by Hal E. Runkel, LMFT, Founder and President, ScreamFree Living, Inc.

You’ve probably seen “The Far Side” cartoon entitled, “Nerds in Hell.” It depicts a long line of the eternally damned waiting for, perhaps, eternity. There we find a plaid shirt-wearing, broken-glasses- donning nerd elbowing the next hellion in line, trying to make small talk: “Hot enough for ya?”

Well, at the risk of revealing my true nerdness, it is really hot out there. The entire country, and even most of Europe, is enveloped in a ridiculously scorching heat wave. Unless you’re one of the fortunate to live on the California coast, then you know what I’m talking about.

I’m originally from Houston, so I know heat. I sincerely believe that Houston, with its deadly combination of heat and humidity, is one of the hottest places on earth. That’s one of the reasons I don’t live there, and one of the reasons I love Atlanta. Here we have four seasons, all on the temperate side. But lately it feels just like Houston around here, and it is just miserable.

And as the so-called preacher of ScreamFree, I like to keep my cool.

It’s when things get hot, whether outside in the sun or inside in our families, that we most need to keep our cool. And that’s what ScreamFree is all about, becoming the cool parents your kids want, and need, most.

Whenever I tell people initially about the phrase “cool parent,” I see a lot of raised eyebrows, even a few turned-up noses. This is usually because our minds initially conjure images of parents not acting their age. Here are a few examples, which are definitely NOT what we mean by "cool":

• An alarming number of parents are, in an effort to be “cool” in their kids' eyes, hosting alcohol parties. These are so-called safe alternatives to having kids out there drinking on their own. This way the parents are at least supervising the activity. As a result, 35 states have passed laws outlawing such hosted parties, and 15 states go further, indicting parents for not stopping underage drinking in their homes.
• A Colorado woman just pled guilty yesterday to hosting teenage sex parties. She stated she wanted to be a “cool mom,” while her lawyer said she had always wanted to be popular when she was a teenager, and she got caught up in being the popular mom to so many teenaged boys.

With these images in mind, it makes perfect sense for anyone to become alarmed at our encouragement to become “The “Cool” Parent Your Kids Really Need.”

Here’s what we really mean:

A “Cool” Parent is...

• the mom who calmly informs her kids that all the items on the steps are theirs, and if they want to keep such items from going to Goodwill, they will pick ‘em up on their trip upstairs; and...
  
• the mom who, without making any big announcements to the fact, makes that trip to Goodwill the next day.

In this section of our newsletter, we have Hal answer a direct question asked by one of our ScreamFree Parents. Today's question looks at that delicate balance between the two sides of parenting.

I want my child to feel she can see me as a friend but at the same time I need to wear other hats such as the disciplinarian. How can I balance the two?

Jamie Rasor has written one of my favorite parenting books, Raising Children You Can Live With. In it, he presents the two sides of parenting: the personal side (loving affection, play, sharing feelings) and the business side (scheduling, discipline, negotiating privileges). Both sides are vital to a great parenting relationship, and thus both sides must be present within each parent. The way to balance the two begins with focusing on you. What do you like about the personal side? Is there an emotional need you are seeking there? What’s the hardest part about the business side? Do you fear she won’t like you as much?

One key is realizing that your kids not only need both sides from you, they are actually seeking both from you. They don’t want you to just be affectionate, they want you to provide structure. Another key is keeping the two sides separate. A business transaction (like enforcing a disciplinary action) is not cause for you getting so upset that you can’t be around her. Let her know, through your calm, that her misbehavior demands discipline but it doesn’t mean you’re angry. When you exercise both roles separately, you’ll be amazed at the mutually respectful relationship that can grow between you.

And remember to take care,
Hal

Do you have a Parenting question for Hal, the author and creator of ScreamFree Parenting? Email Us Directly. We will answer a limited number of questions in upcoming newsletters.

Please note that we cannot answer all questions, so we encourage you to present your questions or parenting issues in the ScreamFree Parenting Forum. Here you can interact with other parents on the ScreamFree Journey and share your questions and successes. Visit the ScreamFree Parenting Forum today and discuss parenting issues with parents all over the country.