by Hal E. Runkel, LMFT, Founder and President, ScreamFree Living, Inc.

What if I got it wrong?
And no poem or song
Could put right what I got wrong
And make you feel I belong?
What if you should decide that you don't want me there by your side?
That you don't want me there in your life?

-Coldplay, "What If?", from their new album, X&Y

As you can probably tell by now, I am a huge Coldplay fan. I'm such a fan of this relatively young band that I just told my computer to add their name to my Word dictionary so it would stop telling me that "Coldplay" is a misspelled word.

What I appreciate about Coldplay is their ability, not unlike the Irish band U2, to encapsulate a very profound reflection about life in a few short minutes and a very catchy melody. This is a rare gift that so few have received, and even fewer have had the wherewithal to share. Whenever we can taste those reflections, even digest such melodies, we remember why we love music.

One of my favorite experiences with music goes deeper. I love when I have fallen for a song, learning and interpreting its deeper meanings, only to find that the author of the song had a different interpretation altogether. Such is the case with "What If.:" Upon first and subsequent listens, I imagined the pain so often relayed in popular music, that intense hurt that can only come from a broken couple's relationship. In this song, Chris Martin empties his pain upon us in the form of the normally fruitless "What If" questions. He sounds tortured in a genuine way, recounting his mistakes and all the possibilities involved when two people choose to connect.

He is battling with both the celebration and consternation of that choice: if two individuals can choose to connect, then they can always choose to disconnect. To put it more accurately, then one person can choose to disconnect. There's no way around it; if we want to be freely chosen by another, then we have to accept that they can always choose not to be with us.

And most of us can relate to this quandary in our marriages, even in our closest friendships. What we want most is a freely chosen connection with the one we want most to freely choose us. So we can sing along with Coldplay and relate.

But then I learned what Chris Martin has in mind when he sings this song. "What If" is not some reflection on the paradoxical pain that comes with couples, or even friendships. When he's singing "What if you should decide that you don't want me there by your side?" he's not wondering what he'd do if his wife, the actress Gwyneth Paltrow, decided to leave him. No, I recently learned he's singing the song not to his wife, but to their daughter.

The song is a solemn consideration of the fact that his infant daughter is, even now and certainly destined to be, a separate individual. Despite his deep love and devotion in raising her to adulthood, she can always choose to disconnect. She can always decide that she doesn't want him there by her side, that she doesn't want him there in her life.

And your kids can decide that about you, too.

In this section of our newsletter, we have Hal answer a direct question asked by one of our ScreamFree Parents. Today's question comes from two different parents concerned about their thumb- sucking kids.

My daughter is 7 years old. She has sucked her thumb since conception (smile). I have an ultrasound of her sucking her thumb in my womb! She does this at night time and when she feels sad, frustrated or upset. I have tried everything I know to do! Please help!

I have a 7 year old boy that also has this problem. We tried offering a reward to him if he gave it up but he choose the thumb. Any help on this subject would be greatly appreciated!

Ahh, the thumb-sucking dilemma. One thing to remember (and this will probably disappoint anyone looking for the end-all recipe) is that the more anxiety you devote to the thumb-sucking, the longer it will continue. This is because your efforts to change him will only redouble his efforts to remain in control of himself.

Now, maybe you've heard from the dentist that your child needs to stop, or maybe you've been preached at from one of your parents that it's a direct reflection on your poor parenting (I would never have let you suck your thumb this long!!!). All of this makes it that much harder to calm your anxiety about it! But calming your anxiety about the issue is the best course to take because it frees your child's thumb- sucking to be his problem, not yours. Think about this--what experiences do you think he would go through if his sucking continued? What would motivate him to stop that behavior on his own, without your intervention? Social pressure, pressure from his dentist? Removing your intervention lets him "taste" those experiences.

So listen to your gut about it. What are you most anxious about--ruining his teeth, embarrassing himself in public, embarrassing you around your friends or relatives? Try to focus more on calming those fears and less on stopping his/her behavior. One of my gurus, Edwin Friedman, reminds us that "The hardest habit to break is breaking the habits of others." Focus on stopping your habit of worrying about it, and I guarantee you'll be amazed at the results.

And remember to take care of yourself,
Hal

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