, and one of the reasons I love Atlanta. Here we have four seasons, all on the temperate side. But lately it feels just like Houston around here, and it is just miserable.

And as the so-called preacher of ScreamFree, I like to keep my cool.

It's when things get hot, whether outside in the sun or inside in our families, that we most need to keep our cool. And that's what ScreamFree is all about, becoming the cool parents your kids want, and need, most.

Whenever I tell people initially about the phrase “cool parent,” I see a lot raised eyebrows, even a few turned-up noses.

In this section of our newsletter, we have Hal answer a direct question asked by one of our ScreamFree Parents. Today's question echoes a question we receive from a number of concerned spouses.

Dear Hal,
First... I enjoyed your book and found loads of helpful insight! However, how do I incorporate ScreamFree living when my spouse is not "onboard"? Also, you remind us to talk care of ourselves first but how can we do that if our spouse does not agree. My husband believes that I must "put in my time" while my kids (6, 4 and almost 2, boys) are little and that when they are all in school I will have time for myself. Your words of wisdom are welcome! Mary in Ohio

Thanks so much for the question, Mary. Yours is a question I receive often, and I can definitely understand why.

So many of us enter into this parenting game as an outpouring of our marriage. We not only want to share our lives with this person, we want to shape the future together, a future that even lives on after us. We want to become co-participants in Creation itself, combining our blood, genes, histories, and influence to contribute not just to our lives, but to Life itself.

But as soon as that new life enters our world, everything changes. Sure, there are the changes we all laugh about: less free time, less sleep, less sex. But there are more significant changes that occur within our marriages, and thus within ourselves. Now we feel this incredible pull to focus our whole life on the child. Now we feel this weird conflict about our spouse that sometimes feels like a competition between him/her and the baby. Now we see our spouse as not just a spouse, but as a parent and a co-parent.

And it's those strange new experiences that begin to shape our marriage into new patterns. In an effort to reduce the anxiety of new changes, we try harder. We try harder to gain our spouse's support, or we try harder to be inclusive with whole-family events. Or we try harder with increased date nights, or counseling sessions, or even self-help/parenting books.

But so much of the time our struggles continue, especially as multiple kids enter the picture. We just feel so overstressed and overcommitted, and we are beginning to "lose it" with our kids, these precious continuations of life that we so eagerly anticipated, with our spouse, from the beginning. And the lack of support and understanding from our spouse seems to be the primary aggravation behind it all. All we know at that point is that something has to change, or the paddy wagon will be comin' 'round the mountain.

CONTINUE READING THIS REPLY...

Want to read all of Hal's past "Ask Hal" replies? Check out the new Ask Hal Archives page here.

Do you have a Parenting question for Hal, the author and creator of ScreamFree Parenting? Contact Us Directly. We will answer a limited number of questions in upcoming newsletters.

Please note that we also cannot respond to all questions and can not always evaluate your specific challenge. If you want further feedback on your individual situation, we encourage you to explore Relationship Coaching with Hal or any of our team members. You can get a f!ree 20 minute evaluation of your situation to determine if coaching is right for you by contacting us here.

You can also share your questions or parenting issues in the ScreamFree Parenting Forum. Here you can interact with other parents on the ScreamFree Journey and share your questions and successes. Visit the ScreamFree Parenting Forum today and discuss parenting issues with parents all over the country. We post many AskHal questions in the forum, and they make for interesting and engaging forum topics.