By Hal E. Runkel, LMFT

I hope you Americans out there enjoyed a safe, joyous time with your families on July 4th. It is indeed a powerful day worth celebrating, signifying America’s independence from Britain and its birth as a nation (it’s also a special day for me and my family to remember my grandfather, Harold, for whom I’m named).

In the spirit of 1776 and that remarkable Declaration, I’d like to articulate some truths I hold to be self- evident:

1. U2 has surpassed the Beatles as the greatest band in rock 'n roll history. While I am a huge Beatles fan and their influence can never be matched, no band can match U2's combination of powerful melody and poignant messages. “Bungalow Bill” simply does not stand up to “Beautiful Day.”

2. Emotional reactivity (“screaming”) always, always helps to create the very outcomes we were hoping to avoid. Zinedine Zidane’s head butt has the entire world talking about the power of losing your cool. In the second overtime of the final match of his brilliant career, Zidane snapped. He had endured enough cruel ribbing from his opponent, Marco Materazzi, and in an effort to stop the insults, and give the insulter what he deserved, he unleashed the most explosive example of pure emotional reactivity in a sporting event since Ron Artest attacked a fan in Detroit a couple of years ago. Or since Mike Tyson bit off Evander Holyfield’s ear back in the 90s. And like those two athletes, Zidane’s reactivity cost him a chance at victory. Word is that Marco Materazzi’s insults were targeted at his mother and his sister. So, according to Zidane, while his actions were “unforgivable,” he had no choice but to defend the honor of the women closest to him. He then went on to say that the real guilty party is Materazzi because he started it. Sounds like my two kids fighting upstairs.

In a far worse example of the power of “screaming,” the Middle East is exploding in a crisis of purely emotional escalation. In a rare move, the Vatican came out and publicly condemned Israel for its bombing raids that seemed, to almost everyone but Israel, far more intense than warranted. Israel is claiming that the abduction of two of its soldiers by Hezbollah was an act of war, and they reacted with a heavy offensive display. Of course, Hezbollah has reacted with major launches of their own, and now thousands of civilians on both sides are scrambling for safety, rummaging through what’s left of their homes, or mourning their loved ones. And of course, each party in the conflict is blaming the other as the one who started it and waiting for the other to make the first move toward peace. Again, sounds like my two kids. The reason the Vatican is condemning Israel is because, like we all say to the more mature sibling, they should know better. Of course Hezbollah is acting in horrible ways, but what do you expect? They’re a known terrorist organization! Whenever a supposed peace-loving nation reacts to terrorists with the same escalation, the same civilian-killing methods as the terrorists, they cannot still claim to be peace-loving. And their actions will only serve to increase the reactivity of the terrorists. Wait, am I talking about Israel, or the U.S.? (Of course, who am I to talk? I just yelled upstairs for my kids to stop yelling at each other).

3. Going back to the World Cup, here’s another self-evident truth. No world-class sporting event should ever conclude its championship, and decide its champion, on something as silly as penalty kicks. Can you imagine Game 7 of the NBA Finals, after two overtimes, ending on a free throw contest? Or the Super Bowl ending on an extra-point contest? Neither can anyone else.

4. No self-respecting male, regardless of his body shape, age, culture, upbringing, religion, or sexual orientation, should ever, under any circumstances, wear a tank top to the airport. Ever. Especially if he has even one strand of back hair.

5. There is no such thing as total independence. I’ve been reading several histories of the American Revolution, and I am increasingly impressed with the courage of those 56 men signing a document that absolutely sealed their fate. If the war effort succeeded, then those men would become the leaders of a new nation. If it failed, as the odds certainly indicated, they would be executed for treason. And I get scared about signing a mortgage.

In this section of our newsletter, we have Hal answer a direct question asked by one of our ScreamFree Parents. Today's question concerns a familiar issue with a teenager.

Dear Hal,
My youngest daughter can’t seem to get anywhere on time. I just want to schedule her day for her but then I feel exhausted looking after her every hour of the day. What should I do?

Sounds like you’ve been doing some good thinking about this, because you realize you cannot run her life without exhausting yours. So ask yourself a question—how did you learn to be punctual? Most likely it came through experience, the negative consequences of being late and the positive results of organized living. So what is getting in the way of your daughter learning those same experiential lessons?

Most likely, it’s your own anxious need to make her punctual. This has undoubtedly become a battle between the two of you, which means it’s not really about being late. This battle is about whose life belongs to whom. Your daughter is exercising a form of power over her own life (stalling) that is drastically affecting your life. Since you both have to be somewhere at a certain time, her stalling creates problems for everyone involved. This is an immature power struggle, not a personality defect.

The first step is learning to calm your anxiety about her choices (letting her learn of the negative consequences of being late, be it missed school or delayed fun times). The second is to concentrate more on your own schedule than hers. This doesn’t mean ignoring her needs, but it does mean refusing to compromise yourself in order to accommodate for her tardiness.

And remember to take care,
Hal

Want to read all of Hal's past "Ask Hal" replies? Check out the new Ask Hal Archives page here.

Do you have a Parenting question for Hal, the author and creator of ScreamFree Parenting? Contact Us Directly. We will answer a limited number of questions in upcoming newsletters.

Please note that we also cannot respond to all questions and can not always evaluate your specific challenge. If you want further feedback on your individual situation, we encourage you to explore Relationship Coaching with Hal or any of our team members. You can get a f!ree 20 minute evaluation of your situation to determine if coaching is right for you by contacting us here.

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